WWE No Way Out 2004 - 02.15.04
by Scott Christ

This marks close to my official one-year mark here at Cubscom, which is the longest I have written for any site ever. What an accomplishment. I'd like to thank The Cubs Fan for running such a delightful web site, I'd like to thank Joe Gagne for writing things I like reading, I'd like to thank Tanvir Raquib and Feely for being my only readers, and I'd like to thank Flea for recognizing my excellence in the last IWC 100.

--Live on February 15, 2004 from the historic and atmospheric Cow Palace in San Francisco.

--On Heat, JOSH MATHEWS stands by the entrances (well, entrance singular, according to Kim Kimmerman), waiting for the arrival of Goldberg. It never comes. We get some video packages, a particularly tremendous interview with Jamie Noble, conducted by Funaki, which I wish to God I had taped, and then a match. Our commentators are MICHAEL COLE and TAZZ.

--HEAT MATCH - ULTIMO DRAGON (185, Nagoya, Japan), THUG LIFE BILLY KIDMAN & PAUL LONDON (combined 415) v. AKIO, SAKODA & TAJIRI (combined 613): Cole says something about whetting your appetite, and Tazz says if it gets too wet you can use Dragon's fire to "put it out." Tazz found that hilarious. Thousands of fans are still filing in as the arena is almost totally empty still. Tazz picks Big Show in the triple threat match later, Akio and London start it off. Standing basics, shoulderblock by Akio. London kips up into a headscissors. Jumpover dropkick to the back of the head and an armdrag into an armbar by London. Tag to Kidman, Akio gets a jawbreaker, tag to Sakoda. Akio and Sakoda get a double-team sandwich kick to the head on Kidman with the ref's back turned. Tajiri comes in, covers, and Jimmy Korderis tells Tajiri to get out since he didn't see the tag. Akio back in and into a front facelock. Legal tag to Tajiri, snapmare, kick to the spine. Cover, 2. Tajiri gets a cheapshot in on Dragon and then on London, and the heels drill Kidman's head with a triple-team dropkick. Cover, 2, London saves. Akio in, another nearfall. Hype for matches later. This just in: if you were hoping to go to the Smackdown-brand shows in South Africa, sorry, they are SOLD OUT. Kidman nails a dropkick, which may have been his first offensive move. Both down, Akio tags Tajiri, Kidman tags the Dragon. I totally wanted to see this match back in the day. Dragon with kicks on Tajiri and an Asai moonsault bodyblock on Akio. Tajiri kicks Sakoda by accident, flips off a backdrop attempt, and then catches a handspring elbow from Tajiri. Cover, 2, London saves. London takes his big bump of the match to the floor, Akio follows. Dragon with a kick to the gut on Tajiri, goes for the Asai DDT, Sakoda catches Dragon on the way up/down, Tajiri kicks Dragon in the head, Sakoda powerslams him. Tajiri covers, Sakoda gets rid of Kidman, 2, 3. (05'33") Pretty energetic and fun, but not much going on really.


--To the PPV!

--Before a video package or anything even airs, TORRIE and SABLE come out to hint-hint at their wild lesbian encounters. Perhaps to waste some time while people get let into the building? They chyrons tonight are awful, they're using Comic Sans MS.

--Brock v. Eddie video package, very well done. In fact one of my favorite ones. The gist is that Lensar is overconfident and perhaps overly focused on Goldberg, and that Eddy is fighting to overcome the odds. The point: they've both been here before.

--SmackDown! presents WWE No Way Out. They have no sponsors, proving to me that Raw is the superior brand.

--WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP HANDICAP MATCH - THE BASHAM BROTHERS (combined 495) & SHANIQUA (challengers) v. RIKISHI & SCOTTY 2 HOTTY (champions, combined 564): Scotty starts with Doug (thanks, Cole). Oh wait that's Danny (thanks, Cole, you dick). Danny tries to dump Scotty out, but he skins the cat and gets funky. Ugly spinning headscissors drives Danny top-of-the-head first into the mat. Tag to Rikishi, eyepoke from Danny, tag to Doug. Rikishi wants to drop his ass on him, but Doug moves. Big clotheslines from Rikishi on both Bashams, and Rikishi brings Shaniqua in the hard way. Shaniqua down in the corner, Rikishi wants the stinkyface, but she gets pulled out of there. Doug headbutts Rikishi, the moron. Tag to Scotty. Collision of heads, both men down. We're getting to that three minutes in? Shaniqua sure is great at yelling a lot. Scotty kips up - OMG. AHH! W! O! R! M! Booo Shaniqua nails Scotty from behind. Double-team slingshot suplex from the Bashams, two count. Danny is in now, I think. Yeah, he's the one with the fatter head. Now I've got the Bashams figured out. Tag to Shaniqua. Scoop aaand a slam. Scotty chokes Shaniqua. Scotty 2 Hotty is a man after my own heart. Tag isn't made to Rikishi, but Shaniqua gets Doug back in. More heel tactics to keep Scotty from making the 2 Hotty tag. Doug with a sleeper, Scotty hits the jawbreaker. Blind tag from Shaniqua, and she sets for a power bomb, but Scotty backdrops out. Tag to Rikishi! Rikishi is on fire on the Bashams, Shaniqua looks on before jumping on his back. Snapmare, there goes some of her wack K-Mart hair. Rikishi wants the banzai drop on Shaniqua, but the Bashams sneak in and power bomb Rikishi off the second rope. Shaniqua goes for the cover, 2, shoulder up. Hell breaks loose, Scotty takes out the Bashams with a plancha. Samoan drop on Shaniqua! Banzai drop! 1, 2, 3. (08'14") No worm? No stinkyface? F you.


--"If I had any sense, I'da dumped you the second you got blind."

--BLINDFOLDED JAMIE NOBLE (200, Hanover, WV) v. FORMERLY BLIND NIDIA (homeless because Jamie kicked her out): Charles Robinson demands that Jamie put the hood on, so he does. Noble charges right after putting it on, but Nidia bails out of the ring. Nidia gets a slap in, Noble takes the hood off and complains. Robinson threatens to DQ him. Hood is back on, Nidia trips him. Dropkick to the head! Nidia stomps around to get his attention, then kicks him in the ass. Repeat. Noble has her backed into the corner and nearly gets a couple hands full of tits, but backs off before he knows she's there. Nidia pantses him. This is stupid. Bulldog! Cover, 2, kickout and he's got an ankle. Nidia headscissors out and he falls out of the ring. Slidethrough dropkick, Nidia dances. Nidia taunts while Jamie begs the crowd to help him out. Kick to the ass #3. Cole has repeated the same shit about nine times in this match. Noble grabs Charles Robinson, who lets him know of his mistake, but then he gets hold of Nidia and throws her to the ground, pulling some of her hair out. Two matches, two skanks losing hair. I can dig it. Noble takes the hood off long enough to see Nidia on top with Robinson not looking, slams her off the top, and hooks a choke (does that have a name? [sounds like Paydirt without the DDT - tcf]) for the win. (04'26") This was cute at points and short enough to not be a real bother. DUD

--3 Days Ago on SmackDown!, Kurt Angle was laid out backstage with a chair, so during a Cena/Big Show match, Kurt Angle beat everyone up with a chair, as he suspected one of them did it. Later tonight, they will all meet. Now, Josh is backstage with KURT ANGLE. Angle still thinks one of Cena or Big Show laid him out with the chair. JOHN CENA interrupts. "See you got it wrong, Kurt. I am the type of guy to knock your ass out. But if John Cena gon' do it, he's gon' do it right to your FACE." Brawl and a pull-apart. "Haha. WHAT?" John Cena rules at everything but wrestling matches.

--In 28 Days

--There is the bay bridge connecting San Francisco to Oakland. Oh, No Way Out is sponsored by MX Unleashed. That's good!

--THE WORLD'S GREATEST TAG TEAM (combined 489) v. THE APA (combined 576): Bradshaw's right arm is all taped up because Shelton did some damage to it on Smackdown, I guess. Shelton and Faarooq start it off (how convenient), Shelton gets some wrestling on the mat. Boy Shelton is a stud. Faarooq knees Shelton in the gut when offering a test of strength, then hits a back elbow for a two count. Tag to Bradshaw. Shelton hits the arm, tag to Charlie Haas. Charlie bumps around, tag to Faarooq. God the APA are horrible. Faarooq gets a cover off some awful move, Shelton breaks the pin. Faarooq talks shit and this sucks. I liked the APA when they were always beating everyone's ass with big forearm shots and lariats and mean spinebusters. Now they give stock tips and...I don't know what Faarooq does. Anway, the heels are in control, frequent tags, etc. Oh snap, Charlie holds Faarooq in an armbar and Shelton hits a SPRINGBOARD MIKE ENOS from the apron. Back to the arm. Armbreaker, cover, Bradshaw saves. Some kinda crappy ankle lock or something by Shelton, tag to Charlie. Crowd is dead but Bradshaw's trying to liven them up. Tag to Shelton, tag to Bradshaw, guess the results. Power bomb on Shelton, cover, 2 before Charlie saves. Benjamin up top, Bradshaw cuts him off with a super last call. Haas back in - Clothesline from Hell! Superkick from Shelton! 1, 2, 3. (07'20") Decent by APA standards these days, which is still really bad.

--GOLDBERG, in a Team Punishment hoodie and Santa's Slay t-shirt, has arrived. Cole and Tazz are not fans. Video recap of the Lesnar/Goldberg dispute. We have time to kill so PAUL HEYMAN makes his way out to instruct Goldberg to stay in his seat. Talk talk talk, now BROCK LESNAR is here. Brock takes the mic. "How ya doin', Bill? (you tapped out chant) I came out here, Bill, to prove to all these people, and to prove to you, that I'm not intimidated by you. You see, you can sit there all night, Bill, but why?" Brock and Paul argue over whether or not Goldberg should get in the ring. This is getting, like, no reaction. Brock calls Goldberg a bitch, so Goldberg jumps the rail and gets into the ring. Heyman distracts Goldberg, Brock charges and powers Goldberg into the corner. Tazz and Cole are still not fans of Goldberg. Lesnar with shoulderblocks in the corner, F5 attempt, Goldberg gets out - Jackhammer! There, that got a reaction. Tazz and Cole: still not fans. Goldberg gets arrested and taken out of the building. This wasted about ten minutes. I like Cole and Tazz having brand pride, at least.

--HARDCORE HOLLY (234, Mobile, AL) v. RHYNO (275, Detroit, MI): Holly comes out while Lesnar is still recovering, and Lesnar runs away. The fight between Holly and Rhyno starts on the ramp, now we're in and Holly has a headlock. Such aggression. Out, back to the headlock after a moment. Rhyno rolls it, two count. Cole and Tazz get more shots in at Goldberg, that disruptive jerk. Rhyno gets thrown over the top, then pulls Holly out. Rhyno rams him into the apron twice, back in. Shoulder into the gut in the corner, kneelift. Rhyno deserves better than this. 1, 2, shoulder up. Rhyno wraps his massive, meaty thighs around the cut waist of Hardcore Holly, in one of wrestling's sexier moments. Another kneelift, two count. Rhyno asks who the man is, which gets a negative response, if you can call that a response. Holly ducks a roundhouse right and hits a back suplex, both men are down. Rhyno with more abdomen workage, which is appreciated. Holly with a clothesline, both men down again. This is so boring that we check in with Hugo and Carlos. Another clothesline from Holly, another, off the ropes, Holly with a horrible dropkick. Holly up top, Rhyno cuts him off and goes for a superplex - yep, it hits. Cover, 2, shoulder up. Inverted DDT by Holly, two count. Spinebuster by Rhyno. GOOOOOOOOOORE! Holly rolls out of the ring, then barely makes it back in before the ten count. Alabama Slam - 1, 2, 3. (09'53") A tale of two matches: one crappy and one pretty OK but with a lame finish.

--Monday Night War DVD spot.

--Smack Your TV spot.

--Video package.

--Lights out. BONG. In 28 Days...the Dead Will Rise...AGAIN.

--CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - CHAVO GUERRERO [JR.] (challenger, 213, El Paso, TX, with CHAVO GUERRERO SR.) v. REY MYSTERIO [JR.] (champion, 175, San Diego, CA, with JORGE PAEZ): Armdrag from Rey, heat gathering. Chavo with a snapmare, he tries to pull the mask off, and Rey knocks him to the floor. Chavo Sr. offers advice. "Chavo sucks" chant. Misterio with a headscissors takeover, wheelbarrow roll-through, 2. Flapjack from Chavito. Scoop aaand a slam. Scoop aaand a slam. Cover, 2. Rey with back elbows and he looks for a bottom-rope springboard sunset flip, but Chavo blocks - 619! West Coast Pop is prevented by Chavo Sr., and Jorge Paez has SEEN ENOUGH. Feign the right, stick him with the left! Jimmy Korderis throws Paez out, and Paez does an abnormally good acting job about it. Droppin' the Dime! 1, 2, kickout! Rey with a schoolboy, two count. Chavo attempts to be Deano Machino with the over-the-head gutbuster, which fails pretty miserably and Chavo nearly hurts himself. Chavo is totally in control, this match is good. Small package gets two for Chavito. Chavo hooks the abdominal stretch. Rey with a back suplex, 2. Chavo sweeps the legs and gets a single-leg liontamer. Chavo stomps away while selling his knee from earlier (or else it actually hurts). Knucklelocks get a couple of nearfalls, Rey bridges and Chavo gets some riding time. Pretty suddenly Rey ends up knees-first on Chavo's shoulder area, and rolls him up for two. Tilt-a-whirl gutbuster by Chavo, another near fall. Chavo gets a top wristlock, goes for another single-leg crab, but Mysterio kicks him off once, then spins up into a bulldog the second time. Cover, 2. Chavo goes for another over-the-head gutbuster, Rey lands on his feet and gets a spinning heel kick. Nice off-time clapping. Chavo goes shoulder-first into the ringpost. This match is good. Both men down, then up and slugging it out. Off the ropes, legsweep faceslam by Mysterio gets two. Mysterio is hot on the comeback trail. DDT on the apron! I love that shit. Rolled back in - 1, 2, shoulder up by Chavo. Mysterio goes for a springboard crossbody, Chavo ducks, front-layout suplex! 1, 2, kickout. Rey backwards up top, and Chavo again goes for the mask. What a stupid waste of time that is. Moonsault bodyblock by Rey - 1, 2, foot on the rope. That moonsault was scary. Chavo with clubbing forearms, looks for a power bomb, Rey tries to slide down, but gets slammed face-first. Cover, 2 again. Mysterio with a 'rana, uh oh - 619! Springboard crotch attack hits, but Chavo rolls through and gets the single-leg crab again. Rey gets the ropes, Chavo pulls him off, but thank god he's made to break the hold. Shoulderblock from the apron by Mysterio. Rey heads up top, Chavo Sr. shoves him off, Jr. rolls him up and grabs the tights, 2, 3! New cruiserweight champion! (17'21") It was so nice to see them get that much time, and they put on a good match with it. Still behind Dean/Scotty as far as WWE cruiser matches go.

--Mick Foley DVD spot.

--Another outside shot, this time a streetcar.

--Josh is backstage with Los Dos Chavos. Sr. is thrilled. There's Uncle Eddie's room. Jr. calls Eddie a loser about nine times. Also, an addict. Chavo Jr.'s English Lesson of the Night: "addict" means "there's a monkey on his back."

--Tale of the Tape for the triple threat match. Cena's career highlights: PH.D. IN THUGANOMICS. Here's a shot of the Big Show getting geared up.

--#1 CONTENDER'S TRIPLE THREAT MATCH - KURT ANGLE (220, Pittsburgh, PA) v. THE BIG SHOW (WWE United States Champion, 500, Tampa, FL) v. JOHN CENA (240, West Newbury, MA): That U.S. belt is so ugly. Cena's rap: "Kurt thinks I hit him with a chair / This fool is outta his mind / I'm not the guy that's gonna hit another dude from behind / I'm not your right hand, Kurt, there's no way I could whack you / If I got beef, I come right up to your face and frickin' smack you / You wanna know who knocked you out, here's a really big clue / He's 500 pounds, he smells like crap, and he's standin' right next to you / Let's throw this whale back in the bay and have him sleep with the fishes / This ain't no three-way dance / This is me servin' two bitches / No Way Out is my house, check the chain and the lock / These people will hang from my words, you two can swing from my." The word he's looking for is "cock." Cena stays out of the way to start and Big Show throws Angle around, which amuses Cena. Angle isn't quite as entertained by it, so he challenges Cena to GET SOME of Big Show. Big Show tosses Cena around, too. He's very big and strong. Now Angle's amused. Angle and Cena come to blows, leading to an overhead belly-to-belly from Angle for two. Cena gets knocked from the apron and sells the knee (with knee brace). Angle fires off some haymakers, but Big Show is really big. Side slam for two, Cena breaks. Angle rolls out, it's Cena's turn to be not as big as the Big Show. Slam and a legdrop ("500 pound log"), and another legdrop. He sets for, perhaps, a third, and Angle breaks it up. Show looks for a chokeslam on/from the apron, but Cena breaks it up (why?). Angle tries to German the Big Show off the apron, but that's not happening. Angle gets Show down anyway, then drags Cena to the floor. Head off the steps, rolled back in, 2. Cena takes over briefly and gets a two count on Angle. Big Show is still on the floor as Angle hits the three Germans on Cena. Big Show's back in to break the pin. Angle hits shoulder first on the post and falls to the floor, leaving Big Show and the shitty wrestler in the match. Show stands on Cena's weak knee, which I support. Stepping on his lower back, works for me. Show continues killing Cena with a vertical suplex. Cover, 2. Cena avoids a corner charge and dropkicks the knee. Pumping the shoes, Cena heads up top, double ax-handle and/or flying elbow hits. Angle's up top - flying dropkick puts Show down. Cover, 2, Cena breaks. Cena throws Kurt back out. Kick, FU hits! Angle sneaks in for the Angle Slam, but Cena drops down and hits a DDT. All three men down. Cena covers Show, 2, foot on the rope. Well, he tried to anyway. He got it around the AREA of the rope. Cena thrown out, Angle Slam on Big Show! 1, 2, shoulder up. Cena goes for the FU on Angle, but Angle gets the ankle lock. Oh shit - AHHHTHECHOKESLAM! Schoolboy by Cena on Show, kickout. AHHHTHECHOKESLAM! 1, 2, ankle lock on Big Show. Big Show rolls through and kicks Angle off. Cena with a crappy spinebuster on Angle, fistdrop hits, and Cena is hyped. FU on Angle is stopped with a chop block by Big Show on the injured knee. Show slams Cena into the turnbuckles, which was supposed to hurt the knee, I guess. Angle dumps Show out of the ring with the Angle Slam, then hooks the ankle lock on Cena, grapevines it, and Cena taps out. Kurt Angle is going to Wrestlemania. (12'15") Shorter than I expected, but thankfully so. This was a lot like the Angle/Lesnar/Show triple threat from last year, but Cena isn't Lesnar.

--We've got 40 minutes and one match left. I have a boner.

--WWE Originals spot.

--Wrestlemania XX spot.

--Tale of the tape and video package. Tazz does not think Eddie has any chance, it would appear.

--WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - BROCK LESNAR (champion, 295, Minneapolis, MN) v. EDDIE GUERRERO (challenger, 220, El Paso, TX): Lockup, Lesnar overpowers Guerrero and shouts, "You ain't nothin'!" Again, Eddie is fired up and yelling, back into the collar-and-elbow, Lesnar overpowers him again. In the corner, Lesnar stomps and gets a bootchoke. Lesnar is all over him, but Guerrero gets an elbow up on a corner charge. Eddie fires away, but Lesnar gets a kneelift to put him down. Lesnar drops Eddie right on his head in a power bomb, picks him up, spins him, and throws him. Overhead belly-to-belly! High knee in the corner on Eddie. This is DESTRUCTION. Overhead belly-to-belly! Eddie bails to get a breather. More Lesnar dominance. Eddie trips Brock up, tries to drag him into the post, but Brock stops him. Well, he tried. Left knee around the ringpost. Eddie tries it again, Lesnar pulls back and sends Guerrero into the post. Back inside, Lesnar hits the delayed fisherman buster. Cover, 2. Lesnar goes into a wrapped sleeper, which I would call a rear naked choke, but you know what, chokes aren't legal in wrestling. Eddie fights off the mat with elbows and hits a jawbreaker to break out of the hold. Eddie charges, Brock presses him, Guerrero slides down, dropkick to the knee. WHAM Eddie runs into a lariat. Shit. Lesnar with a German that nearly gets botched, but Lesnar is thankfully naturally strong enough to get him over far enough to not kill him. Lesnar takes over again with Methodical Offense. Lesnar charges the corner, but Eddie moves and Lesnar flies over the top rope, crashing his bad knee into the top turnbuckle. That was a great show of athleticism. Guerrero flies out with a slingshot plancha. Both back in at nine. Lesnar misses with a clothesline, Guerrero lands a back suplex. Hotshot by Lesnar! Lesnar shouts at Guerrero some more, but in the middle of it, Eddie takes a leg, then twists it over into an STF, which gets a big pop (WTF). Brock breaks that, but Eddie stays on the knee by slamming it onto the mat. Stomps to the knee, Lesnar shoves him off, but Eddie comes right back. Eddie goes for a figure-four, Lesnar kicks him away. Guerrero goes back, same result. Same thing again. Brock looks to take over again, but Eddie slips down on a suplex attempt and gets a tilt-a-whirl headscissors. Back to the knee, and Eddie gets the figure four leglock! Figure four isn't as over as the STF. Shoulders go down, 2. Lesnar gets the ropes eventually, and makes his way up, but Eddie kicks his leg out of his leg. Guerrero hooks the single crab, and Cole is starting to believe in miracles. Back to the STF, Lesnar powers out. All of a sudden, bam, release German suplex by Lesnar. Spinebuster! Cover, Tazz is sure it's over, 2, kickout. Back to the cover, shoulder up. Lesnar with a -- hmm. IS that just a crappy crossface chicken wing? Either way, this move stinks. Brock makes it a sleeper with the legs wrapped. Eddie gets to his feet, Lesnar hangs on, and Eddie runs Lesnar face-first into the turnbuckle. Eddie heads up top - flying dropkick misses! Gutwrench submission by Lesnar, and he's bleeding from the nose and yelling for Eddie to die. Are you TRYING to give me a boner? They're putting over the length of the match now. Up and a gutwrench suplex by Lesnar. More yelling for Eddie to die, and Lesnar starts rolling Eddie in a waistlock for some near-falls. Lesnar holds onto the waistlock. Eddie fights out and lands some headbutts, which I'm all about. Dropkick to the bad knee, dropkick to the (bad?) head, headscissors! Lesnar with another kneelift, another corner charge misses, Eddie hits the snap suplex. Hold on, spin the hips, another. Hold on, spin the hips (not so much), and a third. Hold on, have a chat, release. Eddie's all hopped up (on drugs!) - frog splash misses. Tazz and Cole are sure that was Eddie's last chance. Lesnar hits the F5, but down goes the referee on the leg swing. Everyone stands up because who doesn't see it coming? We even get the chant. Lesnar heads outside and grabs da belt. Big pop - GOLDBERG! SPEAR! Great reaction for that. Tazz doesn't like it. Guerrero covers - 1, 2, SHOULDER UP. Oh man that was hot. As in, believable and reacted to. Guerrero sees da belt, and he's got some ideas. Tazz doesn't think it's not cool because that's not his title. That's great logic and I agree. Brock struggles up, ducks the belt shot, F5? DDT!!! It was supposed to hit da belt but did not, who cares. Eddie's going up! FROG SPLASH! ONE! TWO! THREE! (30'01") EDDIE GUERRERO IS THE CHAMPION! I'MA HAVE A SHIT! EDDIE GUERRERO IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! Eddie leaps into the crowd and celebrates, goes over to hug his mom and Mondo (his mom crying), and this is really quite a moment. Eddie calls for a flag, gets it, and has a great photo op standing on the announce table. The match itself was terribly refreshing for a WWE show and really great.

We've had two straight PPVs to start the year that have had awful undercards before picking up toward the end, and both of them ended on huge heroic notes. Wrestlemania has to do the same, and then after that, we can get into bad men doing bad things again. All's I want is a few months of good doing well, or well doing good if you have use poor english. See you for WRESTLE...........MANIA (on my birthday!)