NWA-TNA - 09/17/03
by Scott Christ

Hey, how's it going? I'd like to thank my main man James Kalyn for filling in for a couple weeks. Greatly appreciated.

Okay, so, last week, during the one-cent show, my friend and I decided that TNA is very 80s metal, what with all the lightning in their video packages and the fact that their arena is the Asylum. So now, TNA has The Bats. I imagine it goes something like this:

Don West: "OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST MATCH I'VE EVER SEEN, MIKE TENAY!"

Mike Tenay: "Yes!"

Don West: "WAIT A MINUTE! HEY! HEYHHHEY! SSSSSSSSSHIT!"

Mike Tenay: "THE BATS! THE BATS! ARE BACK AT THE ASYLUM!"

[the bats fly in]

The Bats: blroooo. blroooo.

Don West: "AHHH! THEY HAVE ME BY THE HAIR AND SHOULDERS, MIKE TENAY!"

Maybe you had to be there.

--Three weeks ago: Diamond and Swinger beat AMW for the NWA tag team title. Tonight, four teams compete to determine the new #1 contenders: America's Most Wanted, two of the three members of 3 Live Krew, The Disciples of the New Church, and Kid Kash & Abyss.

--Live on September 17, 2003 from the Asylum in Nashville.

--Tonight! Douglas and Raven, hair v. hair! Roddy Piper returns!

--Four-Way Match for #1 Contendership: Ron Killings & B.G. James (with Konnan) v. Kid Kash & Abyss v. The Disciples of the New Church v. America's Most Wanted: Before the match, B.G. James announces that next week, the 3 Live Krew's new single will drop. That's just what I want. Slash starts off with James Storm while Konnan joins the broadcast team. AMW with a quick tag and a little teamwork. Cover on Slash, Kash breaks the pin. This isn't elimination rules. Konnan is the best commentator in this company. Slash and Sinn get a double-team torture rack and drop on Chris Harris, two count. James in with Harris now - pumphandle slam is countered, superkick from Harris. Kash tags in, Konnan says "Wolfie D." Kash with the springboard somersault legdrop to the nuts all the way across the ring. Cover, in the ropes. James tags Killings, scissor kick from Killings. Killings is way over. Tag back to James, jumping sidekick from Killings. James with some stuff, Killings tagged back. Kash taunts Killings, then makes the tag to Abyss. Asylum chants for the Truth, wristlock on Abyss. Tag to James, wristlock, tag to Sinn, wristlock, tag to Slash, wristlock, tag to Storm, wristlock, tag to Harris, wristlock, tag to James, wristlock, tag to Killings, wristlock. Very cute. Kash slaps Abyss twice from the apron, and Abyss takes everyone out. James gets the funky punches, chokeslam attempt ducked, AMW with a double-team spear on Abyss. Harris backdrops Storm over to Abyss, caught, jumps, misses, but everyone falls down anyway. Kash holds Killings in a double-underhook for about three years while they wait for Terry Taylor to run in, and he does, low-blows Kash, and Killings gets a front suplex for the pin at 07'17". This was okay.

--To ringside with Mike Tenay and Don West. Don's shirt/tie color for the week: red. RED LIKE THE BLOOD FROM THE FANGS OF THE BATS. THE BATS! Tonight, a six-man X division match, Diamond and Swinger are in action, D'Lo and Sonny Siaki in a casket match, Styles and Lynn for the NWA title, Douglas and Raven for hair. The lights go out.

--BAGPIPES. There's a stool in the ring - Rowdy Roddy Piper is here. Meltzer said that someone should transcribe this, so I'll try. The lights stay dimmed so that this can be all dramatic-like. "Thank you. Thank you. Heard any good Roddy Piper jokes lately? I know what they're sayin' about me. I know, from the -- you guys know, the interviews, all the stuff. They say I'm crazy! Haha. I'm not crazy, I'm just...a little unwell. And I know right now you can't tell that. But you stick around awhile, and you're gonna see a different side of me, man. If you can take one heap of all your winnings, and risk it on one game of pitch-and-toss, and lose, and start again from your beginnings, and never breathe a word about your loss...this is as real as it gets! You wanted reality, you got reality! [pause and sit for about 15 seconds] All my life in my career, I've always clouded the line in wrestling between fantasy and reality for you. I am as real as it gets. I have fought, I have given a hip, I have fought in the NWA started. I was in the NWA in Los Angeles. I was in the NWA in Portland, Oregon! I was in the NWA, Charlotte, North Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, New York, New York, London, Paris, Africa...damn it! And I am guilty! I am guilty for makin' more damn mistakes than everybody in this building, but I won't back down. I stand beside everything I say. And I pay the consequences. I saw the thing on the internet, as you did. The only difference is...when I came home...I have four children. My little boy, who got it from his friend, he comes to me and he says, he says, 'Daddy, are you a drug addict?' And he's got...son of a bitch, man. He's got this tear in his eye. Do you know how hard I work for my family, man, do you know how proud I am of my family? [throws the stool out of the ring] I didn't come here to be a nice guy! Not tonight. I was an orphan picked up by the NWA, I was taught by 100 fathers, all these different ways. I was taught honor, I was taught morals, I grew up with the NWA, and I made Wrestlemania! And because of some dumbass shit promoter put me on the internet, for my family to see a bunch of garbage, I don't understand! Other than you're a jerk! What happens, what happens to some guy, that finally goes and takes a stand, and kicks and gets fired, and kicks and gets fired, and kicks and, you know what, man, all the doors close. You people that have children, what happens with your children when they leave, somethin' goes wrong, you know what happens, man? I come home. I come home to the NWA, it's a rocketship gettin' ready to take off, man! And I wanna be part of it!" The lights are back up and Vince Russo is here. Piper: "I'm gonna tell you somethin' real simple, now, 'cause this is as real as it gets. I'm not playin' any games with you. Last time I made another mistake. I had you in this corner here, son, and I didn't break your neck or kick the dog outta ya, and that was my mistake. But I can tell you right now, it would do me therapeutic, a wonderful thing, if you just come in here now, 'cause I would love to kick your ass. Just because your name is Vincent! Don't play the game!" Russo: "I'm not here to play a game. Because that's how we solve everything in the wrestling world, isn't it? I'll come in there and you'll kick my ass. I'm not here to fight, Piper! I'm here to talk to you about what happened the last time you and I became face-to-face. You looked me in the eye, and you ripped my heart out, bringing up something that you knew nothing about, and you know damn well what I'm talking about!" Russo chants. "You are here tonight, because you burned every bridge, you closed every door, and nobody wants you! And you know what, I don't give a shit about your four children, I hope they starve to death, because I don't want you here, either! You wanna jump on the bandwagon, the NWA-TNA bandwagon, I've created? A year-and-a-half, my blood, sweat and tears, you think you're gonna walk in here and welcome you with open arms? No, because I don't want you here. And that is why TNA has a decision to make. TONIGHT. I'm not waitin' tomorrow, I'm not waitin' next week, 'cause Roddy, it's either you or me that's gonna stay here. But I'll also tell you this, and Callis, I know you're listening in the back. If I go, so does the NWA champion, AJ Styles. You know what, Piper? I think you need to ask yourself a question. Do you really give a damn about the NWA? Do you really give a damn about any one of those guys in the back, whereas if this company shuts down, they've got no place to go? Do you really care about them, Roddy? Or is it all about Roddy Piper? Is this another selfish act, would you see the NWA cripple so you have a job? You need to think about that." Russo leaves, that's it.

--D'Lo Brown-Sonny Siaki video package.

--Casket Match - Sonny Siaki (weightless, The Isle of Samoa, with Trinity) v. D'Lo Brown (268, Chicago, IL): The casket is set up in the ring because they couldn't afford a cart. D'Lo jumps on Siaki right away, and slams the casket doors on Siaki's back. D'Lo closes the casket and sets it up in the corner. Don West has never seen this before, but I bet he's never seen most things before. Such as that punch D'Lo just executed. Whip into the casket by D'Lo. D'Lo charges, Siaki with a flapjack on the casket. Look at the dent!!! (It was there before.) Siaki throws the casket on D'Lo. And again. Don: "They're just PUTTIN' the casket on top of 'im!" Siaki throws all the padding and shit out of the casket, but D'Lo is up. Backdrop, clothesline, clothesline. This has no heat. Whip reversed, D'Lo into the casket. Trinity holds D'Lo in the corner and Siaki drops the casket on his back. Again. Right hands. Sky-Hi on the casket! D'Lo up top - Lo Down! He even hit his ARMS on him. WOW. D'Lo tries to finish it, but here's Jamal of Three Minute Warning! Jamal does a number on D'Lo (his shirt says Ekmo which I assume means he'll be going back to that name) and hits a superfly splash. Jamal throws D'Lo in the casket, Siaki closes it, it's over at 05'21". I hate casket matches and I hate Sonny Siaki and I hate Jamal. Damn their eyes. 1/2

--Backstage, Scott Hudson is with Don Callis. Callis is upset that Lynn gets a title shot tonight. Callis takes a small shot at Erik Watts, and then addresses Piper. Here's Erik Watts. "Erik Watts, good to see ya, buddy!" Callis is great. Watts says the Styles-Lynn match is happening, then offers some papers to prove it, and pulls out a middle finger. Ho ho ho. Russo is here, and he wants to talk to Callis. Watts is amused by himself, Hudson not so much.

--Michael Shane, Chris Sabin & Nosawa v. Juventud Guerrera, Frankie Kazarian & Eric Young: Young is Canadian and looks like he wants to be Chris Jericho. Guerrera and Shane start it off. Guerrera with three straight chops. Don West brings up that HE has noticed since Shane won the belt, he's been so cocky and arrogant. Tenay wonders, could it be confidence? West isn't sure. But they agree something has changed. These guys don't miss a goddamn thing, let me tell you. Tag to crappy Nosawa. Tag to Eric Young. Boy these guys sure are doing a bunch of useless running around. Nosawa with a seated dropkick. Tag to Sabin. Young with some kicks and crap, apparently he had a feud with Sabin 'round my parts. In my pants. Tag to Kazarian, who hits a Hogan legdrop at the same time Young hits a Warrior splash. These guys are dorks. They do some stuff. Shane tagged in. Really slow sequence leads to a super swinging neckbreaker by Shane. Kazarian tries to get the tag but the heels aren't having it. Sabin was tagged in at some point. Triple-team powerbomb attempt goes sour. Heeeeeeeeeeeere come the crappy lucha spots. Kazarian gets the tag to Juvi, he comes in with a springboard crossbody on Shane and Nosawa. Nosawa just stands there waiting for Juvi to get moving. Double bulldog. Powerbomb reversed into a DDT on Sabin. They all jump over the top onto everyone in succession, ending with Sabin hitting by far the best move of the six with a springboard somersault onto everyone. Juvi and Sabin inside - Juvi Driver! Juventud up top for the 450, but Shane trips him up. Sabin has Juvi now, cradle shock! Two count. Kazarian in - Wave of the Future! Shane's superkick misses, Kazarian's misses, Shane with a cradle implant DDT. Juvi trips Shane. Goddamn this sucks. Nosawa and Young in - Shining Wizard by Nosawa. FINIIIISH! I like Nosawa now. Superkick blocked, Young with a wheelbarrow neckbreaker that doesn't quite hit. Sabin nails Young with the belt, Shane sneaks in for the pin at 09'12". Outside, Frankie Kazarian is talking to a young woman that bears a resemblance to Chastity. Uh. So. Who cares.

--Here's a Jarrett-Daniels video package.

--Apparently, Christopher Daniels has three followers now. Apparently, he's been trying to recruit followers. Who knew? Anyway, this seems like something to have three guys for Jeff Jarrett to beat the shit out of later.

--Here's Jeff Jarrett out for a promo. He has three points to make. Point #1: Erik Watts, where's his title shot? He says "Vince Russu." He wants a shot. Point #2: TNA officials, you've got a decision to make. Jarrett wants to keep Piper. Point #3: Chris Daniels, you wanna play a deadly game (IT'S A DEADLY GAME! DEADLY GAME!) of hide-and-seek? Ok. He's the hunter, though! That's it.

--Backstage, Scott Hudson is with Mad Mikey and Shark Boy. Shark Boy is playing with some inflatable robot. Mikey makes an inflatable dolls joke, then throws a fit. If Mikey was half as entertaining as he assumes he is the world would be made of oranges.

--Non-Title Match - Simon Diamond & Johnny Swinger (NWA tag team champions, with Glenn Gilberti) v. Mad Mikey & Shark Boy: Mikey and Swinger start, Mikey gets the "pre-school" on Swinger which is the old school except on the bottom rope. Shark Boy in now. Shark Boy with a crappy huracanrana, Don West thinks it's hilarious. Shark Boy does the big wiggle before a double-team elbowdrop, Mikey gets two. Diamond with a really loud superkick, two count. The champs are controlling the match while we get a screen inside the screen of Jeff Jarrett walking outside. Shark Boy in, does his Shark Boy stuff. Reverse neckbreaker, two count. Shark Boy wants to get the big wiggle in, but Diamond hits a mule kick. Shark Boy gets the Dead Sea Drop (Diamond Dust) and Gilberti puts the foot on the ropes. Mikey is after Gilberti now, leaving Shark Boy open for the Problem Solver. Three count at 04'52". This stunk pretty bad. 1/2

--Backstage, Jeff Jarrett is beating up those three guys. What do you know. Jarrett and the most athletic looking one brawl up some stairs and Jarrett throws him off through a table.

--Back to ringside. They talk. Here's a Lynn-Styles video package.

--NWA World Heavyweight Championship Match - Jerry Lynn (challenger, 212, Minneapolis, MN) v. AJ Styles (champion, 210, Gainesville, GA, with Trinity): Shoves, Styles chops, Lynn slaps. In the first-ever TNA match, Lynn and Styles were tag partners. Trade of hammerlocks, Styles with a snapmare. Lynn goes for one, Styles flips out. Lynn flips Styles from a caught kick, running clothesline. In their last singles match, Lynn beat Styles. This is a pretty good backstory built around wrestling matches. Monkey flip by Lynn, Styles charges, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Lynn, two count. Standing switch, Styles goes for the springboard reverse DDT, Lynn counters with a hotshot. Springboard dropkick sends Styles flying off the apron. Styles takes advantage on the floor, he gets a slingshot into the steps. Styles breaks the count, hammering with rights and Lynn is bleeding pretty badly. Lynn fighting back now, Styles with a running elbow that floors him. Don: "Blood or no blood, we've seen him come back from near DEATH!" The bats then fly in and take him away. Lynn blocks a tornado DDT with a release northern lights suplex into the turnbuckles. High backdrop, swinging neckbreaker, off the ropes, TKO! Cover, two, no. Lynn's hair is drenched in blood. Styles from the apron, goes for a rana, Lynn with a running powerbomb pin, two count! Goodness. Lynn goes for the cradle piledriver, but Trinity shoves Rudy Charles and he bumps into Lynn. Styles coming back - brainbuster and a beauty. Cover, two. Trinity has put a chair in the ring now. Styles goes for the Styles Clash, Lynn counters with the emerald fusion! Two count. Trinity is arguing with Rudy Charles - Styles has the chair, Lynn stops him. Styles with a low blow. Reverse neckbreaker on the chair, two count! Styles Clash! Cover, two, three and Styles retains at 09'03". A little short but a good match with a clean ending. I'll take it. 1/4

Russo is out now, congratulates AJ. Russo wants an answer right now from Don Callis. Instead, he gets Dusty Rhodes. Rhodes cuts a really good promo on Russo, trying to convince Styles that Russo is doing nothing but taking his money. It's one of the better promos I've heard in a good long while. Of course, Styles just beats up Dusty after teasing a face turn. Here's Piper! Redshirt Security holds him off, but Jarrett makes the save after they're gone.

--Next week: 3 Live Krew faces Diamond and Swinger for the tag team title, Kid Kash takes on Terry Taylor. WAIT HOLD ON DON! SOMETHING'S GOING ON IN THE BACK! Callis throws Piper out, that's the decision. Here's Jarrett. Jarrett wants to attack Callis. Uh. Okay that's over.

--Raven-Douglas video package.

--Here's Shane Douglas with James T. Reverend. James T. Reverend's great plan is that Raven can't be a messiah if his lackeys don't respect him, and how can they respect them if they laugh at his bald head? And, it's like, how smart. How smart is that? Seriously. It's like, hahaha! That guy is bald! Fuck, man, I never even thought of that.

--Hair v. Hair Match - Shane Douglas (258, Pittsburgh, PA, with James T. Reverend) v. Raven (244, The Bowery): Here we go. Stall to start so Douglas can yell at people in the crowd. Tenay brings up Destroyer-Gorgeous George, Konnan-Jake Roberts and Piper-Adonis as famous hair matches. Two minutes in and nothing has happened. Raven with some rights, Douglas bails, Douglas back in, Raven stalls. Hard right by Raven, Douglas goes down. Tenay says that next week, it'll be Jeff Jarrett and Don Callis in a "one-on-one showdown in the ring." Outside, slow brawling. Into the crowd, slow brawling. Chairshot from Raven. Positions the chair on the face, drops the leg. Raven gives a chair to two fans, and whips Douglas into them. Garbage can shot. Raven is soaking up the love. More fan chair participation. Over the guardrail, back into the ring. Left jabs, whip reversed, clothesline ducked, Raven has the cobra clutch. Tenay says he talked to Raven and he had called Mark Lewin to perfect the cobra clutch. Hold is "broken," Raven goes for the DDT, Douglas bails. Raven charges, drop-toehold sends Raven to the floor. More slow ass brawling on the floor. Douglas has bladed. Drop-toehold into the steps. Raven is fully in control. Douglas keeps his head about a foot away from the steps on a slam. Over to the table, Douglas blocks, low blow. Don West stumbles over some words. Douglas in control now, slamming Raven into the steps. Raven is busted open now. Frankie Kazarian's ladyfriend seems entirely uninterested. Back inside, Douglas with the Hennig necksnap and some yelling. Abdominal stretch from Douglas, Raven reverses back into the cobra clutch. Back to the abdominal stretch. Raven with a hiptoss. Douglas again goes for the abdominal stretch, but Raven won't go. Douglas hiptosses Raven over the top to the floor. Back in, Douglas is holding a knee over the throat. They stand up and DOUGLAS PUKES. Hahahaha. Raven with low blows, Douglas lays down and BARFS SOME MORE. Ahahahahahaha. Don West: "Whoa." Best call ever. He barfed. Douglas has the steel chain now, hard right hand, cover, TWO! Whip reversed, drop-toehold into the chair, two count. This match has really picked up post-barf. Raven with a superkick! Cover, two count as Slash pulls the referee out. Running bulldog, everyone falls down, including the referee, who ROLLS IN THE BARF. Here's Sinn. Superkick from Sinn, and now Slash and Sinn put two tables in the ring. C.M. Punk and Julio Dinero are in now. Crappy brawling and those guys are gone. Douglas is setting up one of the tables. Raven Effect! Cover, two, NO! Raven going for something from the top, Douglas throws him off through the table, two count! Douglas sets up the second table now. Douglas lays Raven on the table and heads up top. Raven's up - Raven Effect through the table! Cover, two, LIGHTS OUT! Oh man it's The Mystery Man - it's VAMPIRO. Vampiro DDTs Raven, Douglas covers, three count at 17'00". Boy, this was something else. 1/2 James T. Reverend shaves Raven's head VERY HARD and cuts him all up on the head. Don West is so upset that he throws down his headset and leaves. Tenay: "THIS SUCKS!" No shit.

And that's it

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