WWE RAW - 03.22.04
by Scott Christ

I decided I would do this show just because it's kind of "important."

--WWE Raw/Smackdown/Tough Enough/Heat/Velocity/etc.

--Live on March 22, 2004 from the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit.

--Backstage, the Raw roster sits together in a lockerroom, wearing Raw shirts.

--Backstage, the Smackdown roster sits together in a lockerroom, wearing Smackdown shirts. Ultimo and Rey both wear caps on top of their masks.

--Backstage, ERIC BISCHOFF and PAUL HEYMAN (w/neckbrace) stare at one another. VINCE MCMAHON is here. "Good evening, gentlemen. Last week I said, we're gonna come to Raw tonight and shake things up - and by God, that's what we're gonna do! Because tonight, tonight will be the first-ever draft lottery in WWE history. And this is the way it's gonna go down. There's gonna be a bin of Smackdown superstars, everyone on the Smackdown roster, in your bin, Mr. Bischoff, you get to choose from the Smackdown roster. You, Mr. Heyman, will choose from the entire Raw roster in your bin. There'll be a total of 12 picks altogether. At the end of the night, if you're not satisfied with your picks, no problem, you can trade anyone you wish. Anyone on the roster - as long as you do so by 12 midnight tonight, that's the deadline. At the end of the night, we're gonna have a new Smackdown and a brand-new Raw. Any questions?" "No." "Well, Mr. McMahon, I have one for you. Clearly you've given some consideration to my champions here on Raw, I mean, Benoit, Randy Orton, RVD, Booker T - clearly, they're exempt." "Maybe I didn't make myself clear - NO ONE is exempt. NO ONE on either roster is exempt from this draft lottery. I don't even care if the person is not here, such as Orton, who underwent a tonsillectomy, he's not here! That's too bad - he's still part of the draft. It doesn't matter, alright?" "Okay." "Everyone is eligible." Both say thanks and offer their hands. Vince shakes neither. Heyman and Bischoff stare again.

--Raw intro ... for the last time EVER.

--Fireworks display! Signs! Move to the music! It's a historic night here on Monday Night Raw and we are welcomed by JIM ROSS alongside JERRY THE KING LAWLER. And to make it fun, MICHAEL COLE and TAZZ are at ringside. Tazz is "amped up, fiahd up."

--Please welcome the General Manager of Raw, Eric Bischoff. And Smackdown's General Manager, Paul Heyman, who has the first pick. "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman. (booooo) Thank you for your irrelevant opinion. And I am the General Manager of the premier brand in World Wrestling Entertainment, Paul Heyman's Smackdown. (sign: I BE HATEN HEYMAN) Now before I begin this evening, a personal note if you don't mind. (you suck chant) You really attract a classy audience, Eric. Ladies and gentlemen, this past Sunday night on S-, this past Thursday night on Smackdown, I was physically assaulted by the Undertaker! (yay!) Now, instead of moaning and crying and complaining to the board of directors like HE would do, this Thursday night on Smackdown, I promise EVERYONE I will deal with the Undertaker in my own - personal - way. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the good news. It is time for Paul Heyman's Smackdown to procure its very first superstar away from Monday Night Raw! (asshole chant)" Heyman laughs. "Mr. Bischoff, I'm so terribly sorry, but Paul Heyman's Smackdown has to make the announcement that one of the premier groups on Raw has been broken up." This is obviously Rene Dupree. JR is fooled. "Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Heyman's Smackdown hereby welcomes ... RENE DUPREE!" Backstage, the other members of La Resistance seem uneasy about this. Dupree heads to the stage. Michael Cole thinks it's a great start for Smackdown, Tazz agrees. Stats on Dupree like the first draft. Tazz thinks Dupree has great potential. Dupree and Heyman take a photo together, Dupree heads to the ring.

"(something in French)! (something else in French)! I said shut up! Thank you. It seems that I have been drafted to the Smackdown roster. But I will die in hell before I have my last memory in a Raw ring being Stone Cold Steve Austin giving me a stunner! So Paul Heyman, Eric Bischoff, I demand one final match here in Detroit, Michigan!" Heyman and Bischoff confer and tell him to go ahead. "Alright, I'm challenging any one of the Raw jabronies in the lockerroom to face the French Phenom, Rene Dupree!" Don't ever steal the Rock's catchphrases again, jabroni. Yay!

--RENE DUPREE (unannounced) v. CHRIS JERICHO (230, Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada): Circle, collar-and-elbow, break. Back to it, Dupree brings it to the corner and slaps Jericho. Jericho fires back, takedown, rights. Off the ropes, back elbow from Jericho. Dupree begs off, Jericho kicks him. Chop, chop, off the ropes, sunset flip from Dupree, Jericho rolls through, Walls of Jericho attempted and rolled out of. Dupree on the apron, Jericho hits the springboard dropkick. Back in, Dupree begs off some more. Jericho comes out of the corner again and into a dropkick. Cover, 2. "How's about de dance, huh?!" Dupree dances! Cover, 2. Dupree dances again! Jericho schoolboys him, 2. Dupree with rights, off the ropes, Jericho hits a forearm shot. Chop, chop, chop, into the corner. Corner whip reversed, Dupree hits a clothesline - cover, 2. Jericho off the ropes and holds on, drop toe-hold puts Dupree over the second rope. Up, right hand and down. Jericho with the running rope-assisted Mike Enos. Ghetto blaster! 1, 2, 3. (03'06") See you later, Rene. He is angered. "Rene Dupree is not gonna be cheated like this! I demand respect! I am the French Phenom!" CRASH! STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN takes two trips around the ring on his ATV, heads in, and extends his hand. Rene, you're an idiot. STUNNER! Beers.

--Commercials: The Untouchables Uncut, Lance Armstrong for Nike, Twix, Drakengard, Burger King, Afdent (local), Value City Furniture (local).

--RICO and MISS JACKIE are in the ring. Let's ignore that, Eric Bischoff is about to make his first pick for Raw. "And Paul, Paul I was just curious, you know - if you're so convinced that Smackdown is the superior brand, have you asked yourself lately why Mr. McMahon chose Raw here tonight to hold this lottery?" Bischoff smiles. "Well Paul, I've got great news for you. You're no longer going to have to deal with the issue of whether or not to call them the World's Greatest Tag Team, or the Self-Proclaimed Greatest Tag Team, because Eric Bischoff and Raw have the only definition for them now - that is 'ancient history.' Raw is pleased to announce the acquisition of a fine, young, charismatic athlete who happens to be an All-American from the state of Minnesota - welcome, SHELTON BENJAMIN!" Backstage, Shelton and Charlie shake hands, Shelton de-shirts. Paul London seems happy. Credentials for Shelton. JR puts him over strong. Before Shelton can come out, we're interrupted by fire.

--RICO (unannounced, with MISS JACKIE) v. KANE (320, homeless): This was scheduled. Rico hits some kicks and rights early. Hasn't Rico recently tried this same thing? Well, he gets the same result. Chokeslam - 1, 2, 3. (00'27") Kane heads back up the ramp and gathers Paul and Eric close to him. Both of them hold their mics for him to use. He chooses Eric's. "You two listen close, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. It doesn't matter where I end up. But I had better not be on the same show as the Undertaker! Do you understand?!" Kane conjures more fire.

--Heyman takes the floor. "Why don't you have just a little control over your superstars? I don't wanna be on the same side as the Undertaker either! Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Paul Heyman's Smackdown to take its second superstar away from Raw!" Again, Paul is suitably thrilled. "Oops. Sorry, Eric. But it appears that Paul Heyman's Smackdown has broken up another supergroup on Raw." Split-screen on Evolution. "Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen, JR will no longer be able to call this gentlemen--" Heyman stops for the boos. Bischoff is impatient. "Please don't interrupt me again. JR will no longer be able to point at this superstar and say, 'Now there goes a blue-chipper!' Because, ladies and gentlemen, Paul Heyman's Smackdown hereby welcomes - MARK JINDRAK." This gets zero reaction. Jindrak and Cade wish each other well, Test waves goodbye. King seems relieved and who can blame him? Why try to pretend Mark Jindrak doesn't suck? Cole and Tazz seem to disagree with me, but not too much.

--TONIGHT - the world tag team championship - RVD & Booker T v. Ric Flair & Batista!

--Commercials: Walking Tall, YJ Stinger with Fozzy (this commercial has to be seen to be believed), Resident Evil: Outbreak, Walking Tall (2), Drakengard (2)

--Raw lockerroom, Benoit, Jericho and Michaels stand together in the back.

--To the stage again, Bischoff makes his second selection. He's happy. "Well Paul, if it wasn't so obvious already that Raw is the home of - good-looking people - this next pick is gonna really bring it home for ya. Ladies and gentlemen, Raw's next pick is NIDIA!" Yay! Look at those bodacious jugs. King already starts in on the puppies but it's hard to blame him with those knockers. JR points out that she will get a chance to chase the women's championship. Nidia comes out. "Welcome to the real home of the divas, and the woman's championship, and I'd like to present this to you - wear it with pride!" "Thank you. I don't even know where to begin, I'm so excited, now I can finally - I can finally go for that woman's title. Can I put this on now?" "Sure, feel free to slip it on right over--" She de-shirts, good god almighty. "Whoa-ho! Make yourself at HOME, young lady!" I hear that.

Heyman takes over. "Congratulations, Nidia. Hope you go blind again." Bahahaha. "Ladies and gentlemen, it is once again time for Paul Heyman's Smackdown to take a piece of Raw history away from Eric Bischoff." But it's not to be right now - JOHN CENA (repping in a Barry Sanders jersey) hits the stage. "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!" "The franchise is crashin' this party. Paul, don't get at home. He's wearin' a neck brace 'cause he's blown the whole lottery. I've heard that about you, he ain't the one-way type. Beli'e da hype. John Cena more Raw than Monday night. I'm the lottery pick they both wanna get they hands on! This ain't no junior high dance - so fellas, keep your pants on. Oh, and if you draft me, save your t-shirts, I ain't kissin' your butts. We in the D, baby! (he said the D!!!!!!) So you can choke on DEEZ NUTS!" Cena approaches Heyman ("I'm injured! I'm injured! I'm an injured man!" "Do it! Do it! Give it to him!" - Bischoff's blood lust is disturbing). "You the general manager, but I'm makin' the next pick. I'm givin' you one ball, but you still got NO" DICK!

Heyman doesn't want it to count since he didn't pick it. But Bischoff demands he keep that ball. "You're lucky I'm an injured man. If I wasn't an injured man, what I would do to you is, somethin' that you ain't..." Heyman opens it up. "You, uh - you sure you want me to read this out loud?" "Yes, I want you to read it out loud. Would you please?!" "Well, Mr. Bischoff, since YOU insisted that I take this pick...ahem-hem. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Heyman's Smackdown is very pleased to welcome...TRIPLE H!" Cole and Tazz are excited. HHH comically spits water, the corny fuck. Kane seems amused. It should be noted that Shelton Benjamin took what was Rene Dupree's chair in between Conway and Grenier.

--Commercials: Ninja Gaiden, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre DVD, Milky Way, Burger King (2), Jakks Goldberg/Lesnar, Hellboy, Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell, Never Die Alone

--Moments Ago, Paul Heyman's Smackdown acquired Triple H.

--During Break, the Raw roster na na na na hey hey hey'd Triple H.

--Stats on HHH. Cole and Tazz remain psyched.

--CHRISTIAN (225, Toronto, Ontario, Canada, with TRISH STRATUS) v. SPIKE DUDLEY (150, homeless - duh): Spike with a one-man battering ram for two right off the bat. Remember, last week, Christian and Trish jumped Spike. Spike pounds on Christian in the corner and takes his shirt off, which is not nearly as impressive as Nidia. Lawler accuses Spike of being a groper. Suplex over the top rope by Christian, stomps in the corner. Boot choke across the bottom rope. Trish chokes Spike as Christian distracts the referee. Christian smacks his chest and I love Christian. Spike with elbows to the gut, off the ropes, caught, Christian sucks chant, scoop aaand a slam, Spike counters with a DDT, cover, 2. Trish's bra is peeking and Lawler has a boner. Spike gets a rollup for two. Spike moves and Christian tumbles to the floor. Dudley up top - flying crossbody HITS! Spike Dudley gets offense in! Back in, Spike up top again, and Christian crotches him. Christian points to Trish and winks, tries a superplex, but Spike is TOO STRONG. Spike punches Christian off - FLYING DEMON STOMP! Cover, 2! Dudley dog isn't going, Spike hits the ringpost. Unprettier! Cover, 2, 3. (03'17") Lawler demands Christian and Trish "swap some spit" - dude, Lawler, you're just getting gross and weird.

--Bischoff goes to make another pick, but ah hell, this isn't fair, he's gotta find Mr. McMahon!

--Commercials: The Untouchables Uncut (2), Snickers, Drakengard (3), Hellboy (2), Spring Breakout! at my local Ford dealers, Nancy's Furniture (local)

--Backstage, Eric begs Vince. "Please, we've gotta talk about this, I mean a couple things - first of all, that pick was not a legal pick, I mean, Paul Heyman didn't make the pick, John Cena made the pick. And besides all that - we cannot lose Triple H here on Raw, we just can't!" "Eric, I understand what you're saying, I understand how you feel, but look, once a pick has been chosen and announced, it's official. There's not really anything I can do about it. I understand how heartbroken you are, but--" Paul interrupts. "Excuse me! I got a hot one. I know you're not used to doing RADICAL and progressive ideas here on Monday nights, but on Thursdays, we do it all the time on Smackdown!" "What's the idea?" "Tonight - right here on Monday Night Raw - live in that very ring - the WWE title gets defended by Eddie Guerrero. Good idea, right? Now listen to this, it's even better - Eddie Guerrero tonight defends the WWE title against Smackdown's newest acquisition, Triple H!" "No, wait a minute, you can't do that, this is my show! A Smackdown championship, Iweiopuoweij--" "Are you out of your mind?" "Out of my mind? You know what I'm doing, Vince? I'm doing exactly what Vincent Kennedy McMahon would do. Eddie Guerrero might not even BE on Smackdown this Thursday, he could still get drafted to Raw. I'm doing what you would do, Vince, I'm looking after the best interests of my brand." "But I must look after the best interests of both brands. So therefore, I say, this proposed match - Eddie Guerrero versus Triple H - I say, it will in fact happen here tonight! I'm looking forward to this match!" "Me too!" "And by the way, everyone is now waiting for your next picks, please." "Excuse me! Hahaha!"

--To the stage again. "Well I've got news for everybody - I am NOT about to be upstaged by PAUL HEYMAN! Paul Heyman is not the one who is known for aggressive, forward thinking - I AM! Vince McMahon wants to shake things up? Well I'm gonna shake things up with this next pick! I'll tell you what I'm gonna do - I'm gonna pick a name outta there and I don't give a DAMN if it's Big Show or if it's Michael Cole. Whoever I pick is gonna face the world champion - CHRIS BEN WAH - right here! Tonight! So check this out! Well this oughta be very interesting. Paul, my next pick is a man who I'm - had a tremendous amount of admiration for for a long, long time. A man who can match the intensity of Chris Benoit any day, anywhere, (split screen focuses on Hardcore Holly and I about puke) but this man just happens to be from the MOTOR CITY OF DETROIT! Tonight, facing CHRIS BEN WAH for the world title is RHYNO!" Rhyno is super excited. "YEAH! WOO! CAN YOU SEE ME NOW, CENA? HA!" Rhyno throws his Smackdown shirt at Heyman.

--Up Next - the world tag team championship - RVD & Booker T v. Ric Flair & Batista!

--Commercials: The Untouchables Uncut (3), This Just In..., Resident Evil: Outbreak (2), Twix (2), Drakengard (4), Andre Agassi for Nike, Taco Bell, Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell (2), Never Die Alone (2)

--Snickers Crunch of the Week: Booker T pinning Bubba Ray Dudley with the bookend one week ago.

--WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - BOOKER T & ROB VAN DAM (champions, combined 491) v. BATISTA & RIC FLAIR (challengers, combined 542): Sign: EVOLUTION OVER? That doesn't really work like "Game Over." Booker and Flair start it out. Circle, collar-and-elbow, side headlock by Booker, off the ropes, shoulderblock puts Flair down. Collar-and-elbow, hammerlock from Booker. Flair elbows out. Side headlock from Flair, off the ropes, shoulderblock puts Booker down, off the ropes, Booker leapfrogs Flair, dropkick by Booker T. Flair comes back with a chop, tag to Batista. Corner whip, follow-in, Booker with an elbow. Tag to Van Dam, shitty rights, shoulderblocks, backflip for no reason, again something blah blah, boots up, up top, flying crossbody hits - 1, 2, kickout. Van Dam dropkicks the knee, tag to Booker T. Catapult -> superkick which is great. Into the heel corner, Flair gets the tag. Short corner whip, Booker bumps big for it for some reason. Booker eats two chops, reverses, right, chop, right, chop, right, chop, right, chop, right, flop. Flair takes a backdrop and begs off. Up off the knees - thumb to the eye! Strut! Chop from Flair - cover, 2. Scoop aaand a slam by Flair, kneedrop follows. Whoo! Flair with chops, Booker fires back, trading now, Booker wins with the right/chop combo. Corner whip, Flair gets an elbow up. Flair up top, Lawler begs him not to do it - usual result. Tag to RVD - five star frog splash on Flair's face! Van Dam covers, Batista runs in, Van Dam rolls out. To commercials - (05'19")

--Commercials: The Untouchables Uncut (4), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre DVD (2), Jakks Goldberg/Lesnar (2), Twix (3), Drakengard (5), Spring Breakout! at my local Ford dealers, Comcast

--And we're back with Batista locking Booker's chin. Booker up and elbows out, kneelift from Batista. Corner whip, Booker with the elbow up. Superkick! Booker makes the tag to RVD, Batista off the ropes, up, flying kick from RVD -> spinebuster from Booker. Cover, 2, Flair breaks it up. Flair with a hellacious chop block on RVD, who rolls around in proper agony. Flair stomps on the knee after a legal tag, but Flair is on top of the injured leg - figure-four leglock! Van Dam fights and fights, so he hammerfists Flair in the knee to little effect. RVD gets the ropes. Flair goes right back to the knee. Enzuigiri from Van Dam! Flair flop #2! Off the ropes, Van Dam with the stepover spin kick, tag to Booker! Tag to Batista! Booker with rights, off the ropes, reversed, Booker with a forearm. Harlem sidekick (JR: "Nice martial arts kick.") on Batista, chops in the corner. Booker kicks up in the corner, out, BOOKEND! Spinaroonie! Flair is in but eats a kick. To the midsection, off the ropes, axe kick on Batista! 1, 2, Flair interrupts again. RVD in and on Flair. Rolling thunder on Flair! Batista and Booker set up a horribly contrived missed flying kick to the back of Booker's head from RVD, Batista sends Van Dam to the floor, sit-out power bomb on Booker! 1, 2, 3. (05'07" - 10'26" total) Batista and Flair win their second world tag team championship. RVD and Booker are in disbelief.

--Commercials: The Untouchables Uncut (5), YJ Stinger with Fozzy (2), Drakengard (6), Marion Jones for Nike, Milky Way (2), Reebok w/pug dog stealing shoe, This Just In... (2)

--Paul is making his next pick. "Eric Bischoff, ladies and gentlemen, and all the Smackdown fans that are watching Raw for the first time tonight, Paul Hey-- Paul Heyman's Smackdown is privileged to announce - Tazz, you're gonna love this! The extreme reunion this Thursday night of the mad genius of Paul Heyman - and Mr. Thursday Night - ROB VAN DAM!" Bischoff is upset, Heyman isn't. Tazz and Cole are thrilled.

--Backstage, Booker and RVD discuss the rematch clause in their contracts. Apparently, they didn't hear. THE COACH is here to break up the party by informing them. Booker T isn't happy with this because they're a team. Aw, they bonded.

--WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - CHRIS BENOIT (champion, 229, now residing in Atlanta, GA) v. RHYNO (challenger, 275, Detroit, MI): They don't really go over the history of these two, but that's probably because they don't know it. Benoit kicks out of the corner, right, right, chop, off the ropes, knockdown, snap suplex. Right, chop, Rhyno is FUCKING FAT. Holy shit. Benoit into the corner, Rhyno takes a back elbow. Rhyno goes for a power bomb, Benoit punches away but gets dropped face-first into the turnbuckle. Cover, 2. Rhyno sets - sharpshooter! JR is confused, he's not used to these sort of things. Benoit is in extreme agony and I love it. YAAAAA Benoit powers up and gets the bottom rope. Rhyno stomps away. Benoit turns the tide with forearm shots, sets for a German, Rhyno blocks, Benoit goes for a sharpshooter and Rhyno gets the ropes. JR is putting Rhyno over as a legit threat which is nice. This is like when Bret Hart would wrestle Repo Man or something. German suplex! German suplex! German suplex! Cut da t'roat! Benoit up top - headbutt connects! Cover, 2, Rhyno kicks out. Rhyno with a spinebuster to shift the momentum. Rhyno is ready for it and the crowd is responding - GOOOORE is dodged, out of the corner, CRIPPLER CROSSFACE! Rhyno taps. (04'36") Good TV match. Is this really Raw now?

--Backstage, Eric Bischoff is pleased with the results. SHAWN MICHAELS taps him on the shoulder. "Looks like the, uh, world heavyweight championship is safely intact around the waist of Chris Benoit. (pat, pat) Now Eric, as much as I want a shot at Chris Benoit, this thing between Triple H and myself, is far from over." Oh shut up. "And in light of his trade, I see you've got one of two choices, either trade me to Smackdown or ... no, I'm sorry, there's only one choice, trade me to Smackdown - do it now." YES DO IT! And way to flub your lines, lady. "Shawn, I'm not gonna trade ya. I'm gonna go one better - I am gonna be behind you one hundred percent like never before, and let me give you an example - Raw's next big pay-per-view, Backlash? Shawn Michaels, HBK, you're gonna be headlining that pay-per-view. And provided that Chris Benoit and Shawn Michaels are still a part of Raw after the trade deadline, you're gonna get your shot at the world title AND Chris Benoit. What do you think?" "I think you may have just solved my problem. 'Cause what better way to get back at Triple H, then take the one thing that means the world to him - the world heavyweight championship. And for Chris Benoit? This time, one-on-one, with the showstopper. This time? The kick - ooh, the kick, ooh, is gonna stick." My god, can this man get a little gayer?

--Raw live dates: Saturday in Cape Girardeau, Sunday in St. Louis, next Monday in Cincinnati, one week from Friday in Hidalgo, one week from Saturday in MONTERREY, MEXICO!

--Commercials: Burger King (3), Freevibe.com, Ninja Gaiden (2), Reebok w/pug dog stealing shoe (2), Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six 3, The Girl Next Door

--WWE Slam of the Week Brought to you by Drakengard: Molly was bald last Monday. And still, assumedly.

--Eric Bischoff has the floor. "And now, it is time to welcome another Smackdown superstar to Raw!" "Come on, please, don't take all night." "Hey - it's the Japanese Buzzsaw, TAJIRI!" Tajiri hugs Akio and Sakoda goodbye. Johnny Stamboli seems a little choked up. They COMPLETELY ignore Tajiri's glorious reign as the WCW U.S. champion. "If you don't mind, Eric, you can skip the whole shirt-and-cap routine, I'm bored by it myself from you. Smackdown, ladies and gentlemen, is pleased to welcome the former member of the Raw roster - hey! This one's different. A very close personal friend of mine, and one of the TRUE geniuses of World Wrestling Entertainment - ladies and gentlemen, MR. THEODORE R. LONG!" Jazz is mad but Theodore R. seems to not care. "Well seeing as how you wanna pick up the pace here..." "Yes I do! See if you can keep up with me now!" "My next pick - is a former intercontinental champion, a former tag team champion (not Billy Gunn!), he's been out for a while, but when he cames back, he's coming back to Raw - my next pick is EDGE!" Yay! Crowd pops big for that one, Heyman is really mad. JR and King like it. "Wrong! Can't happen! There's no way it can - Edge is on injured reserve! Wipe that smile off your face before I wipe it off for you. Anyway, to pick up the pace like we do Thursday nights on Paul Heyman's Smackdown, ladies and gentlemen, Smackdown's final pick this evening, I am very proud and privileged to welcome to the Smack--" Heyman looks at the paper and throws it on the ground. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's the matter Paul, what's the matter, who you have here? Aha - congratulations! Smackdown and Paul Heyman get - SPIKE DUDLEY." Cole and Tazz try to be nice but they have already shit on Spike, the poor guy. I mean I don't even like Spike Dudley but jeez, did he deserve that? "First of all - you may think it's funny that ya picked Spike Dudley, but at least from now on on Smackdown, I'll have someone to PICK on. So Eric, if you don't mind, and quite frankly even if you do, pick the final member of the Smackdown roster, 'cause I can't stand any of 'em anyway, and let's get this over with!" King wants Angle or Big Show. JR agrees. "Well, for my next - I - for my next - I - I can't believe this!" "What?" "I mean, Vince McMahon said everyone - that means EVERYONE is eligible for the lottery draft, and - I can't" "Who is it?! Say it already! Get it over with!" "PAUL HEYMAN!" Paul is shocked. The Smackdown roster is thrilled, except for Big Show, it would appear. The Raw roster doesn't know what to do, except the Dudleys and Steven Richards aren't happy. JR wants Bischoff to give him back. "Now, it just so happens, Paul, I mean this is gonna work out great. Because as it turns out, I could really use some help. In fact, I've got some, l-l-l, I've got some laundry that I need to get taken care of. I've got a car needs to be washed. I mean, I've got a lot of things that need to be taken care of, and Paul, I can't think of anybody better than you." "You know, I uh - I built ECW with both you and Vince on my back, I made Smackdown what it is today - Paul Heyman's Smackdown! And - and, and, and, I could do the same for Raw, Mr. Bischoff, except, I'm unwilling to appear before these animals that you call a Monday Night Raw audience. (boo) And, and most of all Eric - I would NEVER sell my soul to a piece of slime like YOU. So let me spell this out for you, so that even ERIC BISCHOFF can understand it! Eric Bischoff, screw you! I quit!"

Heyman walks out and Bischoff makes his way to the ring. "Well then - goodbye! I wanna make one thing very clear! It should be obvious to each and every one of you people! I've been able to withstand TWO general managers! I've even stood up to Stone Cold Steve Austin - I wanna make it clear to every one of the talent - on both rosters, anybody that I might acquire in the trade, Eric Bischoff is back in a damn - big - way! My way! Your way, that's it!" Oh my - it's EDGE! Edge is so excited to be here, the crowd is excited to see him. Bischoff is happy to see him and welcomes him to the ring. Spear on Bischoff! Boy I'm glad to see him but that is a weak way to return. He beat up his GM? Say it ain't so!

--Michael Cole and Tazz take over to hype our upcoming main event.

--Commercials: The Stone Cold Truth, Hellboy (3), Drakengard (7), Snickers (2), Resident Evil: Outbreak (3), Sofa Mart (local), Afdent (local)

--Moments Ago, Eric Bischoff was speared by the returning Edge.

--During Break, Paul Heyman exited the building, got in his limo, and left. King wonders what will happen with the trade now that there's no Smackdown GM.

--WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - TRIPLE H (challenger, 265, Greenwich, CT) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (champion, 228, El Paso, TX): HHH comes out with a Raw shirt on and rips it off to reveal a Smackdown shirt. He's also growing his beard back so maybe his Flair worship phase is over and he'll go back to being a rogue with a denim/leather hybrid jacket. Eddie offers his hand, HHH is going to take it, but instead pats his own ass. HHH with a side headlock, into the corner, clean break, Eddie shoves HHH, HHH shoves back. Collar-and-elbow, side headlock by HHH, off the ropes, shoulderblock puts Eddie down. HHH wants da belt! Off the ropes, stepover, Eddie with a hiptoss, follows with an armdrag, Eddie goes to an armbar on HHH's bad arm, HHH gets the ropes. Drop toe-hold and Guerrero goes back to the arm. Eddie slides through off the ropes, armdrag -> armbar. HHH rolls out and sells the arm. Guerrero goes out and attacks the arm some more with the steps and post helping him out. Back in and into an armwringer. Guerrero ducks off the ropes, HHH hits the high knee. To commercials - (02'44") - you know, Cole and JR even go to commercials in their own recognizable fashion.

--Commercials: Stripperella, Walking Tall (3), Twix (3), Drakengard (8), Lance Armstrong for Nike (2), Burger King (4), Hellboy (4)

--And we're back with Guerrero being thrown to the floor. Outside, HHH whips Eddie into the steel steps. HHH does more damage outside, breaks the count, and now they're back in the ring. Corner whip, Guerrero hits hard. A second, cover, 2. Guerrero fights back as they exchange blows, but HHH wins out. Off the ropes, high backdrop by Triple H - cover, 2, kickout. Backbreaker by HHH. HHH gets the abdominal stretch - Eddie is really short. Boy, why don't you two just take Triple H's wiener out of his pants and rub it on your faces? HHH grabs the ropes and gets caught, so it's broken. Off the ropes, Eddie gets the tilt-a-whirl headscissors! Both men down, on their feet, standing dropkick from Guerrero. HHH with a right, Eddie fires back. Right, Eddie fires back. Guerrero with a series of rights, off the ropes, back elbow, clothesline, Eddie has the latino heat flowing. Off the ropes, HHH grabs the sleeper, Guerrero suplexes out - cover, 2. Eddie with a springboard tornado DDT, cover, 2. Guerrero caught with the knee-to-face, cover, 2. Tazz called HHH the newest Smackdown competitor, but in fact, the newest is Spike Dudley. HHH to the second rope, Guerrero catches him with an atomic drop. Off the ropes, HHH catches him for the pedigree, Guerrero sweeps the legs and slingshots him. Verticals x3! Eddie's on fire now, but Ric Flair and Batista have come to ringside in their Raw shirts. We switch over to JR and the King? Why? Out to counter are John Cena and Rey Mysterio! We switch back to Cole and Tazz! HHH has the belt - SHAWN MICHAELS SUPERKICK! Michaels puts his hat back on and planchas everybody on the floor. Guerrero goes up top - Christian crotches him for the DQ. (08'16" - 11'00" total)

RVD is out in a Smackdown shirt to attack Christian! Cade, Spade, Venis and Storm are out! Here comes the Smackdown roster! Eddie and HHH fight in the ring! The rest of Smackdown comes down and we're switching from announce team to announce team here! Smackdown is outnumbering Raw greatly right here even though the Dudleys just came out. Here comes Kane with no shirt! Here comes Big Show! Flair is afraid of Big Show! CRASH! STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN COMES OUT ON HIS ATV - HE CALLS THE TROOPS - ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE! IT'S A GODDAMNED MOTOR CITY MADHOUSE MOTHERFUCKER! AUSTIN GETS IN THE FIGHT, BY GOD HE BITCHSMACKS BILLY GUNN! OH HELL YEAH! OH HELL YEAH! GOODNIGHT!

So that was pretty fun. Let's analyze the lottery.

SMACKDOWN SELECTION #1 - RENE DUPREE
He's clearly the one of La Resistance with the most upside and for god's sake, he's 20 years old. He's younger than me, which freaks me right out. As a singles, who knows? They seem to like him so at least he doesn't figure to head straight to Velocity to wrestle Orlando Jordan and Hardcore Holly, but you gotta figure maybe the Bradshaw heel turn isn't happening just yet so that we can get that sweet, sweet Dupree/Bradshaw program.

RAW SELECTION #1 - SHELTON BENJAMIN
This is the big hope pick of the draft since clearly Benjamin has the tools to go on his own. I think in all honesty maybe he isn't quite ready for the singles run, and I think the same for Charlie Haas, so maybe they should move Haas to Raw and establish them as a team again before eventually splitting them.

SMACKDOWN SELECTION #2 - MARK JINDRAK
I really enjoyed King being relieved that this pick was Mark Jindrak and not someone important. Mark Jindrak sucks in that natural athlete sort of way of sucking, because he can't quite adapt to anything but being able to jump really high and thinking that's going to be enough. Nice abs, though. Now HERE'S the guy headed straight to Velocity to wrestle Orlando Jordan and Hardcore Holly.

RAW SELECTION #2 - NIDIA
It's hard to argue with this woman's rack. She figures to be a better worker than Lita, Ivory or Jacqueline at the very least, and she has some seriously huge tits at this point, so I'm all for her.

SMACKDOWN SELECTION #3 - TRIPLE H
If this sticks, then good riddance. Not that I hate HHH (I don't) but I have tired of his long-winded promos and never wrestling, and he's beaten everyone on Raw a billion times, so the change can only be good. Once the change wears off and he's beaten everyone on Smackdown a billion times, too, then they might have some issues regarding him.

RAW SELECTION #3 - RHYNO
Rhyno is totally fat but looked good tonight against Benoit. He has hardly been ruined but the window for him ever becoming a serious uppercard guy is probably long shut. One time on TNM I put Rhyno in a tag team with Matt Hardy and they were pretty good.

SMACKDOWN SELECTION #4 - ROB VAN DAM
Desperately needed, for both RVD and me, the Raw viewer. I don't like RVD. Maybe he'll do something on Smackdown but right now it's difficult to imagine what, exactly. He can't turn heel because no one's going to boo him, which is the exact same position the top two champions on Smackdown are in. It would be a distinct hilarity if they put him in the cruiserweight division (he's announced at 220, which is the limit), but I can't see them doing that.

RAW SELECTION #4 - TAJIRI
Ah god send him home to Smackdown. Yeah, there's only so many times the man can lose to Rey Mysterio, but at least those matches are good. A best-of-37 series with Hurricane on Heat is the unfortunate likely fate for Tajiri on Raw.

SMACKDOWN SELECTION #5 - THEODORE R. LONG
I'm not going to lie, I don't care. Smackdown GM Theodore R. Long is a humorous idea but is anyone really going to buy him in that role? Seriously, dudes, five words and one initial: Smackdown General Manager James E. Cornette.

RAW SELECTION #5 - EDGE
Kind of a weak return but the crowd was hot for him. I really don't know what he could be doing, barring an initial heel turn, which now seems rather unlikely. And it would be hard to turn him heel right now anyway. Maybe Randy Orton's post-Foley program.

SMACKDOWN SELECTION #6 - SPIKE DUDLEY
What's really unfortunate is my precious Velocity matches such as London/Kidman v. Akio/Tajiri have quickly turned into London/Spike v. Akio/Sakoda and that's just pushing it. If he wins the cruiserweight title I will gag.

RAW SELECTION #6 - PAUL HEYMAN
I guess we already know how this one turns out. Interesting that A-Train was listed on the Raw superstars page at WWE.com afterward. If that's my trade-off for Heyman, I'm not exactly tickled pink.

So what did we accomplish? Not a ton, really, which is what I think most of us hoped for. The only real shakeups of any note are HHH moving to Smackdown and Heyman being gone as GM, which is a true shame because there is almost nobody that can replace Heyman and have his presence on TV. The cool thing about Bischoff and Heyman is that they have real history as heads of promotions, and they're both really good at playing the character on television. Stephanie McMahon sucked at it and if she comes back then they made a terrible decision. Shane is probably even worse because nobody takes Shane seriously.

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