WWE RAW 03.29.04
by Scott Christ
I figure Cubs needs some idiot to do this every week, as he's way too smart to do it himself, and who's a bigger idiot than me! Wait.
I need some crap to talk about before I get going here. Hmmm.
QUICK QUOTE: WWE 13.85 (+.15, two years ago: 14.05, three years ago: 14, four years ago: 16 7/8) - this is the only stock on my AIM ticker
The Ring of Honor tickets for April 24 in Chicago came, and not only did they send us two (2) extra tickets, but guess what else - the tickets look really dumb. Nice handwritten seating assignments. Wait, ew, I hope that pedophile didn't write on them! Gross gross gross! And Heenan and Cornette pulled out of the show, replaced by Jerry Lynn. Hardly a fair deal, in my opinion. Those are the breaks, I guess.
CC - TV-14-DLV - SmackDown!/Confidential/Bottom Line/Velocity/Heat/Afterburn/Tough Enough - RAW - Bischoff
Last Monday, by God, we had ourselves a little draft lottery. Heyman picks HHH. HHH spits water. Na na na na, hey hey hey, etc. Last Thursday, Kurt Angle became the General Manager of SmackDown!. In his first act as GM, he acquired the Dudley Boyz and Booker T. We see HHH from last Monday in a reverse of the Raw -> Smackdown shirt tearing.
New video intro, let's do it: Union Underground, ladies dancing in the dark, limo hits semi, HHH spits water, Union Underground, Ric Flair studio, Union Underground, Jericho pose, Union Underground, Lita, Randy Orton, Union Underground, Stone Cold Steve Austin w/beer, Shawn Michaels, Rhyno, Benoit, Kane, HHH bleeding, Union Underground, HHH bleeding and being kicked, Batista, Union Underground, Stacy Keibler studio, Edge spears Bischoff, Victoria, Union Underground, Kane summons fire, Maven dropkick, Kane's fire worked!, RAW, Austin w/ATV, Union Underground, HHH studio, Union Underground, Benoit w/belt at WMXX, RAW, Christian and Trish kiss, Jericho is mad, Christian and Trish, Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, ladies dancing in the dark, HHH spits water, RAW, Eric Bischoff, Union Underground, Benoit diving headbutt, RAW, Edge, Union Underground, Molly Holly gets her head shaved, The Rock, Union Underground, Trish Stratus, HHH studio, Union Underground, RAW
Pyro, and lots of it! Monday Night Raw welcomes us to the U.S. Bank Arena in Cincinnati, OH! It's a "capacity crowd." TONIGHT! World Tag Team Championship - Chris Benoit & Shawn Michaels v. Ric Flair & Batista! TONIGHT! Trish Stratus is the guest on the Highlight Reel!
We're getting it going business-casual style with EVOLUTION, sans HHH. By gift of God, Randy Orton had a tonsilectomy last week and Flair gets to take the mic. "Let me make something very clear to everyone in Cincinnati tonight! Batista and I are THRILLED to have an opportunity to defend our world titles against the Heartbreak Kid and the WORLD'S heavyweight champion, Chris Benoit. We're THRILLED! We're also thrilled - keep your mouth shut, punk, I'm talkin' right now. We are also thrilled to know that Triple H is back in the Raw lockerroom! That's right - the franchise is back. And I wanna be the first to tell you that I was REALLY disappointed in the Raw lockerroom last week when he got drafted by SmackDown! But, the Game will be here tonight - that's right! He'll be here later on tonight, and he'll deal with that lockerroom the way he sees fit. Now, let me tell you something that is very, very important. I'm tired of the lack of respect for Randy Orton! (there goes his jacket) I'm tired of the lack of respect for Randy Orton! He beat - he beat your GOD, Mick Foley, the hardcore champion, once, twice, right there, WrestleMania XX, he beat Mick Foley! And WE are currently (Foley chants) demanding - more - respect. We are demanding more respect from you starting now! And, and, the CHAMP, THE CHAMP, has something to say! As bad as his throat is, he's gonna talk to you all tonight."
"Thanks, Ric. Thank you very much. Now, now Ric, Batista, everybody, you're gonna have to bear with me, my, my throat's a little screwed up, you see I had my tonsils taken out last week, it's gonna be a little hard to talk. But the fact that I'm out here, ahem, the fact that I'm out here right now just proves that I have the guts - unlike, unlike Mick Foley. It just proves, it just proves that Mick is what I've been calling him all along - he's a coward! Now -" MICK FOLEY is here. "Wait wait wait. Did I - did I just hear right, Randy, or (Foley chants) - Randy Orton, are you - you're feeling disrespected by the fans? Are you feeling a little bit, a little bit unloved maybe? Randy, I don't know what the fans are thinking, because as far as I'm concerned, you proved yourself at WrestleMania, pal! Hey - as far as I'm concerned, Randy Orton proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, at WrestleMania, that in a 3-on-2 situation, he is capable of beating a Hollywood actor, and a guy who writes children's books! (ehhh) I think I understand a little bit of what the fans are thinking, and I think that they're thinking that if Evolution were not at your side at WrestleMania, things might have turned out a little bit differently. As a matter of fact, I think what they're thinking - yes, this is what they're thinking - that had it been a one-on-one matchup at WrestleMania, that I would've kicked your little ass all over WrestleMania!" Flair has heard enough. "Foley! The next night he gave you an opportunity to wrestle him at Backlash, guess what? Ya didn't nut it up! Ya didn't show up!" "Hold on Flair!" "Ya didn't show up!" "He wants a piece of me, one-on-one at Backlash. Well to ensure that it's one-on-one at Backlash, how about having Evolution banned from ringside? Whaddaya say, Nature Boy?" "Nooo problemo." "Whaddaya say at Backlash, in addition to having Evolution banned from ringside, how about we put Randy Orton's intercontinental title up for grabs?" "Once again - we don't see a problem." "This is too good to be true, so what you're saying, at Backlash - one-on-one - finally! Mick Foley! Randy Orton! Evolution banned from ringside, intercontinental title up for grabs? No. You see, Flair, you want me so bad, then there's one other thing I need banned from that match, and that would be...the rulebook. Randy Orton, you want a piece of me so bad - then we do it on my terms! No rules! No holds barred! Anything goes! Falls count anywhere! You can call it a streetfight, you can call it hardcore, but rest assured, you accept - you get hurt! (Foley chants)" "YOU'RE - NOT - HEARIN' - US! We got no problem with Mick Foley on ANY terms!" "No, I hear it from your voice, Ric, I don't wanna hear it from the 16-time world champion! I wanna hear it from the horses's mouth! Randy, take the microphone, and you tell me, what's it gonna be? Will you become the hardcore legend at Backlash, or will you always be a sniveling, no-guts, no-dues-paying, oh-my-tonsils little wimp?! What's it gonna be, Randy! C'mon Flair! I will knock you out! I will knock you out! Yes or no, Randy, what's it gonna be?! It's very simple, yes or no, we don't have all day!" "Yes." "What'd you say?" "YES!" "He said yes! Well then you do this - you've got three weeks 'til Backlash, and then you show up about three times tougher than you ever thought about being, or rest assured, I will tear you apart! Have a nice day!"
Backstage, LA RESISTANCE and GARRISON CADE instruct TAJIRI that his initiation on Raw is to mist the next guy that comes through that door. As fate would have it, THE COACH walks in. "Tajiri! Whassup! oh! oh! ohhh! oh! ohhh! ohh! oh my! oh my eyes! oh! oh! ohhh! ohhh! ohhhh! ahhh!" Tajiri is amused, so are the other guys. Rob Conway lets him know that Coach is Bischoff's boy, and he might not should've done that.
Commercials: Star Trek Deep Space Nine Marathon, The Whole Ten Yards, Jakks Pacific Goldberg/Lesnar, 1-800-CALL-ATT, Drakengard, Sofa Mart (local), Afdent (local), SpikeTV bumper
WWE Nidia's rack presented by Hellboy (April 2)
NIDIA (homeless, with brought to you by Hellboy, Subway and X-Box) v. MOLLY HOLLY (Forest Lake, MN): Molly has a brown perm wig w/chinstrap this week. Collar-and-elbow, Nidia catches a kick, Molly takes Nidia down. Armwringer into a top wristlock. Nidia goes to her back and kips up (come on, stop it), up, kick up in the corner, to the apron, shoulderblock, Molly sends her into the post. Back in as Lawler wonders if JR's wife is wearing a chipstrap these days. Molly stays on the arm. Nidia with rights, Molly kicks her in the gut, killing her baby, of course. They continue to argue over Molly's hair. Nidia with a rollup, 2. Clothesline, clothesline, catapult. Nidia with a northern lights suplex with a bridge! 1, 2, kickout. Drop toe-hold sends Nidia's bad arm into the bottom rope. Handspring elbow is dodged, bulldog is blocked by Molly, and off comes the wig. Molly freaks out, Nidia with a schoolboy, 2, 3. (02'50")
Last Monday, Raw got Edge, and then later Edge speared Bischoff. For some reason, Edge's "You Think You Know Me" music is overdubbed in place of the Rob Zombie song. Backstage, ERIC BISCHOFF is watching television with JOHNNY SPADE. "Who in the HELL decided to play that? Who in the hell decided to put that on without getting my approval?!" "Dude, I don't know!" "'Dude, I don't know'? Not gonna cut it. You know, sometimes it seems like people around here forget who's in charge. D'you know what I mean? I mean, Edge, I know he wanted to make a big first impression here on Raw. (Johnny gets some Chapstick) Do you mind?" "Sorry, sorry, sir." "Well I got news for Edge and for everybody else! It's about time people start learning who's running the show, it's about time people learn how to respect Eric Bischoff. Now are you gonna bring him to me like I asked you to?" "Now I would, but E.B., I haven't seen Edge all day." "'E.B.'? Yeah, try Mr. Bischoff, that works just fine." "Okay, Mr. Bischoff." "Well I tell you what - Edge is gonna learn who's in charge. He's gonna learn what it's like to get manhandled. Because Edge's first match back, at Backlash? Is gonna be against the seven-foot monster - KANE!"
Lyrics: "Catch the buzz! / (jump!) / Increase / your memory / Not illusion / It's there for all to see! / And sometimes it makes me laugh / When I se your reaction / Knowing you'd feel the sting! / Don't you wish you were me? / Everything that should be / Don't you wish you could be / The king of energy! / Don't you want to (something) / Ragin' raspberry! / Catch the buzz! / Feel the sting!"
Commercials: Fozzy for YJ Stinger, Monster, Resident Evil: Outbreak, Skittles, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Stone Cold Truth on the WWE Fanatic Series
TONIGHT! Trish Stratus on the Highlight Reel! Our commentators are JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER.
THE HURRICANE v. nevermind he just got jumped by TRIPLE H. "See that? That is a message to everybody in that Raw lockerroom! Yeah. I saw y'all back there, laughing and cheering, when you thought that I was traded to SmackDown! But who's laughin' now, huh? Who's laughin' now? Me. You know why? Because I know for a fact that Eric Bischoff woulda traded anyoneaya to get me back. Hell, as a matter of fact, Eric Bischoff traded threeaya to get me back. And that's because Eric Bischoff is a smart businessman. He knows that if he wants to have the No. 1 show on TV, he's gotta have the No. 1 guy. He's gotta have the best if he wants to be the best! He's gotta have the franchise! He's gotta have the biggest star in this business today, bar none - that's why he's gotta have me. Y'see, because Eric Bischoff knows that if Triple H is on the marquee, and I'm standin' in this ring, then all these seats are gonna be filled. Bischoff is a business genius because he does what's best for Raw, unlike some other General Managers, like, let's say, Kurt Angle, who does business with his ego. Let's face it, ya think for one second Kurt Angle wanted me on SmackDown! stealin' his spotlight? He's still mad that I slapped him around a few years ago. Eric Bischoff does business the way it should be done. And that's why he's gonna come out here right now and do what's right for business: he's gonna change the world championship match between Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit to what it should've been all along. He's gonna change that match to Chris Benoit versus Triple H for the world heavyweight championship!" I'm Back! "Triple H! How the hell are you?" "How am I? Eric, I'd tell you I feel like a million bucks, but I wouldn't wanna take the pay cut. You know what I mean?" "I know what you mean, and quite frankly (1), you'd be a bargain and twice the price. And Triple H, you are absolutely right! Raw would never be the No. 1-rated show without you. Which is why I spent all those hours on the phone with the SmackDown! General Manager Kurt Angle, and why I made the trade of Booker T and the Dudleys, for you, Triple H. Hell, you, you know it! I would've traded the entire roster to get you back, buddy!" "Eric, that's great. Thank you very much. But, uh, what about my world championship match?" "Well that does pose an interesting scenario. But, y'see, I made a verbal commitment last week to Shawn Michaels for a title match against Chris Benoit, and I can't break that commitment because, of course, it would be 'against the law' (does he mean the real law or Stone Cold's Law?). But I tell you what I CAN do - I can add to it! I can order a rematch of the greatest WrestleMania main event of ALL-TIME! At Backlash, it's going to be the Final Encounter! Shawn Michaels versus Chris Benoit versus YOU, Triple H, for the WORLD - HEAVYWEIGHT - CHAMPIONSHIP!" I'm Back!
Commercials: MXC Marathon, Snickers, Nike, 1-800-CALL-ATT (2), Burger King, Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2)
Behind the scenes at Walking Tall with This Iconic Stick.
Backstage, Evolution is all together now. They discuss their future, and SHELTON BENJAMIN happens by. Batista gets in Benjamin's face for laughing at HHH last week, and HHH jumps Shelton and lays him out. Never disrespect the Game. Well that was annoying (until later!)
LANCE STORM is in the ring. "Stop that music! Stop the music right now! I can't take this anymore! I've tried! I've really tried! I tried to please you people! With that awful music! And with that silly dance! And where has it gotten me? (good point) I've become a joke! I am mocked by my peers, and I am mocked by each and every one of you. Everywhere I go, all I hear is, 'dance, Lance, dance!' (I bet) Fourteen years of hard work, and I've been reduced to a joke, and a dance! And last week - last week was my one chance to put it all behind me. Only if, only if I could've been traded to SmackDown!, I could've had a new beginning, with new fans" and he's cut off.
LANCE STORM (unannounced) v. RHYNO (unannounced as well): Storm jumps on Rhyno with a dropkick and some elbows. Kicks, forearm, off the ropes, nope, reversed, spinebuster. Uh. Already, huh? GORE! 1, 2, 3. (00'35") JR is impressed by Rhyno. King, too. "Wow!"
Backstage, Tajiri rehearses his apology in the halls. "I am sorry! I am sorry, Mr. Eric! I'm so sorry." There's the door. "General Manager. I am sorry, Mr. Eric Bischoff! I apologize." Tajiri knocks and enters, the Coach is in there with Eric. Coach explains what happened, Tajiri can't help but find it funny. Coach says he heard Tajiri say he doesn't respect Bischoff. Tajiri mixes up his Rs and Ls. Coach wonders what would've happened had it been Bischoff that walked through that door. So Bischoff schedules a no-DQ match for Tajiri against Kane later tonight. Tajiri is AFRAID! God I love Tajiri. Coach laughs. I kinda love Coach too. King makes a point to remember that Tajiri mixed up his Rs and Ls.
NEXT! World Tag Team Championship - Chris Benoit & Shawn Michaels v. Ric Flair & Batista!
Commercials: The Punisher, Subway, Drakengard (2), Reebok w/pug dog stealing shoe, Spring Breakout! at my local Ford dealers, drugfreeamerica.org (local)
Last Tuesday at the Ritz Carlton in Washington, D.C., the USO of Metropolitan Washington presented the WWE with the Legacy of Hope Award. Linda McMahon, Mick Foley and Triple H were in attendance.
WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - CHRIS BENOIT (World Heavyweight Champion, 229, now residing in Atlanta, GA, with WWE Raw Magazine) & SHAWN MICHAELS (225, San Antonio, TX, challengers) v. BATISTA & RIC FLAIR (champions, combined 562): Next Monday, Raw is live in Houston at the Toyota Center. LILIAN GARCIA has just been informed that there is a special guest referee - Johnny Spade! He whispers to Lilian, and he now wants to be known as Johnny Nitro. What a guy. Brawl to start, Benoit and Flair trade chops, Michaels knocks Batista to the floor. Flair and Benoit start and trade more chops. Kneebreaker -> figure-four leglock attempt, Benoit counters and goes for the crossface, Batista saves and pulls Flair out. Michaels flies out with a plancha onto the champions and nearly kills both of them. Chop on Batista. Listen, Shawn, you're out there with Benoit and Flair, stop with your sissy chops. Batista in with Benoit and Benoit goes to the leg with a couple of Mike Enoses. Mike Enii? Tag to Michaels who comes in and Warrior splashes Batista's leg. What an odd idea. Batista kicks Shawn away, up, Michaels takes him back down and continues to work the leg. Lariat from Batista, hobble, tag got Flair. Off the ropes, shoulderblock, off the ropes, drop toe-hold by Michaels, figure-four from Shawn! Flair's shoulders go down and Johnny Nitro doesn't count, even though Michaels tells him to. Flair breaks on the ropes. Flair on the apron, suplexed back in. Tag to Benoit. Kick, chop, chop, Flair gets the dukes up, Benoit shakes his head, Flair flops. Legdrop to the back of the head, jeez, Benoit, watch the old man's neck. Flair comes back with a back elbow to the jaw. Chop! Hobble, tag to Batista. Rights, Benoit comes back with kicks, off the ropes, Benoit body attack. "His middle name is Monday." Tag to Michaels, boots up in the corner, chop, chop, up in the corner, 1, 2, 3, shot to Flair, 4, 5, and down. Snapmare, tag to Benoit. Baseball slide to the arm from Benoit, they're trying to take Batista apart, by God. Tag to Michaels. Off the ropes, spinebuster by Batista. Later tonight, Jericho and Trish on the Highlight Reel, we are LIVE in Cincinnati, OH at the U.S. Bank Arena, if you forgot. Welcome to the Raw Zone! Flair in and Michaels is being worked over. Butterfly suplex from Flair, cover, 2. Flair looks like he's in real bad shape. Chop! Strut, tag to Batista. Batista with a right, scoop, powerslam, cover, 2. Tag to Flair. Michaels looks like he's in real bad shape, too, for that matter. Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! Chop! Dukes up, right from Shawn, right, chop fires back, off the ropes, collision, Flair pops back up and heads to the apron. Up top - guess what? Flair back up, and misses an elbowdrop. Tag to Benoit, awkward moment, chops back-and-forth again, off the ropes goes Flair, Benoit body attack, Benoit nails Batista. German suplex x3! Sharpshooter on Flair! Batista in quickly and he lariats Benoit down. Michaels back in and he takes Batista out. Michaels intimidates Johnny Nitro as we head to the break (09'53")
Commercials: Star Trek Deep Space Nine Marathon (2), Walking Tall, Gatorade, 1-800-CALL-ATT (3), Jakks Pacific Goldberg/Lesnar (2), Reebok w/pug dog stealing shoe (2), Ninja Gaiden, SpikeTV bumper
We're back and Benoit has been isolated, receiving a "restaurant-quality beatdown." Flair is in control, catching the boot, WHOO!, enzuigiri from Benoit. Double tags, Michaels with the flying burrito on Batista, kip-up, Flair in and down. Release German suplex on Batista from Benoit! Batista knocked to the floor, Michaels has Flair, scoop aaand a slam! Benoit up top - diving headbutt hits! Flair up - SWEET CHIN MUSIC! 1, 2, 3! (01'45" - 11'38" total) Hey, Flair wasn't legal, but you still gotta love Benoit and Michaels celebrating their big win, even if I hate this pairing. Hug! Batista alerts Johnny Nitro to the mistake, so Johnny restarts the match. Flair rolls Michaels up, Nitro counts way fast for two. Michaels nails Nitro and it's all broken down now. Flair to the floor, Batista to the floor, Nitro calls for the bell because that's a disqualification, and Flair and Batista are still the champs. JR is all hot about it, but, like, why? (add 00'31" - 12'09" total) Michaels grabs Johnny Nitro and throws him back in - crippler crossface! Michaels mocks Nitro's pain as he taps out emphatically. Play Benoit's music! They shake and raise hands anyway, what the hell. Benoit should be disgusted with Shawn Michaels and break his back.
Backstage, Bischoff watches television until Shelton Benjamin enters the room. "I see how things work around here!" "What - what do you mean?" "I'm in the hall, excited about my first day on Raw, and Batista gets in my face, accusin' me of laughin' at Triple H when he got drafted to SmackDown! Well I wasn't laughin' then, but I was laughin' at WrestleMania, when Chris Benoit made Triple H tap. And before I can even address it, Triple H cheapshots ME, tells ME I should never disrespect the Game? Well you're the boss. I think you oughta do somethin' about it." "Do something, do something about what? Triple H was just tryin' to help you out." "Help me out?" "He was just givin' you the lay of the land, you see. You don't disrespect the Game." "What?" "And for that matter, you don't disrespect Eric Bischoff. Now if you can keep those two life lessons in your head, you will have a bright future here on Raw. So put 'er there! Just tryin' to help you out!" AHEM-HEM it's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. "Don't listen to this sumbitch. You know, Shelton, your first night on Raw, you got a chance to make a name for yourself, basically, you got a chance to start all over. Make a name for yourself as a singles competitor! You shake this man's hand, you're sayin' to the world that, I'm a sellout, I'm a coward, I'm yella, I'm nothin'! Don't shake this man's hand. (WHAT) Hell if I was you, I'd be a man, and I'd go out there, and I'd challenge Triple H to a match. (WHAT) That's how you get things done around here! (WHAT) Do somethin'." Shelton agrees and demands a match TONIGHT against Triple H. Bischoff makes the match, and IT IS ON tonight. Bischoff leaves. "Shelton, I hope you know what you're gettin' yourself into. And good luck, kid." Austin leaves.
Feel the Attitude! Feel the Intensity! Nothing beats World Wrestling Entertainment live! Friday in Hidalgo! Saturday in Monterrey, Mexico! Sunday in Laredo! Next Monday night, Houston hosts Raw! One week from Saturday, the WWE heads to Saginaw (I've been there!!! Woo!!!)
Commercials: Star Trek Deep Space Nine Marathon (3), Texas Chainsaw Massacre (3), Resident Evil: Outbreak (2), Skittles (2), Vehix.com (local), Comcast digital cable v. the piece of shit dish, fuck the dish! Yeah! It's just a dish! It's not the Mir space station! FIVE DAYS?! To hell with the dish! (local)
Drakengard presents the WWE whatever of the week, which is Trish turning on Jericho at WrestleMania XX.
We are LIVE with the Highlight Reel, and CHRIS JERICHO is in the ring. "You know, I have to be honest with you, I have to congratulate Christian and Trish Stratus. I mean, what can I say, they really got me. At WrestleMania, they humiliated me in front of the world at the biggest event in the history of this company, I mean they got me. But I also wanna let 'em know that I haven't forgotten, I'm gonna have my revenge, I'm 'onna gitchutwo. You see, tonight Bischoff told me that if I put my hands on Trish, that I'd be fined and suspended, and I don't want that. I want an explanation. So tonight, my guest, OWES me an explanation - please welcome to the Highlight Reel, TRISH STRATUS." JR calls her a jezebel with two tongues and ex-wife material. "So you can't touch me, you can't touch me - I know you want to - but you can't touch me. Not like I touched you at WrestleMania, when I slapped you right in your mouth. (boo) So you want an explanation. It's pretty simple, Jericho, y'see, y'just weren't there for me. I mean, here I am last month, in a match against Christian, and where were you? What, what, ya had a bum knee? Ya had a bum knee? Oh, poor thing, poor thing. You know what, a real man would've hopped one-legged in the ring to make sure I was untouched. A real man would've sacrificed his body - for this body. I'm Trish Stratus, I'm Trish Stratus, I'm not like these people here, I'm Trish Stratus, and you weren't there for me. But ya know who was there for me? Christian. Christian was there for me. Y'know, at first when he knocked on my hotel room, I thought I didn't wanna talk to him, but you know what, everything he said just made sense. You were trying to do with me what you did to him - you were trying to use me. Y'never cared about, y'never appreciated me, y'never appreciated...this. Honey, I'm a three-time babe of the year, you're not even in my league. So you want - that night, Christian and I came up with a little plan. And that was to humiliate you at WrestleMania. And I have to say (slut!) - you know what, call me what you like, but I think our plan worked out pretty good, I'm gonna pat myself on the back for that one. Because, uh, we humiliated you on the grandest stage of all. And ya know what? That night, we plotted and planned all night long, and Chris, that's not the only thing we did all night long. How's that for an explanation." This is really bad. "I, I guess I understand where you're comin' from, Trish, I mean - that's, that's an explanation. I mean, look at you, I mean, you're Trish Stratus, a former women's champion, and a three-time WWE babe of the year. And also from listening to your speech, I'd have to say you're the biggest...SLUT! OF THE CENTURY! Oh yeah, oh yeah! I mean, I'd like to thank you for comin' out here and puttin' me in my place! I mean, it makes perfect sense to me! I mean, y-you make me feel better, all I did was put my foot in my mouth, and that's nothing compared to what you've been putting in YOUR mouth! I mean, you're sayin' that I BLEW IT, I'd have to say you've been doin' all the blowin' around here, sista!" This got worse. "Man, and they say that Kurt Angle sucks! You're easier than Paris Hilton on Viagra! (Would that give her a huge dick?) I mean, three-time babe of the year, wasn't Babe a talking pig? Oh, I get it! I get it! But in all seriousness, Trish, I'd like to thank you for coming out here and opening up. Because it seems to me that's what you do best, right? I'm not in your league? I'm Chris Jericho! I'm a sexy beast, baby! (ugh ugh ugh) But all props to you and Christian, the CLB and the FDDBBTH. (ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh) You don't understand that? Let me spell it out for ya - the creepy little bastard and the filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, bottom-feeding trashbag ho! Do the Jerichoholics like that one? (yeah!) Let's say it together! She's a filthy! (filthy!) dirty! (dirty!) disgusting (disgusting!)" etc etc she leaves and he repeats this several times. What a filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, bottom-feeding trashbag ho of a segment.
Backstage, Tajiri prepares to face his death.
Yeah baby, that was an entire segment.
Commercials: Gatorade (2), Burger King (2), Drakengard (3), The Punisher (2), Reebok w/pug dog stealing shoe (3), Manhunt
Here is the beautiful U.S. Bank Arena in beautiful Cincinnati, OH
Backstage, Christian calms Trish down, and says he got a match against Jericho at Backlash.
NO-DISQUALIFICATION MATCH - TAJIRI (206, Japan, with Earlier Tonight) v. KANE (320, homeless): Kane finds this funny. Tajiri is READY TO GO! Kane grabs him and tosses him to the corner, but Tajiri fires back with "scintillating" kicks and jabs. Short-arm clothesline from Kane. Off the ropes, duck, handspring elbow has no effect on the mighty Kane. Chokeslam - no. Kick to the head, no effect again. F you, Kane! Tajiri goes down on a big boot. Up top goes Kane, Tajiri ducks a flying clothesline, kick to the gut, tarantula attempt and Kane tosses him to the floor. Kane follows Tajiri out, into the wall. Kane goes for a a lawndart into the post, but Tajiri slips down and Kane lightly touches the ringpost. GREEN MIST! Bell rings, we've got...a countout! Hahaha! Tajiri wins! (01'44") Kane gets his PRECIOUS HEAT back by destroying Tajiri with a chokeslam, and goes for a second, but EDGE is in and spears Kane! Rob Zombie music, well what the hell?
Yeah baby, that was an entire segment.
Commercials: Star Trek Deep Space Nine Marathon (4), Taco Bell, Enzyte, Monster (2), Hellboy, Taco Bell (2), MXC Marathon (2)
Backstage, Shelton Benjamin gears up. Chris Benoit enters the room. "Listen, Chris -" "Shelton, SmackDown! is the past. This is Raw. You know I gotta tell ya, I'm damn proud of ya for standing up for yourself against Triple H tonight. Everyone calls him the Cerebral Assassin. Yeah, yeah, he's great at playing headgames. But it's also his greatest weakness - his ego. I want you to go out there and show him what you're about, WHO you're about. He told me I'd never be able to do it. And I made Triple H tap out. Now it's your time. You go out there. You show Triple H where you come from, what you represent. Go out there and do it! Show that YOU are the man, and he isn't the man. Alright?" "You got it." "Take it to 'im! TAKE IT TO 'IM!" "You got it!" Shelton exits and finds the Hurricane icing up his HHH-broken body. "Do us all a favor tonight. Take Triple H down!" Here's Mick Foley. "Hey! On Raw, you don't get a second chance to make a first impression. Now I've seen you on SmackDown! prove yourself, week in and week out. Tonight's main event, you get a chance to do it HERE. It's your time, man!" "You're damn right! YEAH!"
JR and the King discuss our main event. What an opportunity for Shelton Benjamin. King thinks Shelton is going to get massacred. Here is the SmackDown! Rebound, featuring the former Raw superstars that went there. Nice tiny underwear, Rene.
Backstage, Ric Flair gets Triple H hyped up for the match. They're headed out. This match is NEXT!
Commercials: Walking Tall (2), Nike (2), Drakengard (4), Bedroom Expressions (local), Afdent (local), Walking Tall (3)
Walking Tall opens THIS FRIDAY, EVERYBODY!
TRIPLE H (265, Greenwich, CT, with Raw presents WWE Backlash presented by Drakengard on April 18) v. SHELTON BENJAMIN (245, Minnesota): Shelton's music isn't so great, but it's probably just a placeholder. JR says Shelton is from Orangeburg, South Carolina, which conflicts with Lilian's announcement. Collar-and-elbow, struggle, HHH backs it to the corner, breaks, and pats Shelton on the face. Circle, collar-and-elbow, Shelton with a waistlock takedown and he dominates on the mat. Clean break, HHH isn't happy with this. Shelton is. Collar-and-elbow, another waistlock takedown, ropes again. Benjamin pats HHH on the face and gives us a smile. Crowd's into this. Chants for Shelton. HHH is selling great with his facial expressions. Side headlock from HHH, you tapped out chant is up. Off the ropes, HHH with a shoulderblock and a stare for the vocal Cincinnati attendants. Shelton kips up. Collar-and-elbow, knee to the gut by HHH. Whip reversed, Benjamin lowers his head, pedigree, Shelton slips out. HHH lets him know he was thatclose. Collar-and-elbow, side headlock from Benjamin. Off the ropes, Benjamin with a shoulderblock, off the ropes, backslide from Shelton, 2! Shelton lets HHH know he was thatclose. This is fucking great and the crowd is hot. HHH tries to catch Shelton off-guard but gets a firemarn's carry for it. Shelton with an armbar. Up, off the ropes, slide under a boot by Shelton, armdrag takedown into another armbar. Up and into the corner. Mike Chioda wants a break, he doesn't get it. HHH with a shoulderblock and a right, you tapped out chants again. Corner whip, Shelton gets a boot up, HHH catches his foot. Spin, Benjamin's foot never touches the ground and he hits him with the dragon whip! Cover, 2! What an amazing move. Armdrag -> armbar again, and Flair is out. Benjamin dumped to the floor, Flair approaches, but HERE COMES CHRIS BENOIT! We have to take a break! (06'12")
Commercials: Star Trek Deep Space Nine Marathon (4), John Cena for YJ Stinger (terrible), 1-800-CALL-ATT (4), Snickers (2), The Whole Ten Yards (2), Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six 3, Stripperella, SpikeTV bumper
HHH is controlling with a top wristlock, shots of Benoit and Flair at ringside. Benjamin bridges up and takes HHH down, into an armbar. Up, off the ropes, duck a clothesline, HHH with the high knee. Shelton with an inside cradle, 2! Charge into the corner, Benjamin hits the post. HHH throws him into the opposite post. Neckbreaker, cover, 2. Mounted rights, HHH jawjacks with Benoit, who shouts encouragement to Shelton. More rights from HHH, Benjamin fires back. Vertical suplex from HHH, kneedrop connects. Flair laughs at the front row, cover, 2. Benoit gets the crowd clapping and HHH toys with Benjamin. Hard right hand. More toying and Shelton brings himself right into position for the pedigree, but HHH throws another right. Benjamin blocks a right and lands his own. Repeat. Right from Shelton, right from Shelton, right from Shelton, off the ropes, reversed, HHH hooks a sleeperhold. Arm doesn't even drop once, charge to the corner, HHH hits the top turnbuckle. HHH stumbles into the corner, Shelton charges, boot up. Off the ropes, Benjamin hits a back elbow. Both men are down. Benjamin with rights, off the ropes, back body drop! Kicks and rights in the corner, whip reversed, Benjamin with a sorta-reverse-DDT, cover, 2! HHH goes low, Shelton slides down on a scoop, sleeper is locked in, HHH suplexes out. HHH to the second rope, off, Benjamin lifts his leg (and pees - no) and kicks him in the face. Both men down, up at four. Benjamin off the ropes and a clothesline sends HHH to the floor. Benjamin on the apron - clothesline! Flair approaches but Shelton sees him. HHH with a thumb to the eye, into the steps but blocked, HHH into the steps. Back in, Shelton's up top - flying clothesline! Cover, 2, kickout! HHH out of the corner and caught with a powerslam, 2! Off the ropes, Shelton ducks again, pedigree, blocked, rollup, 2! Holy shit this is hot. Flair gets a right hand in on Shelton, and Benoit heads after him. HHH's back is turned - STINGER SPLASH! ROLLUP - 1, 2, 3! OH MY GOD! (10'29" - 16'41" total) GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! SHELTON BENJAMIN HAS JUST PINNED THE GAME! HHH is shocked! WELCOME TO RAW, SHELTON BENJAMIN! Goodnight!