1/4NWA-TNA 10.01.03
by Scott Christ
Hello, my friend, we meet again. It's been a week, where should we begin? Feels like forever.
--So here we are, LIVE! (on 10pm replay) for NWA-TNA on October 1, 2003, from the Asylum in Nashville, and I'm looking at the FBI warning screen for like two minutes, while I can hear the crowd milling about. Apparently this really took longer as they stalled. Now we go to our opening video package, which is accompanied by a note at the bottom of the screen which reads "Audio Difficulties." This is great. This video package centers on Raven, who doesn't have much hair anymore, and his war with Vampiro, Shane Douglas and the New Church. Tonight: the debut of Vampiro. Tonight: America's Most Wanted v. Kid Kash & Abyss. Tonight: Michael Shane v. Jerry Lynn for the X division title. And, most importantly, Tonight: Sonny Siaki & Ekmo v. Mad Mikey & Shark Boy. And there's the Dusty & Jarrett v. Russo & Styles tag match too, cool. Let's move it.
--Today, at 6:30 EDT, A.J. Styles and Vince Russo arrived at the building. From what I can gather with these Audio Difficulties, Russo says there might not be a match. Now here we are at the Asylum. There's a fat guy with awful hair and a terrible moustache who looooves Chris Sabin, and he's kinda dancing. I can hear Jeremy Borash at least. No commentary though.
--America's Most Wanted v. Kid Kash & Abyss: "K-I-D"
chant, then the heel section starts a pretty effective "kill the
cowboy" chant re: James Storm. You know, in case you don't know. Kash slaps
Abyss. The bell rang like a minute ago, let's go you turds. Storm and Abyss
start. I'm watching a house show. Storm avoids a couple of dangerous
collar-and-elbow tie-ups with his lighting-fast speed. Okay, the commentary is
here. They've just been talking so we join them in mid-discussion, which I guess
is nice. Kash tags himself in after nothing is accomplished. Drop toe-hold by
Kash, Storm off the ropes with a shoulderblock. Storm with some hiptosses and
armdrags, but then he's dumped to the floor. Back in quickly, up top, flying
crossbody gets two. Tag to Chris Harris. You know, for as awesome as AMW try to
be, sometimes they do something sort of embarrassing, like when Harris can't
kick high enough to do a superkick, or Storm can only lift one leg on a
leapfrog. Storm is back in, Kash tags Abyss. Don wonders why the heels didn't
start with Abyss, which they did, if you remember, which he doesn't. Gang, I
gotta tell you. Don West is kinda stupid. Harris, who is barely smaller than
Abyss, gets to pretend this is terribly intimidating. Abyss shoves him to the
corner off a lock-up, and then flexes. Abyss, honey, you don't have any muscles.
Harris comes back with some chops and some quickness and some corner pummelage.
AMW go to arm work, which seems to be the company philosophy on trying to work
with this guy. Kash in the ring and he's slapping Abyss. Abyss teases the
chokeslam for the 300th time, then turns back to Harris. Abyss with a flapjack,
more flexing. Kash tagged, Abyss flips him for a moonsault, then Abyss drops the
leg. Kash covers, two. Don says AMW are in a match they have never seen the
likes of. I guess. Kash up top, goes for a huracanrana, misses in ugly fashion,
then Harris gets the worst slingshot in the history of wrestling. Storm gets the
hot tag, he's in with Abyss. Storm is tearing the house down. All four men in
now, Abyss gets crotched up top. Why Abyss was going up top in the first place
may confuse you, but don't worry, it makes sense. Don freaks out because Kash
slams Harris. Kash climbs up top onto Abyss' shoulders and moonsaults off,
causing Mike and Don to both shit and piss their pants and die. Storm with a
terrible rana on Abyss. Harris spears Kash, Storm superkicks Abyss. Double-team
spear on Abyss, but Kash has a chair. Smashmouth (throwing the chair) connects,
Harris and Kash to the floor, Abyss hits the Black Hole (Rosey Move) for the win
at 11'22". Right here is where I switched to the A's and Red Sox to
see what the score was (Boston was up 1-0). Terry Taylor is out here now,
and trying to get the attention of Rudy Charles and let him know there
was a chair used. Taylor and Kash get into it, then Abyss comes in and Taylor
has rights for everyone. They quickly overwhelm him and take his shirt off
before AMW chase them off. The match was pretty okay.
1/4
--To ringside with Mike Tenay and Don West. Don's shirt/tie color of the week: gold, last seen on August 13. Mike's tuxedo of the week: tuxedo. One week ago tonight, the NWA DoA Erik Watts said Jeff Jarrett would get his NWA world title shot within 30 days, and the date is final now: October 22. Tonight, matches will happen. Oh good, the return of the Sandman tonight. In-ring debut of Vampiro, joined by Slash and Sinn, against 3 Live Kru tonight. Don Callis is here. At the end of tonight's show some people will be sorry. Tenay then dismisses him. What a dick!
--Scott Hudson is with Michael Shane. Shane says there are two differences between him and Shawn Michaels. Shawn never won an ultimate X match, and is not the X division champ. Seriously this guy is getting creepy.
--X-Factors: Lynn wins 5 way elim to get title shot; 40 year old Lynn's career at crossroads; ultimate experience v. youth matchup. Cool.
--Here's Not Lollipop dancing in her cage. There's a hole cut out of her shorts right over her vagina, so you're like, OH SHIT! I'M SO CLOSE TO SEEING SOME VAGINA! That's good marketing.
--X Division Title Match - Jerry Lynn (challenger, 212, Minneapolis, MN)
v. Michael Shane (champion, 219, San Antonio, TX): Before the match starts,
Jeremy Borash introduces AAA owner Antonio Pena. Lynn holds the ropes for
Pena and Shane attacks, causing the ropes to hit Pena in the head, which he
didn't seem to appreciate. They're really pushing that if Lynn doesn't win
tonight, there's no future for him. Out to the floor. Shane looks really off,
which on the second watching I know is because he just got over the flu, or
maybe that was their excuse, and he's on downers. What do I know? Shane is
working the advantage and Chris Sabin, with his Super X trophy, is on commentary
now. Sabin says next week he'll put his trophy on the line against the X title
next week, no matter who wins. Sabin takes a seat at ringside and watches the
match. More slow action, this is going nowhere fast. I'm not saying I need this
to be fast-fast-fast but this isn't working because they seem like they WANT to
be going fast but they can't. Lynn hits the TKO for two. Lynn sets for the
cradle piledriver, and Shane counters with...a thing. A minute or so later,
Shane is on the floor and Lynn gets a rana off the apron. Lynn bumps into Sabin,
who shoves him, and gets shoved back. Lynn drives Shane into the apron. Shane
in, Lynn up top, Sabin trips Lynn up. Shane hits the superkick - one, two, three
at 09'53" to retain. Nothing doing here but it wasn't bad.
--Backstage, Mad Mikey eats a booger and tells Shark Boy to tell 'em what they're thinking. Before he can talk, D'Lo Brown interrupts and says he has their back. Don Callis is here now with Redshirt Security. He tells D'Lo he has to leave after his match, which is next.
--Christopher Daniels (221, Los Angeles, CA, with the followers) v. D'Lo
Brown (268, Chicago, IL): D'Lo keeps having to wear a t-shirt with the
sleeves cut off over his singlet because he has to hide his luscious titties.
Why not just get a bigger singlet? Mike and Don get word that Jerry Lynn walked
out of the building in his gear, refusing an interview from Hudson. Basic trade
to start this match, D'Lo is established as being bigger. Don does a decent
hypejob here, saying they're both world title-caliber. Every now and then Don
makes you think he knows what he's doing. D'Lo staying on the advantage with a
leg lariat, two count. Hey what the shit, Don West is calling a good match here.
To the floor, D'Lo keeps control with a slam. Here come the stupid followers,
who just keep him away from Daniels. One of them shoves D'Lo in the back, D'Lo
floors him with a right while Daniels has recovered enough to follow it with a
crossbody from the top (to the floor). D'Lo turns it right back around with a
whip into and press slam onto the guardrail. D'Lo up top now, his dive misses
and he hits some chairs that are leaning on the rail. Back in, Daniels hits a
spear to work the ribs. "Fallen Angel" chant goes up. Some of the
crowd follows each chant with "sucks!" I think. D'Lo goes for a
moonsault, Daniels gets the knees up. Asai moonsault from Daniels, two count.
Daniels hooks an abdominal stretch, getting some strikes to the ribs while he's
at it. Don Callis (with pipe and Redshirt Security) is out on the
entranceway now. D'Lo gets a cradle for two, then hits a Buh Buh Cutter. Both
men down, the count is on. Brown coming back now, spinebuster bomb gets two.
D'Lo looks slow, but that's probably because he's fat. The followers trip D'Lo,
who gets a slingshot crossbody onto all of them. Hotshot on Daniels, D'Lo heads
up. Redshirt Security are distracting D'Lo, Daniels hits an armdrag off the top
and gets the Last Rites for the win at 07'56". Pretty good match,
Daniels should be doing so much more here.
--Backstage, Scott Hudson is with Erik Watts and Rick Santel. Santel separated his shoulder last week. Watts thinks Northcutt and Wilson "might be some thugs." No shit, genius. Watts suggests TNA pay some bills for Santel. Callis goes on and on with no health insurance for wrestlers, etc. This is an angle? Who the shit cares?
--Ringside, Mike and Don just can't believe it. Let's finish up Tenay's sitdown interview with Piper. I'm done transcribing Piper interviews, sorry. Piper adds onto the superhot health insurance program, and says it's not time for him to give up wrestling.
--Oh man. SO CLOSE with that hole. SO CLOSE to that hole.
--Backstage, Jeff Jarrett warms up. Backstage, A.J. Styles warms up.
--Sonny Siaki & Ekmo (with Trinity) v. Mad Mikey & Shark Boy: Mikey and Shark Boy start hot, and hit a double-team 619, the 1238. That's cute. These guys are cute. And they suck. Shark Boy gets the big wiggle, Mikey tries. If you haven't ever noticed, Ekmo is pretty fucking big. Shark Boy and Siaki start. You know, I'm gonna tell you something. I hate every single person in this match. Well I don't hate Trinity or Rudy Charles, if you want to count them. Ekmo gets the tag, Tenay goes over his bloodlines. Sharkbite on the ass. Tenay: "I never anticipated Shark Boy biting Ekmo on the butt." Ekmo with an assvalanche, two count, Mikey breaks it. Siaki with a crappy Vader Bomb on Shark Boy, two count. Why not do a moonsault and break his head, stupid. You're stupid, Sonny Siaki. Shark Boy with a reverse neckbreaker, he needs the tag. Because the hot tag to Mad Mikey is convincing. Tag to Mikey, no heat. Mikey is outsmarting everyone, swinging bulldog on Siaki, Ekmo misses a splash. The faces have it in control now. Stereo ten-punches and bites. Mikey to the floor, Shark Boy off the top, Ekmo catches him - double-team press slam/diamond cutter by Siaki and Ekmo. Ekmo hits a superfly splash (on the illegal man) and that's it at 04'40". Ekmo wants to splash both of them (Don: "SOMEONE'S GONNA GET KILLED!"), but here's D'Lo Brown. NO HEAT AT ALL. D'Lo cleans house (Mike: "Ekmo down BECAUSE OF the Brown!") on everyone, including Trinity. Callis and the Redshirts storm in, cuff D'Lo and throw him out. They also throw Chris Vaughn out while they're at it. This match was bad. DUD
Hey I think Don is being a heel commentator? These guys don't make any fucking sense.
--Here's a sitdown interview with Simon Diamond, Johnny Swinger, Glenn Gilberti and David Young. Simon does the talking, and he's looking like a bonerfide stud with that beard. Swinger isn't looking so much like a stud, but he has a lisp. Gilberti gets in a shot at "stereotypical 1980s wrestling managers" because this guy is cool and with the modern times, what with that backwards old man hat and those fucking rad sunglasses. Gilberti says Young is not part of the group, and Young wants to know what he has to do to get back in with these toughs. Gilberti was scheduled for a match with Sandman, but Young is going to be his replacement.
--Scott Hudson is with Jeff Jarrett and Dusty Rhodes. Dusty says "baggage" roughly 132 times. Dusty is also in his unda-wears and the dude's thighs are really a sight. Dusty talks this up and makes it seem like it matters. Everyone in this stupid company should take lessons from this sumbitch. Jarrett talks, I fart.
--In their lockerroom, Russo is really excited and says there will be no match. Then he goes to visit Jeff Jarrett.
--David Young (weightless, Atlanta, GA, with Glenn Gilberti) v. The
Sandman (244, Philadelphia, PA): A fat girl in an American flag bandana
thinks Sandman is the coolest thing she's ever seen. Young attacks on the
outside while Sandman is in his routine. Inside, Young goes up - flying
clothesline. Young goes for a moonsault, Sandman gets the knees up. Sandman with
a...somersault attack with Young in the corner, he lands on his head. Sandman
drapes him over the top rope, up top, flying legdrop. Sandman looks really happy
to be here. Sandman with slaps in front of various sections of the crowd, then
he springs off the chair with Air Sandman. Rolled back in, I think Sandman
actually hurt his hand. Young gets a cheapshot in, then floors him with a kick
to the chest. Overhead suplex into the turnbuckles, Sandman lands on his head
again. Sandman with lefts as Young goes up top, up top now - drunkensteiner!
Swanton bomb! Cover, two, three at 04'14". What the shit was that.
Sandman walks back, which is a sign something's gonna happen. And it does - Sandman is nailed with a chair and Gilberti, Diamond and Swinger make it to the ring. Gilberti raises Young's hand, but Simon hits Young with the chair. Here comes 3 Live Kru! Swinger bails because he's in no condition to fight, so the other two take the quick beating.
--Hudson is with Russo, who's pounding on Jarrett's door. Russo says Dusty doesn't care about him, and he's Jarrett's friend. Jarrett isn't buying it.
--Vampiro, Slash & Sinn (with James T. Reverend and Shane Douglas) v.
3 Live Kru: Oh shit Vampiro and Konnan. James T. Reverend takes the mic and
publicly thanks Shane Douglas for all he did in assisting Capt. Reverend's
mission to destroy Raven. Now they're moving on to phase two, which will be
"darker and more nefarious than anything you could conceive of in your
wildest nightmares." Douglas joins the commentary team. Konnan has the
Mexican flag draped on his back because he's fucking going to war. Killings
starts with Slash. Basic trade to start, Killings comes out on top. Douglas
makes it clear that he's ready to rise to the top of the mountain again. Tag to
Sinn, blind tag to Konnan, 3LK maintains the advantage. Konnan tries to put Sinn
in something, but Sinn isn't positioned right so Konnan gets mad at him. Rocking
horse pendulum by Konnan, he's working the mat and all the better for it.
Reverse DDT from Konnan...Vampiro tags in. Oh goodness. Rolling clothesline by
Konnan, Vampiro bails, Konnan tags James in. Yakuza kick from Vampiro, tag to
Sinn, Vampiro gets shots in on Killings and Konnan before leaving.
Backbreaker/flying legdrop combo from Sinn and Slash, Slash in with James now.
Sinn tagged back in, James is playing Ricky Morton. But who will play Robert
Gibson? There are options! Tag back to Slash. James with the pumphandle slam on
Slash, both me down. Tags to Killings and Vampiro. Vampiro has such wacky ass
body language. Killings taking out all three men, but now everybody's in. Lots
of crap going on. The legal men are in, everyone else is fighting outside.
Front-layout suplex by Killings, Mitchell is on the apron, and he tosses the
cane to Vampiro. Vampiro clotheslines Killings with the cane, Rudy Charles calls
for the bell at 06'59" for the DQ. Boy was this worthless. This was
the big hyped-up debut of Vampiro?
Raven is here! Raven takes everyone out (he's also wearing the chain noose as a symbol, what a guy). Douglas runs in, Raven takes him out too. Raven takes the mic, does his usual promo, gets chants, and leaves as a deity because these weirdo fans would probably sacrifice their young in his name. I like Raven and all, but I don't get it. Oh well, whatever works.
--Mike and Don go over next week's lineup. A rematch with Kash and Abyss against AMW with Terry Taylor as the referee, Chris Sabin puts the Super X trophy up against Michael Shane's super X title, Redshirt Security against Chris Vaughn and D'Lo Brown, and the main event is next.
--Vince Russo (weightless, Long Island, NY) & A.J. Styles (NWA World Heavyweight champion, 210, Gainesville, GA, with Trinity) v. Dusty Rhodes (fat, Austin, TX) & Jeff Jarrett (238, Hendersonville, TN): At least Dusty's wearing a shirt, although I'd kind of prefer he just go ahead and let it all hang out (except his penis) if he's going to go with trunks. Styles and Rhodes start it off, Dusty takes in some chants before they lock it up. Styles uses his quickness to show him up. Don calls Dusty "Rusty," then says he might be rusty. That may seem confusing, but it wasn't. Styles stalls by bailing to have a word with Russo and Trinity. Styles kicks low, kicks low, kick is blocked and he's shoved off. Bionic elbow! Tag to Jarrett, working the arm now. Jarrett holds the ropes on a dropkick attempt by Styles, then hits the strut, what a dork, I hate him. Styles uses Russo distracting Jarrett to turn the tide. Snap suplex by Styles. You know, you'd think if people wanted to see Styles and Jarrett go at it, they might be acting like they care about what's going on right now. Mike calls Russo a "chickenbleep." Styles goes for a springboard whatever, Jarrett steps back, release German suplex by suplex machine Jeff Jarrett. Tag to Dusty, vertical suplex? Flip flop n' fly, that makes more sense. Trinity on the apron, Russo tries to sneak up with the bat, which apparently is perfectly okay to have here, but Dusty backs him down. Russo tosses the bat to Styles, Styles clips him and whacks him a couple more times. Russo is in a Devils jersey, shoulderpads and a hockey helmet, by the way. He had a mouthpiece earlier. Russo tagged in now, and he's using a leather strap to hit him, which again, must just be okay because rules are passe. This match is ASSE. Hahaha. Can you feel me, Erik Watts? Erik Watts: "Yes. Or should I say. Ass." More kneework, blah blah blah. Jarrett finally gets the tag about nine years later, nails Russo off the apron, and catches Trinity off the top with a powerbomb. That's the second time she's been powerbombed tonight. Jarrett sets for the figure-four on Styles, but Russo is in. Russo in the figure-four now, he doesn't tap? I don't even know who's legal and I don't care. Out of the hold, Jarrett hits Russo in the knee with the bat, then nails Styles in the gut with it. The referee is like "ok by me!" Top-rope stroke on Styles, Jarrett focuses on Russo, Dusty in, drops the 'bow on Styles, three count at 09'33". So in TNA it's okay to just walk into a match and pin someone. That's nice to know. This was really bad. DUD
After the match, Dusty gets a title match against Styles next week, which Jarrett doesn't appreciate and they argue and almost fight. Then we're done, thank god. Shockingly, the worst show they've done in a while focuses on Jarrett and Russo at the top, which must come as a real surprise to someone's mom who is like, "Gosh! Didn't see that coming, huh?"
Next week, friends and lovers.
