NWA-TNA - 08/13/03
by Scott Christ


Fear not, I have not abandoned TNA again. It just so happens that iNDemand PPV is terrible and that I have to call this shit in now and then just hope it works. Last week it didn't, this week it did. I actually really wanted to see this show. I figured I'd get two, maybe three, good matches, and three, maybe four, entertaining ones. Ho ho ho. Oh me.

--Live on August 13, 2003 from the TNA Asylum.

--INTRO XPLOSION!!!

--Tonight! Months in the making, years of anticipation - Raven v. "The Franchise" Shane Douglas! And - "The Dream" is back, "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes!

--Devon Storm, Vampire Warrior & Sinn v. Konnan, Ron Killings & B.G. James: It's funny to think Killings used to be an actual wrestler in this promotion and now he's dancing with Konnan and the fucking Road Dogg. Konnan wants to know where his dogs are at, then says it's for all the ladies that know how to drop it like it's hot, then urges them to say "hey-ay!" Wow. Konnan starts with Storm, who is Crowbar if you're incredibly stupid. Furthermore, Vampire Warrior is Gangrel. Konnan "takes" an elbow. Storm skins the cat, but comes back into an x-factor. Konnan tries to float over, which doesn't work, and he gets a headscissors. Tag to James, who doesn't look incredibly dated, lame or poor. No I'm joking, he looks like all three. James gets nailed from behind by Sinn, but beats up him and Warrior. Storm with a northern lights suplex for two. Storm takes down Konnan and Killings in the corner. Sinn in illegally, gets backdropped into a moonsault by Storm. Storm hits a springboard moonsault, Warrior follows with an AMAZING running elbowdrop. Two count, Sinn tagged in, he's from Toronto and trained where guys like Edge, Christian, Johnny Swinger and Legend came from, apparently. Mike maybe should've mentioned THEIR two wrestlers first, but I doubt anyone but me thought of that so whatever. But then, I also doubt anyone but me ordered this. (Because it's bad.) James and Warrior in, and it's sort of like I'm watching the WWF in 1998, if they were both didn't have any money. Killings gets the hot tag, forearm to Sinn, axe kick to Warrior. Storm in, hard chop. Whipped to the corner, kicks up, Konnan in with a clothesline on Storm. Pin by Killings, Warrior breaks it at two. James takes Gangrel down, and he and Konnan hold Vampire Warrior's legs open so that Ron Killings can place his face there. Storm goes for a springboard moonsault bodyblock, but he's caught by James and Killings, Konnan with an alleged dropkick, pin broken by Storm. Ok, listen. What's the referee doing. Konnan rubs Sinn's face in his crotch. James with a pumphandle slam for the win at 05'19". Look I wasn't expecting great or even good wrestling, but this was pretty bad. DUD

--Let's go to the commentary table! Here are The Professor Mike Tenay and Don West. West's shiny shirt/tie color of the week: gold. Tenay's outfit of the week: tuxedo. West runs down our card for tonight and Tenay nods approvingly.

--Here are clips from last week when, in the cage, Russo bashed D'Lo Brown's ribs in with a bat after the match. Then Jeff Jarrett came in and beat everyone up with a chair, because he is a really effective babyface and all. And don't forget his ICP metal, because if anything, Jeff is a juggalo.

--Erik Watts, Director of Authority is in the ring, talking. To make a really long and boring and unfunny story short, Watts relates things about kindergarten, David Segui-ing into stuff about his dad teaching him how to fight, and then Vince Russo and A.J. Styles make their way out. Russo says those two are going on vacation, Jarrett will never get another title shot, etc. Watts says they can leave, but Styles will forfeit the title, or Styles defends tonight against Low Ki. Styles comes back as the two heels go to leave, and then Low Ki is in. Now Legend is in. So Erik Watts, of course, cleans house. Since you need to put your "director of authority" in positions to beat up your champion and all. Now Jeff Jarrett is in and he cleans house. They mentioned Sting in here so I'd assume Sting will be back to challenge Styles.

--Backstage, Scott Hudson is with Simon Diamond, Johnny Swinger and Glenn Gilberti. He calls them The Apple Dumpling Gang which is amusing. Gilberti says they won't be a bunch of morons like Tully, Arn and J.J. were, letting Dusty line them up and drop elbows. Swinger proves why he should never talk. Simon does a passable Dusty impersonation.

--Sexy cage dancing!

--Elix Skipper (229) v. Jerry Lynn (no entrance): Lynn jumps Skipper on the ramp to get us started, struggling to get his coat off and then stomping away. Last week, Lynn was suspended by Don Callis for violence two weeks ago. Do you think Jerry Lynn ever gets tired of playing the same underappreciated character? If he was that unappreciated, wouldn't someone have taken note by now? Lynn keeps stomping away while Tenay and West discuss who the pound-for-pound best wrestler is. Lynn dumped to the floor, Skipper misses a standing moonsault from the apron, but lands on his feet. Skipper grabs the scale, but Lynn catches him with a dropkick to the knees and he just kind of loses it by throwing it in the ring. Lynn does more stuff, such as stomping. Lynn is FIRED UP, and Don West is REALLY EXCITED. Skipper fights back, and gets a double springboard moonsault for two. Don West may have shit his pants. Lynn crotched in the middle of the ropes, and "goes for" the New School (ropewalk huracanrana), but "misses" and crotches himself. With Skipper on the rope, Lynn hits a double-arm DDT for...the win at 03'59". Lynn has now won three straight over Skipper in this incredible feud. Skipper beats him up after the match, but misses either a senton splash or a flying legdrop, then Lynn hits him with the scale and gets a crossface. The referees get Lynn out of there, and Callis is on the ramp taking notes. This stunk. 1/2

--Scott Hudson is backstage with Chris Sabin. Erik Watts mandated that Sabin is still the X division champion, but next up is a ladder match for #1 contendership. Sabin doesn't really care much.

--Cage dancing!!!!

--Ladder Match for X Division #1 Contendership - Frankie Kazarian (223, Anaheim, CA) v. Michael Shane (219, San Antonio, TX): Kazarian with a shoulderblock, followed with a clothesline, and out he goes for the ladder, which is at the top of the entrance ramp. On his way back - Shane flies over with a somersault dive, which gets very little reaction. He jumped right on the damn ladder and no one cared. Shane inside, looking for the climb, but doesn't get it. Tenay lets us know that Shane has never had a ladder match, but Kazarian has had four, including one in Trinidad. Ladder standing against the ropes, Shane rams Kazarian's head into it repeatedly. Kazarian fights back with a couple ladder shots. Ladder in the corner, ladder out of the corner. Ladder shot from Kazarian as Don West goes ON and ON about Frankie beating Chris Sabin three times, OR AT LEAST A LOTTA PEOPLE SAY THAT! Kazarian positions the ladder near the corner, gets a scoop slam on Shane. Now he...repositions the ladder because he forgot this other thing he wanted to do. Shane charges and gets backdropped onto the ladder leaning in the corner. Now Kazarian gets the ladder back like it was before, and hits the Jeff Hardy leapfrog legdrop over it. Kazarian climbing, he's close, but instead he takes a swinging neckbreaker from the ladder. Both men climbing now, trading rights up top. Kazarian wins the fight, and hits a sunset flip into a powerbomb that Tenay freaks out about, but it looked bad and not good. Kazarian up top, he's gonna win it! But instead Chris Sabin runs in and pushes the ladder over, sending Kazarian flying to the floor. Shane back in now, and Mike and Don are quite sure that Sabin is hand-picking Shane to be his opponent. Shane climbing, Sabin hits a springboard dropkick on the ladder, which sends Shane tumbling. Sabin climbs the ladder and grabs the contract, and the referee calls the match at 08'10", ruling it a no-contest. People boo because this sucks dick. If you just wanted to have a fucking three-way you could just have a fucking three-way, you didn't need to disappoint everyone with a match that had no point. Don Callis is back out, grabbing the contract and the X Division belt. Sabin does a number on Kazarian and Shane as referees try to stop him from doing said number. 1/2

--Mad Mikey video package. Mad Mikey is taking a shit. Mad Mikey is mad at Ben Affleck. Mad Mikey doesn't want people to see him wiping his ass with the National Enquirer, so he beats up the video guy in the truck and throws the tape and a fit. Ugh.

--Scott Hudson is with Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett says it's not about titles anymore (he can't get any), but then he says he will? Good job, dude. Jarrett has known Russo longer and better than anyone, and he'll exploit his weakness. BUT WHAT IS THAT??? I wonder as much as Hudson.

--The fat one blew a kiss at me.

--"The K-I-D"?

--Kid Kash (215, Johnson City, TN) v. Bobby Eaton (he's a mysterious man): Eaton uses the old Midnight Express music which is nice. Kash takes the mic, and this is sure to be great. Kash calls Eaton a caveman twice and makes a fat joke re: Dusty Rhodes, makes a mullet joke re: Ricky Morton, and a Larryland joke re: Larry Zbyszko. Now he goes for a gay joke re: Bobby Eaton! A really unfunny one! This is great! Kash gets done and then jumps Eaton from behind before the bell, hammering and biting. This sucks already. Dropkick to a grounded Eaton, then Kash grabs a chair and throws it at him. Don West notes that that IS a lack of respect. Kash does some more stuff, Eaton can't do anything because he's old and sucks. Eaton rammed into the post outside. Back in, Kash still in control. Kash gets the claw on. Eaton fights away quickly. Eaton throws some rights, but man, those aren't the Bobby Eaton right hands that countered the dangerous left of Arn Anderson. Eaton gets a two-count. He gets another. Abyss is out on the apron, and Eaton gets some lame rights on him, allowing Kash to roll him up for the three at 03'35". This is such an awful angle. You get terrible matches that do nothing for Kash because he can't even beat these shitty old men. -

--Backstage, Scott Hudson finds Legend beating up Erik Watts and going "Show me what you got. Show me what you got. Show me what you got. Huh. Tough guy. Show me what you got." That's great. He puts a chair against his back and then kicks it, rather than just hitting him with a chair.

--Back to ringside with Mike and Don, discussing the recent loyal, caring Raven. Tenay suggests we go to a video package to trace the history of Raven and Shane Douglas, which apparently began on June 11, 2003.

--Backstage, Scott Hudson is in a red-tinted room with candles and Raven. Raven is a man of few words and isn't talking, which makes a lot of sense. Raven does talk though, making even more sense. He plans to grind the mummy man to rubble underneath his chariot of wrath, and then renovate Shane Douglas' internal organs. Works for me.

--Shane Douglas (258, Pittsburgh, PA) v. Raven (mystery weight, The Bowrey): Douglas bails before Raven gets to him. Douglas is chunky but not really in bad shape. He's just chunkier Shane Douglas. The match starts with Shane tripping him from the floor and driving Raven's crotch into the post. Remember, the Disciples of the New Church and the Gathering are barred from ringside. Raven fights back with rights, but gets taken down with a drop toe-hold that I believe was meant to send Raven into the steps, but it didn't quite work out that way. Douglas is arguing with fans at ringside and clawing at Raven's head. Raven has already bladed because he doesn't have anything better to do. Now a woman with boobs is yelling at Shane. Raven with rights, Shane with a poke to the eye. The lady at ringside shakes her breasts at Douglas? Tennessee, I guess. Douglas slams Raven's head into the broadcast table and screams at Mike and Don, including the word "fucking" while pounding on his chest. There's a very short black man in the crowd who is quite probably a midget. Tennessee, I guess. Boobs lady is really, really mad at Shane Douglas. "Let's go Raven!" chants. Douglas gets a chair, then comes back in to kick Raven. Chair set up in a seated position, and Douglas uses the drop toe-hold into the chair on Raven. Tenay is screaming at Shane Douglas, who screams back to "give (him) his fucking dues," and Tenay counters with, "You earn your dues!" Low blow from Raven. This is REALLY BAD. That's the problem with it. The crowd is alive and all but this is so bad. Raven wedges a chair in the corner, but Douglas reverses the whip. So Raven is getting his ass kicked and doing nothing about it, which is par for the course for Raven these days. Douglas says fuck some more at some people in the crowd. Douglas tells the camera, "Raven that's your blood!" Why don't you just tell Raven, dude, he's right there. Back for another crotch-into-post spot, but it's allegedly reversed by Raven, sending Douglas into the post. That was so poorly timed. Douglas pokes Raven in the eye and we're back in the ring. Douglas gets the figure-four on. Shoulders down, two count. Douglas using the ropes, and Rudy Charles SEES HIM DOING IT, but instead of making him BREAK THE HOLD, he just allows him to LET GO. Raven turns it over, DOUGLAS EMPHATICALLY TAPS OUT, but then grabs the ropes. I mean, I get that he wasn't really tapping, but these are things you need to work on. Raven coming back four clotheslines and he's on fire. Five. These are pretty terrible. And here we go - Raven setting up for something or other, perhaps a sixth clothesline, and Douglas entirely screws it up, and everyone boos, and people start sitting down, and the crowd dies. How pathetic. Douglas sets for the belly-to-belly, but Raven reverses into his own, much better belly-to-belly suplex. Father James Mitchell is on top of the ramp with a bodybag. Raven sets for the evenflow, but Mitchell gets his attention. Mitchell says Alexis has 15 seconds of oxygen left. Raven tries to leave, Douglas goes for a suplex, and Raven reverses into a small package at 10'51". Raven can't find the zipper, but then does, and it's the mummy man and now there's a blackout. This is...so terrible. The match was really, really bad but most of the time the crowd was hot which saved it from being truly horrible. Douglas wants to cut Raven's hair, but referees stop him. I don't get it, maybe the mummy is Brutus Beefcake. 1/2

--Here are clips of Sonny Siaki beating up D'Lo Brown. Now we go to...okay, get this. Sonny Siaki. Under a sheet. With a flashlight. Under his face. Delivering a very serious promo. Whose idea. Was that.

--I can't even get a boner from this girl anymore.

--Hudson is with Callis BLAHH BLAHH BLAHH. The Lynn situation will be dealt with soon. Since Watts is incapacitated, Callis gets to make the decision about the X Division fooferaw. Callis' decision is to put Sabin, Shane and Kazarian in an Ultimate X match - which means they're putting four poles on the ring, running cable from them, and putting the belt in the middle. They apparently don't get to use the ladder to get the belt, they have to go across the cables. This sounds like a great idea, for someone more qualified than TNA to attempt to execute.

--Mike and Don, but especially Don, are excited about the idea of Ultimate X.

--Clips of the AMW-Swinger/Diamond/Gilberti feud which now involves Dusty Rhodes.

--Close-up of Dusty Rhodes' face -> HOT ASS, they never think about anything here.

--Glenn Gilberti, Simon Diamond & Johnny Swinger v. America's Most Wanted & Dusty Rhodes: Dusty chases all three of them out of the ring. We're underway. Officially, anyway. Storm gets a plancha on Diamond and Swinger, followed by Harris who gets his own. Or maybe it was the other way around. I don't know. They're doing shit and I'm not even typing because this is the Disco Inferno, an ECW schlub and a WCW Saturday Night schlub against Dusty Rhodes and the bulked up Hardy Boyz. Dusty wants Disco, who tags out to Diamond. Tenay says that's the matchup we've been waiting for and God, is he right or what. I have been waiting SO LONG to finally see Dusty Rhodes get some of Disco Inferno. Diamond does his Dusty impression and takes an elbow to the elbow (yes), tag to Storm with a spinning headscissors. Swinger and Gilberti stop Storm as he hits the ropes, and Diamond and Swinger get a double-team side suplex/reverse DDT combo. Tag to Gilberti. With Storm on the apron and firing back on Gilberti, the stupid heels just stand there and go, "Gosh! No! Stop!" instead of hitting him or something. He was just standing there doing stuff. Simon in, two vertical suplexes, third blocked, superkick from Simon for two. Storm with a terrible superkick. He goes for another one, and it's worse. Perhaps if one can't lift one's leg high enough to do a fucking superkick, one shouldn't TRY twice. Enzuigiri from Storm, tag to Dusty, but the ref missed it. Tenay just said "hot tag" because he's a nerd. Storm makes the comeback, and he's crawling to the corner. Disco gets there, but it's not enough. Tag to Dusty, who is in with Gilberti. Who isn't legal. Flip flop n' fly on Gilberti, who apparently has a watermelon head. Dusty has the bullrope, cowbell shot. Cover, two, three at 08'39". This was bad. After the match, Legend and Christopher Daniels hit the ring and beat up the faces. All heels need to be put with Russo!!!!!!! Here's Erik Watts and Jeff Jarrett, the awesomest team ever, to kill everyone. Watts announces AMW v. Simon & Swinger in a double bullrope match, and himself and Jarrett against Legend and Daniels. This sucks. Oh the match.

--Back to Mike and Don and his droopy penis nose! Don says next week we will have a "double bullrap moatch."

--Here's a look at your great babyface, Jeff Jarrett, doing lots of heel things.

--Scott Hudson is with Low Ki. Low Ki's voice is not what I expected, as it is very deep and he doesn't really seem like a human being. He might should consider a mask. He just says warrior stuff about the war that will come.

--Two words: engorged cock.

--NWA World Heavyweight Title Match - Low Ki (challenger, 205, Brooklyn, NY) v. A.J. Styles (champion, 210, Gainesville, FL, with Vince Russo): Circle around to start, tie-up goes nowhere. Russo joins the broadcast team briefly and talks about stuff re: himself. Styles stays slow and on the advantage before Low Ki kicks him away. Low Ki stays down on the mat, challenging Styles to come down into the guard. Low Ki slowly makes it back to his feet. Styles with a kneelift, chop, punches, whip is reversed. Hard elbow and chops from Low Ki. Really, really pretty dropkick from Styles to turn it back around. Off the rope, single-arm spinning neckbreaker. That makes no sense and just looks stupid. 619 from Low Ki, I don't know the area code in Brooklyn. Help me out. Snapmare from Low Ki, Muta elbowdrop for two. Low Ki gets a dragon sleeper hooked up in the ropes, Tenay calls it a dragon clutch but who knows if he's right. Kicks from Low Ki. Low Ki goes for another kick, Styles sweeps the legs, Low Ki kips up, and gets a rolling kick. That was really well done. European uppercut by Ki, Styles goes for the Styles Clash. Reversed, Styles for it again, reversed again. Low Ki goes for an ankle lock, Styles counters with an enzuigiri. Low Ki to the floor. Styles to the apron. Missed thing, but Styles covers by moonsaulting into a reverse DDT. It wasn't "one fluid motion" like Tenay might tell you but it was pretty great. Actually, Tenay kind of ruined it for me by overdoing it. Crucifix pin by Styles, two count. Spinning heel, cocky confident pin, two count. Double underhook brainbuster from Styles, two count. Styles goes for either a suplex or a suplex set up into a reverse neckbreaker. Low Ki goes for the "dragon clutch" again but it doesn't work out for him. Don West says the crowd is mesmerized. You know, TNA has it down to a science. Some people might ignore a somewhat bored crowd, but TNA finds ways to EXPLAIN why they aren't making much noise and they're all just hanging around. Russo pokes Low Ki in the eye with the bat. Don West says Low Ki can kick you from "75 DIFFERENT SS..SS...SPOTS!" and I think Mike Tenay faints at that point. Low Ki with a springboard spinning kick. Low Ki coming back, hard forearm avalanche in the corner. Really sweet double underhook suplex into a pin attempt for two. Kicks from Low Ki which Styles takes like a gay. Low Ki setting for the Ki Krusher, but Styles counters with a DDT. Low Ki looking for a handspring something-or-other, but Styles moves and hits him with a lariat for two. Styles goes nutty with slaps and punches and all kinds of shit. Low Ki suddenly hooks on a vertical cross armbreaker which makes me poo my pants. Styles with a front suplex, long two count. Styles ducks a springboard kick, and gets a springboard of his own into what looks like a reverse DDT, but Low Ki counters with a kick. Styles to the floor, Low Ki follows. Russo tries to get in there but Low Ki lays him out and knocks him onto the broadcast table. Low Ki to the top, people want to see it, but Rudy Charles won't move. Low Ki goes to get Styles, who hits him with the bat. And that's it at 14'51". Do these fucking idiots know HOW to end ANY match? Do they have any clue at all how to end a match? This stupid company just goes ON and ON, with no conflicts ever getting resolved, with all the heels treading water with some connection to Russo, all the babyfaces fighting Russo but not REALLY. He doesn't REALLY do anything. They don't seriously give the impression that he has any power whatsoever, but all he talks about is having power. If he were just an effective heel manager, then fine. But these retards book everyone in the same stupid angles over and over, nothing gets done, nothing is ever finished, and they just go in this big fucking circle forever. And that's why this company sucks, because why not do a supercard thing every two or three months or so for one of the PPVs, or even just book a Sunday or a Saturday once every two or three months for three hours. Why not try that out? Then maybe you can finish things up with blowoff matches and stop having everyone repeat the same bullshit. Maybe I'm just mean, I don't know. The match was good up until that lame finish. 1/2

Also, I think James is right. I think Don West thinks this is all real.


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