No Mercy - 10/19/03
by Scott Christ

Before officially getting underway, I want to apologize for missing the Heat match between Billy Kidman and Shannon Moore. This is uncommon of me, but my stupid friend took too long getting snacks at the grocery store, and we got back at 7:55, in time to see one last hype job for Lesnar-Undertaker, but not in time to catch the match. I'm profoundly sorry that this happened, believe me, but these are the type of people I run with.

Oh also, I might actually get around to finishing last week's TNA sometime. Maybe when I do this week's.

[Also, sorry THIS ended up being late. I'm a busy man.]

--What an amazing video package for Vince and Stephanie. The production people need gold medals for this shit. HEY! Stephanie's bear! Lesnar-Undertaker package is pretty good, too.

--SmackDown! and Subway present No Mercy, live on October 19, 2003 from the First Mariner Arena in Baltimore. GO ORIOLES! Fireworks! Crowd! Our commentators at ringside are MICHAEL COLE and TAZZ. Also at ringside, our Spanish commentators, CARLOS CABRERA and HUGO SAVINOVICH. How's it going, guys?

--WWE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - TAJIRI (champion, 206, Yokohama, Japan) v. REY MISTERIO JR. (challenger, 175, San Diego, CA): Oh man, I hope we get to see more black mist. Misterio makes referee Brian Hebner check Tajiri's mouth, and Hebner finds nothing. Underway, collar-and-elbow, they fall to the floor, back in, Tajiri kicks high, Misterio blocks and kicks low. Tazz begins his act of being hot and cold throughout the night, right now hot. Tajiri starts working the arm, then connects with two knife-edge chops against the ropes. Misterio slides through the legs off the ropes, but Tajiri catches him with a waistlock. Misterio flips out, armdrag takes Tajiri down, dropkick to the knee follows. Handspring elbow from Tajiri, Misterio counters with a dropkick to the back. Tajiri bails, Rey flies over with a plancha. Tajiri in the ring, Rey goes up top and gets a knucklelock on Tajiri (is he going for old school?), who brings him down arm-first across the rope. Arm wringer and repeated shots to the arm from Tajiri. Hard kick in the corner, back to the arm now. Misterio hits another armdrag, flips up for a rana, flips right back out, and Tajiri hits a wicked kick to the kidney, followed with a crescent kick to the jaw. Cover, 2, shoulder up. Tazz assures us, about Misterio, that "this dude is a world-class athlete." Misterio fights back with an elbow, a low kick, and a kick to the chest, then heads up - kick to the head from Tajiri. Rey Misterio Jr. now comes with Bart Gunn headbobble action. Misterio shoves him away, off the top rope, tornado DDT! Cover, 2, kickout! Cole puts over that this is the third match in the rivalry, which, you know, I like things like that. I like Michael Cole and Tazz. Moonsault bodyblock, cover, 2! Misterio with two more near-falls, Tajiri looks for a slingshot, but Misterio lands on the apron. Legscissors takeover to the floor, Misterio on the apron, and he hits the huracanrana on the floor. Back in at six, Misterio looks for the West Coast Pop, but Tajiri ducks. Back kick to the gut from Tajiri, off the ropes, Misterio gets the 619! Up for the West Coast Pop again, Tajiri counters with a powerbomb! Cover, 2, no! Misterio charges, Tajiri throws him overhead, Misterio lands on the top rope and hits a moonsault press! Cover, 2, kickout! Man, that was pretty sweet. Tajiri catches Misterio in the tarantula, but lets go at three because of the low kicks to the knee from Misterio earlier on. Slingshot from Misterio, and Tajiri's in position - 619! Misterio sets for it again, West Coast Pop hits! Hey, oh no, a fan is in the ring, and he's wearing wrestling boots! Misterio is distracted, Tajiri hits a roundhouse kick to the head, cover, 2, 3! (11'38") After numerous replays, Michael Cole ensures us that those fans will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Good match. 1/2

--Backstage, JOSH MATHEWS interrupts the unmistakable swagger of VINCE MCMAHON. Josh asks the tough question - how's he feeling? Vince notes that Josh is nervous, and that that's a stupid question. Vince gives the crazy eyes, and says it's personal, but at the same time it's business. You might say it's personal business. Vince lays down the law - if anyone interferes in his match tonight, they will never be employed again by anyone. Vince demands that Josh thank him, so Josh does.

--Back to ringside with my main man Michael Cole and his friend, Tazz. Tale of the tape for Lesnar v. Undertaker.

--A-TRAIN (350, Boston, MA) v. CHRIS BENOIT (229, Edmonton, AB): What a rivalry these two have developed. A-Train talks some smack, but Benoit punches and kicks him in retaliation. Frankly, in a pro wrestling contest, I believe Benoit's strategy will be more effective in the long run. Tazz says Benoit will not let A-Train "dect, di-tect the pace," but I'm not sure what he's talking about. Nothing but brawling so far, but good brawling. A-Train working Benoit over, now Benoit is bleeding. A-Train with a butterfly, then drops Benoit down with a shoulderbreaker. Benoit's blood is coming from the mouth. Cover, 2. A-Train breaks out the polish hammer, then surfboards the back. Crowd is really into this. Benoit slides between the legs off the ropes, DDT! Both men down, Jimmy Korderas starts the count. Benoit looks for the German suplex, standing switch, A-Train hits one himself. Tazz starts stumbling over his words, and Michael Cole just can't take it anymore. Outside now, Benoit into the wall, A-Train throws him back in and grabs a chair. Train slides the chair in, gorilla press on Benoit, who tries to do something, and falls on his head. That was goddamn scary, but Benoit is a-ok. A-Train takes the chair and wedges it into the corner. Off the ropes, Benoit rolls through, crippler crossface! A-Train powers out, Benoit hits the German suplex x3! CUT THE THROAT. Benoit heads up top, but A-Train is up and biels him off. A-Train cuts the throat? And heads up top? But he thinks better of it? OK. Derailer! Cover, 2, NO! A-Train goes for a kick, but misses and drives his leg through the chair in the corner, struggles to get it off, and Benoit gets a dragon screw legwhip. Oh shit - sharpshooter! Big pop, A-Train taps out! (12'23") What a good match. Benoit was amazing.

--Backstage, MATT HARDY VERSION 1.0 is looking for SHANNON MOORE, and when he finds him, he's being choked by BIG JOHN HEIDENREICH. Matt gets Big John to let him go by assuring him that they did not throw out his WWE tryout tape. Stuff about Little Johnny, that really better pay off somehow, because this guy has a godawful lisp.

--Chicago Enforcers? I guess it's nice that they got some use out of the jerseys. Vince makes a sly comment about WWE and football. "Nah." This is a Survivor Series ad, by the way.

--TONY CHIMEL wants to thank all the men and women of the U.S. military that are in attendance tonight.

--ZACH GOWEN (159, Detroit, MI) v. MATT HARDY VERSION 1.0 (227, Cameron, NC): You know, am I really supposed to buy that Zach Gowen weighs nine more pounds than Spike Dudley? Matt Fact: Matt can not be grossed out. Matt Fact: Matt has survived five car wrecks. Hardy drives him into the corner and smacks him, but Gowen fights back with a spinning leg lariat. Hardy with a bodyslam - "I'M VEE ONE-AHHHH!" Gowen with a ... thing from the top, cover, 1, kickout. Gowen goes for a springboard, but Moore drops the rope on him and Zach falls on his head. Hardy with a clothesline in the corner, followed with snake eyes and a running lariat. Cover, 2. Vertical suplex, Matt surfboards the back. Up out of that, Zach elbows out, Matt knocks him back down. Gowen wants to go up, but Matt slams him, then mocks the up up up! thing. Matt goes for the moonsault, but Gowen rolls away. Zach with a dropkick, Matt rolls to the floor. Gowen springboards off his knee and hits a somersault plancha. Matt back in, Gowen up top, crossbody, 2. Side Effect from Matt Hardy! Cover, 2, shoulder up. Zach goes for the moonsault again, but Matt hits him from behind and he falls on his nub leg. Matt goes for a back superplex, Gowen elbows away - moonsault hits! Cover, 2, 3! (05'32") Remember when Matt Hardy was a star on the rise? The match was alright.

--Backstage, Vince is tying his shoes, and in walks LINDA MCMAHON. Linda, in quite possibly the absolute worst acting performance of her career, pleads with Vince to not go through with the match. Vince decides he'll give an inch - Stephanie can win by pinfall or submission, and Vince can only win by submission. But now he wants his inch back - it's no holds barred.

--THE APA (combined weight of 576) v. THE BASHAM BROTHERS (combined weight of 495, Columbus, OH): This match was made on Heat, apparently. Two weeks ago on SmackDown!, the Bashams beat the APA with chairs. Then, in revenge, Bradshaw clotheslined Shaniqua from hell, and she's not here. Doug starts with Bradshaw, Bradshaw does his usual crap. Tag to Faarooq, who does HIS usual crap. These guys suck a lot. Back elbow from Faarooq, cover, 2. Powerslam on Doug, Danny runs in, he gets a drop toehold. Tag to Bradshaw, more Bradshaw crap. Tag to Faarooq, double-team shoulderblock gets two. Tag to Doug, I guess Danny just stayed in. Now they talk about their sick sexual fetishes. Tazz doesn't want Michael Cole to talk about sexual fetishes, because they're all dudes and gay people are GROSS. Faarooq goes for the dominator, no go, double-team back suplex by the Bashams, cover, 2, Bradshaw breaks. Boy this is bad and no one cares. Lots of junk. Faarooq hits the spinebuster, and now we're getting the hot tag. Bradshaw kills everything 'cause he's so great and awesome. Powerbomb on Doug, 2. The Bashams double-up on Bradshaw, but he's too awesome and great. Last Call on Danny, then a super Last Call on Doug. Faarooq inadvertently takes out referee Mike Sparks - here's SHANIQUA, with new tits. She hits Bradshaw with a pipe, then Doug or Danny or whoever hits a leg lariat thing and that's the match, thank God. (08'53") Tazz and Cole put the Bashams over after.  

--Oh good, Josh is with Shaniqua and the Bashams. Let me transcribe: "Of course Bradshaw didn't expect me back. But it's gonna take more than a clothesline from hell to keep Shaniqua down. But I will tell you what his clothesline DID do. It did THIS (boobs). I mean, look at the SWELLING. In my CHEST. This WON'T. Go DOWN. And the doctor said, this may be permanent. But you boys did very well. And you deserve to be rewarded. So let's go - and whip it good." Excuse me, I have to leave.

--Tazz's Keys to Victory! Undertaker: 1. Throwin' hands, 2. Veteran instincts, 3. Get the chain. Lesnar: 1. Grappler game, 2. Controlled anger, 3. Get the chain.

--Video package.

--FIRST-EVER FATHER/DAUGHTER I QUIT MATCH WHERE DAUGHTER CAN ALSO WIN VIA PINFALL BUT THERE ARE NO HOLDS BARRED - STEPHANIE MCMAHON (Greenwich, CT, with LINDA MCMAHON) v. VINCE MCMAHON (weightless, Greenwich, CT, with SABLE): Cole and Tazz are putting this over pretty well, for whatever that's worth. Linda pleads with Vince not to go through with it one last time, but Stephanie tells her to leave - and Vince nails Stephanie from behind. Wait. This match is GROSS. Stephanie chokes Vince, but he snapmares her over. Stephanie in the corner, she slips between his legs (ew) and kicks him back into the corner. Vince comes out with a shoulderblock. Biel from Vince. Hey why is Nick Patrick the referee? Isn't Nick Patrick on Raw? Another biel. Vince working Stephanie over (ack). This match is uncomfortable for a number of reasons. Sable slaps Stephanie but hesitated before doing so. Linda gives chase and I wish for all our sakes that she would have worn a stronger bra if she planned on running. Stephanie lands a couple of kicks to the gut, but she goes to the well one too many times - Vince clotheslines her down and hooks on a half-crab. Stephanie screams and shouts and nearly dies, apparently. Argh stop it. Your voice. Your VOICE. Argh your face, your FACE. Vince, the genius, taunts away and surfboards the back, leading to more horrifying screaming. Vince starts choking her but Stephanie rakes the eyes, and he's blinded. Sable gets a pipe, but Linda trips her up and hammers away. Vince drags Linda up onto the apron, but she bitchsmacks him and Stephanie goes low (goddamn it). Stephanie with a small package (haha), 2. Stephanie has the pipe - Cole is screaming for her to "hit him in the damn head!" Vince begs off, charges, and Stephanie hits him in the ribs. Pipe across the back! Uppercut swing to the face! Off the top - flying pipe shot! Cover, 2, NO! Boy the crowd is off its ass for this. Sable is arguing with Nick Patrick, and Stephanie has had enough of her. Patrick keeps them apart, and Vince tries to sneak up, but Stephanie sends Vince into Sable. Bulldog, cover, 2! Stephanie charges with the pipe, but Vince grabs a chokehold and slams her down. Vince has the pipe now, shot to the stomach. Ugh no. What the crap is wrong with you fucking people. Vince is cut under his eye, but now he's choking Stephanie out with the pipe. Linda is trying to rally Stephanie, but she has given up - Linda throws the towel in and it's over. (09'24") Stephanie is out as GM. The heat was great and the match felt like it was supposed to, I guess, but this was still bad and unnecessary. After the match, Vince piefaces Linda and Cole and Tazz do a great job selling the whole pile of crap. 1/2

--Video package.

--Tonight's throwback: Bo Jackson, LA Raiders. "So Kurt Angle tried to dis me, but he just came off soft / He's like Siegfriend and Roy and I'm a tiger that's pissed off / This is John Cena, it's time to get dirty at No Mercy / And you don't wanna mess with me, I'm like a prostitute with herpes / Thought he was funny, with his midget that he couldn't take his hands off / You wanna see a real joke, have Kurt Angle take his pants off / He claims intelligence, that's impossible, his head is hollow / His t-shirt used to say 'you suck,' but they had to switch it 'cause he swallows / You wanna show your true colors, Kurt, then dress up like a chick / And stop actin' like we're married, get the hell off my"

--JOHN CENA (248, West Newbury, MA) v. KURT ANGLE (237, Pittsburgh, PA): Angle outwrestles Cena to start, and the crowd starts fighting with "Let's go Angle" and "Let's go Cena" chants. People are really starting to see Cena as just this guy instead of being a guy playing a character, which is a big thing, and people are starting to actually like him. Angle flips the double bird, but Cena baits him into the fistfight. Angle stays in control, though. Angle charges the corner with a shoulderblock to the ribs. Cena mounts the comeback and brawls away. Reverse neckbreaker, cover, 2. Cena goes to the arms, Angle fights out, Cena hits a kneelift. Spinning powerbomb from Cena, cover, 2. Cena hooks a front facelock and the crowd fights some more, which makes this all the more interesting. Spinebuster from Cena, cover, 2! Angle is bleeding from the mouth. Angle goes for the belly-to-belly throw from the top, Cena shoves him off, jumps, and Angle dropkicks the knee. Ankle lock! Cena makes it to the ropes, and goddamned if the ref doesn't actually make him release the hold. Angle gets a baseball slide after Cena bails to the floor, and we're back in now. Cena jacks the jaw over the top rope. Fighting on the apron, Angle nearly German suplexes him to the floor, but Cena holds onto the rope and DDTs him on the apron. Dag. Angle comes back in, Cena drops the guillotine leg while he's climbing back in. Cover, 2, kickout! Man, Cena's really breaking it out tonight. Angle comes back - German suplex! German suplex - no, Cena fights away and dropkicks the leg. Throwback hits! Cover, 2, shoulder up! Cena goes for a powerbomb (or piledriver, or something), but Angle drops to his knees to block. Cena hooks again - powerbomb into the turnbuckles! FU! Cover, 2, shoulder up! Cena is frustrated, this is reminiscent of his match with Undertaker at Vengeance. Or any other match he's had where he puts up a darn good fight but in the end he loses. FU again, blocked, Angle Slam! Cover, 2, shoulder up! Cena grabs the chain, but referee Jimmy Korderas takes it away, so Cena grabs Angle's medals - wham! Cover, 2, NO! Cena has lost it. Backslide from Angle, two count. Angle Slam, blocked, FU, blocked, victory roll, rolled through, ANKLE LOCK! Cena reaches for the ropes and Angle pulls him back and grapevines the leg - Cena taps! (18'25") This was a fantastic match and they should go again at Survivor Series, because Angle's the guy that can make Cena a main eventer.

--It's the action and excitement of the SmackDown! superstars: live! White Plains, NY! Albany, NY! Albany, GA! Augusta, GA! Atlanta, GA! Experience the SmackDown! brand of World Wrestling Entertainment: live!

--We are counting down to Wrestlemania XX, and in case you ever forget that, there's a big thing there every show.

--Here are some Baltimore Ravens, who lost earlier on this day.

--2 Weeks Ago on SmackDown!, Eddy Guerrero sprayed Big Show with shit. 3 Days Ago on SmackDown!, Big Show destroyed Eddy Guerrero on a lowrider truck. Tonight, the guy that sprayed poop will fight the guy that beat him up for it. This will be settled, one way or another.

--WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH - BIG SHOW (challenger, 500, Tampa, FL) v. EDDY GUERRERO (champion, 228, El Paso, TX): Eddy gets no car (or truck) this week. Do they make lowrider vans? Eddy shows off his cuts on the way to the ring. Guerrero attacks right away with a dropkick to the knees and follows it with a flurry of rights. Big Show, though, is very big, and therefore shrugs it all off. Eddy to the floor, Big Show tries to pull him back in, but gets dropped across the top rope. Eddy in, Big Show "clotheslines" him. Jesus Christ, what was that? Big Show with a slap to the chest, then a club to the back. Not a real club. This match, more or less, can be boiled down into very simple terms, and there's no real reason to keep repeating myself, so this is what it is: Eddy Guerrero is not as big as Big Show, so he hits him with weapons (garbage can lid, brass knux, U.S. title belt). None of this accomplishes his ultimate goal of pinning Big Show, or making him submit, and he runs out of ideas, because between these weapons shots and even a frog splash, Big Show hits him with a lot of offense, and, in the end, Big Show chokeslams Eddy Guerrero to win the U.S. title. (11'27") Post match, CHAVO GUERRERO JR. tries to console a disappointed Eddy by saying that they're still the tag champs, but Eddy doesn't seem to care. 1/2

--Survivor Series will be live from Dallas on November 16.

--Josh is with Big Show. "I told you! I told you I was gonna beat Eddy Guerrero! I told you I was gonna take his Latino Heat. I took his masculinity, and I beat him within an inch of his life. I gave him a beating that only a seven-foot-two, 500-pound giant could give. And Eddy hit me with everything he had, and it still wasn't enough. Do you understand I'm a giant? And that means nobody - and I mean nobody - can take this U.S. championship from me. Do you hear me? I told you so! I told everybody! I am the U.S. champion! I told you!"

--Video package.

--BIKER CHAIN MATCH FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP - THE UNDERTAKER (challenger, 305, Houston, TX) v. BROCK LESNAR (champion, 295, Minneapolis, MN): The chain is on a pole. Undertaker looks to attack with standing strikes, but Lesnar avoids. On the third try, Lesnar ducks low and buries the shoulders in the corner. Undertaker gets some rights, but Lesnar grips the bearhug. Undertaker moves in the corner, Lesnar shoulders the post. Undertaker works the shoulder now. Old School - not happening, Lesnar breaks it up with body shots. Knees to the gut, Undertaker reverses a whip, big boot and legdrop. Cover, 2, kickout. Old School - happening. Undertaker with la magistral? No shit. Two count. To the floor, Undertaker is on the advantage, and nails an elbow to the face. Whip is reversed, Undertaker crashes knees-first into the steps. Back in, Lesnar is in control. Release fisherman suplex by Lesnar, cover, 2. Apparently that move is just being called a perfectplex now, which is fine by me. Undertaker fires back with rights, but Lesnar sends him to the floor and starts hammering away. Undertaker staggers, and Lesnar slams his head onto the Spanish table. Back in, Undertaker rallies again. Woo, Undertaker picks up some shocking speed and hits the jumping clothesline. Cover, 2. Lesnar with another knee to the body, Undertaker with a hotshot, and he's headed for the chain. Undertaker on the way up - the lights are out. Undertaker: "Shit." Rustling about under the ring, huh? Generator problems, speculates Michael Cole. Amazingly, none of the video or audio went out. Michael Cole doesn't think about these things. Lesnar manages to get over and stop Taker from getting the chain, hits a powerslam, cover, 2, kickout. Lesnar goes out and tosses the steps into the ring. Undertaker is back up, though, and drops Lesnar with a headbutt. Lesnar comes back with forearms. In the corner, Lesnar with boots, Taker battles back with knees. Whip, reversed, Undertaker is sent into the steps with a drop toehold. Undertaker blocks two rams to the steps, and hits some uppercuts. Undertaker with a lariat, Lesnar is on the floor. Undertaker follows him out instead of retrieving the chain, which seems to be a bit of a curious decision. Undertaker with a piledriver on the steps! "Holy shit" chant, which is fine with me if people want to "holy shit" piledrivers. Undertaker looks for the chain again, but Lesnar cuts him off. Lesnar setting him in an electric drop position from the apron, but Undertaker counters with a triangle choke. Of sorts. Well, he tried. Lesnar with a low blow! Lesnar covers and gets two. Another cover, another two. That's four! Lesnar charges with the steps, but Taker boots them back into his face. Undertaker with the steps now, throw, misses, and the steps are back on the floor. Lesnar with more shoulders in the corner. Lesnar looking for the chain, he's not tall enough, and guess what? WEDGIE BOMB - no, Lesnar slides down and they collide on a double clothesline. Both men fighting it out now, trading rights. Snake eyes! Big boot (#3)! Undertaker calls for the chokeslam - Lesnar flies out in mid-air and hits a spinebuster! Cover, 2, Undertaker counters with a better triangle choke than earlier. Good God, Brock Lesnar just powerbombed him out of that. That is incredible power. Lesnar with a lariat. I have yet to mention the very fat man in the white shirt that hasn't moved all night. Right by him is a very small child that looks even smaller because of the fat man. Undertaker with a dragon sleeper, but Lesnar counters with the F5! Fat man is not impressed. Cover, 2, Undertaker gets the foot on the rope. Lesnar goes for the chain again, Undertaker cuts him off with a chokeslam from the top! No cover, Undertaker is instead going for the chain. Here come THE FBI! For fuck's sake. Nunzio is quickly thrown out, but Johnny the Bull and Palumbo get a half second of offense in before being tossed out. Lesnar sets again, F5 is no go, kick to the gut, WEDGIE BOMB! Undertaker should pin, but instead he wants to hit the big dive on Palumbo and Johnny, and he does. Nunzio is trying to get the chain, but he CERTAINLY isn't tall enough, and he gets knocked off to the floor. Undertaker is up now, and he has the chain! But here's VINCE MCMAHON, which would explain all the rustling about under the ring. I figured A-Train just couldn't fit. Vince crotches Undertaker, and it sends the chain to Lesnar. Lesnar nails Undertaker with the chain, covers, 2, 3. (24'15") I could've lived without the FBI and Vince, but I thought the match was good.

The show is over now.