WWE SmackDown! presents Vengeance - 07/27/03
by Scott Christ

I fear this might be late as I am starting at 3:10pm on Monday, but we'll see.

Before I begin, however, I would like to address something I think needs more attention. It's one of the true crimes and miscarriages of injustice in this world. That's right, I'm talking about me not being on the IWC 100 this time around. How dare the committee overlook my sparkling contributions to thecubsfan.com. But let me tell you, just because I wrote Flea and vowed to seek revenge for this, and just because Flea then mentioned me on 411, and just because 411 then took that down (apparently - I'm getting this second-hand as my computer had exploded and I was unable to see it), and just because 411 sucks and Scott Keith is an ugly douchebag with awful hair that fears my competition and kickassity, well, that doesn't mean I'm going to to sell out. I owe it all to my thecubsfan.com fans. Well I'll be with thecubsfan.com forever.

--Live on July 27, 2003 from the Pepsi Arena in Denver.

--Your commentators for everything are Michael Cole and Tazz.

--Heat Match - Kanyon (242, Queens, NY) v. Ultimo Dragon (185, Nagano, Japan?): I can't find my stopwatch so I have to leave the time display on the screen. Dragon with a side headlock, Kanyon tries a big boot, Dragon ducks, sweep. Series of kicks that ends with the spinning thrust to the chest/sternum. Don't forget the APA Invitational! What do you think Torrie's thinkin'!? Hey, if they aren't going to pay attention, I'm not either. Take that. Ultimo Dragon takes some dumb Kanyon move and lands on his knee. Kanyon gets two. Backbreaker from Kanyon, cover, two. Kanyon stays on the advantage with some knees into the back and a rear chinlock, which Tazz always likes to call a "rear chinlock, rear naked choke!" Dragon fires back with chops and thrusts and stuff. Crotch thrusts, that is. Kanyon with a vertical suplex but he made it look real fancy so that makes him awesome. Kanyon goes for a top rope samoan drop, but Dragon slides down and power bombs him instead. Kanyon charges the corner, foot up, comes back, drop toe-hold into the second turnbuckle. Kanyon gets kicked in the ass a lot. Dragon with a couple kicks, then hits his reverse DDT that is real fancy for the win at 04'04". This was pretty good because it reminded me of a Saturday Night main event. 1/2

--Ohhhh girl. I'd be in trouble if you weren't on channel 801.

--The PPV starts with Brock, Kurt, Stephanie and Zach remembering how they wanted to be great WWE Superstars when they were kids or something. And then Vince goes to Def Poetry Slam to shout them all down.

--United States Championship Tournament Final - Eddy Guerrero (228, El Paso, TX) v. Chris Benoit (229, Edmonton, AB): Mike Chioda brings both men to the center and tells them to keep it clean and orders them to shake hands, which they do not. Remember, to get here, Benoit beat Rhyno and Matt Hardy, and Eddy beat Ultimo Dragon and Billy Gunn. Circle around for the first minute, then Eddy gets a hammerlock. Benoit elbows out and puts him down with a hard shoulderblock, sending Eddy bailing to the floor. Benoit looks for the crossface, but Eddy fights away. Hard shoulderblock from Eddy. Greco-Roman knucklelock, Benoit wins. Guerrero wins in the end, rolling away and sweeping Benoit to the mat. Chop from Eddy, chop from Eddy, chop from Eddy. Then all of a sudden we get three near-falls on sunset flip pin attempts, and Benoit bails to get a breath. Eddy continues to control and stay a step ahead of Benoit. Eddy goes for a tombstone, Benoit reverses into a shoulderbreaker - crossface? No. Now he's got it, but Eddy quickly gets his foot on the bottom rope. Eddy to the floor, Benoit hits a suicide dive. Benoit with two straight bodyslams, then goes back to the shoulder. Eddy fires back with a huracanrana, getting two. High-angle suplex from Guerrero, cover, two. Chop from Eddy, chop from Benoit, chop from Eddy, chop from Benoit, poke in the eye from Eddy. The referee is upset, so Eddy assures him that those chops hurt. Off the ropes, Benoit with a high back body drop. Running double-chops, into the corner. Chop! Chop! Benoit looks for the German suplex, no go. Benoit puts Eddy up top - top-rope back suplex! Michael Cole says Stone Cold Steve Austin held the US title but I take issue with this. Nyahhh. Benoit with two Germans, Guerrero blocks the third, Benoit counters with the crossface! Guerrero struggles to reach the ropes, and feigns a tap before getting his foot on the rope again. Eddy with the rolling verticals (hitting two), then finishes it with a superplex. Both men down again. Eddy heads up top - frog splash misses, but Eddy hits Benoit's shoulder anyway. Benoit with a power bomb! Cover, twoooo. Referee goes down! Eddy retrieves the US title belt - Benoit goes down! Eddy up top, frog splash connects! Cover, Mike Chioda is stirring - one, two, NO. What a great face by Eddy. Eddy nails Chioda with the belt, then puts it on Benoit and lays down. Guerrero tries to wake Chioda up repatedly, laying back down quickly to avoid being blamed. Eddy has his back turned, CROSSFACE LOCKED ON! Eddy taps! But there's no referee. Do do doooo. Benoit smacks Chioda on top of the head to get him up. Eddy with the belt, swings, misses, German suplex! Benoit cuts the throat (not literally!), heads up, and kablammo, Eddy pulls the ref in the way. Chioda dies again. HERE COMES RHYNO! Oh he's ready to gore someone, and he gores Benoit! Eddy is like "oh shit!" Guerrero up top again, frog splash! Cover, Chioda is back, two, three at 22'13". Eddy Guerrero is the new United States champion. The ending was a little overbooked (a little?) and I wish we could get a rematch, but clearly we won't unless it's on SmackDown. Ah well, what can you do. 1/4

--Backstage, Vince McMahon is sitting in an office. There are some flowers! Stephanie walks in, and they discuss Linda's condition. Stephanie doesn't want to, however. Vince got Stephanie some flowers, but not those nice ones there, those are for Sable. No Vince got her a smaller, crappier arrangement. That was wonderful!

--I'm listening to "Price to Play" by Staind, but wish I wasn't.

--Billy Gunn (265, parts unknown, with Torrie Wilson) v. Jamie Noble (200, Hanover, WV): Okay, seriously. I don't like to be cliche but Torrie Wilson looks fucking hot. She's dressed like a Go-Go or something. Nidia is not with Jamie, but Mongo's halliburton is. That's his love case, with his sex oils and his sex toys. He says he'll do things for her Billy couldn't even dream about, and this upsets Billy Gunn greatly! He kicks Mongo's halliburton into Jamie's face on the floor, then opens it up so that we can see all of Jamie Noble's sex oils and all of Jamie Noble's sex toys. Inside now, Billy misses a stinger splash. Noble dropkicks Billy to the floor, if you want to pretend he hit it. Noble over the top, Billy catches him and does something? Apparently his knee buckled. Nidia makes her way to the ring. Noble goes after Gunn's knee. Billy Gunn, magnificent athlete, manages to jump on one knee over a third attempted kick to the leg, then hits the one and only, because he can pick him up really high. Oh good, a hiptoss into a neckbreaker, because Jamie Noble is really small and he can do that. Looks for the fameasser, can't jump high enough, gets a diamond cutter instead. Two count. Billy up top, this seems pretty fucking stupid. I think Billy Gunn cut the top of his hair only. Top-rope DDT from Jamie Noble, Nidia puts Billy's foot on the bottom rope. Jamie is not pleased since he wants to bone Torrie Wilson, and if you're not aware, this match is for Jamie Noble's right to bone Torrie Wilson. Torrie comes from behind, but her slap is blocked and he kisses her. She hits him, Nidia hits him, and then Billy comes back. Torrie is pulled to the apron by Jamie, but Billy gets in there and stops anything from happening. This backfires, as Jamie gets a waistlock and goes to the ropes, and Billy and Torrie hug? and Jamie gets a rollup "with the tights" for the three count at 05'14". This was really bad, and Nidia runs away so she is no longer associated. Torrie says "holy shit" after the match, because she has to bone Jamie Noble now. DUD

--Funaki SmackDown! #1 Announcer is with The APA. On SmackDown Thursday, people beat them up. They invite Funaki and The Easter Bunny goes through the scene.

--The APA Barroom Brawl: Your participants are Brooklyn Brawler, Spanky (dancing on the bar in a suit), The Basham Brothers, Funaki, Orlando Jordan, John and Matt from Tough Enough III, Kanyon, The FBI, some dudes in masks, Matt Hardy, Shannon Moore, The Easter Bunny, Brother Love, Doink the Clown and Sean O'Haire. Bradshaw toasts and says the rules are THERE ARE NO RULES. Before they can begin, Brother Love suggests they pray. Haha "Brothers APA." Sean O'Haire seems to be unable to not laugh. The masked guys and Spanky die quickly, and Sean O'Haire becomes a pool cue samurai, and they all hit each other with stuff and throw each other through stuff and Bradshaw is declared the winner as the last man drinking at 04'26". Better than the Redneck Triathalon but so is eating boogers.

--Backstage, Jamie Noble reads a messy Torrie Wilson Playboy with a stagehand who wonders about Nidia's feelings. Noble seems indifferent to them. Her feelings, I mean.

--WWE Tag Team Championship Match - Rey Misterio Jr. (175, San Diego, CA,) & Billy Kidman (215, Allentown, PA) (challengers) v. Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas (champions, 489): Cole mentions that Misterio and Kidman were tag champions in WCW in "the old Filthy Animals," which is nice. Misterio and Benjamin start. Tazz has said "that bad boy" in reference to a body part or "this bad boy" in reference to a match or other current event about nine times tonight. They do some stuff and Rey tags Kidman in. I can't take Kidman seriously with those white boots. Kidman spins about four times too many on a spinning headscissors, but Benjamin turns the tide quickly and tags Charlie Haas. Haas in with a schoolboy, two count. Jumping forearm from Kidman, two count. If you're wondering, Haas is now all over Billy Kidman, just like Jamie Noble was all over that Playboy. Don't forget that for a while or anything! Misterio with a tag, drops the guillotine legdrop, two count. Edgecution (I think that was the name) by Haas for two. Hard face-first whip to the turnbuckles from Charlie. Shelton tagged in, who works him over some more. Misterio with a huracanrana, but Shelton rolls through, but Rey rolls through the roll through and hits a seated dropkick. Tag to Kidman, tag to Haas. Kidman would be a house of fire with these really nice standing dropkicks if it weren't for those white boots. Rydien bomb, two count. Cole thinks Haas kicked out "perhaps instinctively." Shelton and Charlie go for the double-team rope-assisted Mike Enos, but Rey trips Shelton from the floor. Charlie is set for the 619, but Shelton returns the tripping favor. Shelton and Rey on the floor, and Kidman sends Haas out. Kidman climbs onto the middle of the rope and gets a shooting star onto both Haas and Benjamin. Holy shit chant. Kidman and Haas back in, Kidman gets a long two count. Kidman on the apron, taking some rights, and Shelton runs in to whip him hard into the ringpost. Back in, Haas covers for two. Tag to Shelton. The ringpost is now a bad boy. Shelton works the shoulder, and now gets it into a bow-and-arrow. Kidman reverses, cover, two. Tag to Charlie, the champions continue to transform Kidman into Ricky Morton, oh I'm clever. Kidman hopes to make a tag with Haas on the floor now, and he does! But oh Mike Chioda did not see the tag, how awful! Shelton Benjamin is so smart. Double-team suplex from the champs, cover, two. Power bomb from Shelton on Kidman! You CAN power bomb Kidman! This is really The Night the Power Bomb Returned. Well, you can't power bomb Kidman twice. Kidman needs a tag and I guess Shelton does too right now. Hot tag to Rey! Springboard somersault dropkick on Shelton, he takes Haas out, ghetto blaster on Benjamin, suckers Haas into a dive to the floor, and gets a sunset flip for two on Shelton. Big DDT from Rey, two count! 619 hits on Charlie! Springboard uh buttblock, Shelton breaks the pin with Chioda distracted. Benjamin and Kidman go over the top to the floor. Charlie covers, TWO. Kidman launches Rey up to the top - huracanrana on Charlie Haas! One, two, NO! Everyone bought it. I think Kidman actually bought it too. Kidman gets spin-kicked by Shelton and he's out to the floor. Haas and Rey trade shots. Rey up for a victory roll, then turns it for a rana, but gets caught with a power bomb/flying clothesline combo for the win at 14'50". Really good match. 1/2

--Summerslam 2003 spot, and it's a Jaws spoof where there's a shark and everyone runs! Except Brock Lesnar runs into the ocean and F5s the shark. Hahahaha. He F5ed the shark!

--Tazz thinks the next match will be "nutty, man, I'm tellin' ya." Tazz is a real doofus tonight. More than usual.

--No-Countout Catfight - Stephanie McMahon v. Sable: Stephanie is wearing Wendi Richter's boots. Sable has a nice outfit. Listen, what the fuck is with Stephanie's hair. She is a very rich woman. Sable is performing The Griiiiind, but Stephanie isn't impressed and attacks her on the ramp. Sable runs away into the crowd, but Stephanie is right behind her. Fuckin' her in the ass. Back to ringside, Stephanie with a clothesline. In now, and Sable sneaks in with a dropkick on Stephanie while she rolls in. Call me a pig, but I like Stephanie's boobs. Okay these two are doing stuff. I don't really care. Sable again performs The Griiiiind, Stephanie rolls her up, two count. Sable with a hard slap. Hairpull throw from Stephanie, two. Stephanie hits her with three straight forearms on the floor. Sable tries a kick back in the ring, but she's caught and gets hit with the women's special slap. Cover, two. All of this talk about messing up pretty faces just makes me think of Rick Martel, which makes me think I could possibly be gay. There are Sable's tits!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sable wants Brian Hebner's help with her top (this is porn), so Brian Hebner takes his shirt off and gives it to her. And then A-Train runs in and flattens Stephanie! Not literally of course. Ha ha, I'm rollin' now. Sable then covers Stephanie and that's it at 06'39". This was pretty not good! DUD

--Tonight's throwback: Larry Bird, Indiana State. Tonight's lame rap: "I don't need leather pants and tattoos to try to act cool / I got throwbacks and steal chains / I lead the new school / It's time to take out the evil, keep 'em restin' in peaces / I'ma eat you alive, dog / They'll find your bones in my feces / That's aight, I'm untouchable, this won't be a fight / I'll walk away with his bike and he can suck my tailpipe / He had a good run, but it's bye bye, see you later / I'm the real darkside, half machine like Darth Vader / Yo, I'm way better than Dead Man, you just anotha sucka / You think he's beatin' John Cena? / You's a stupid motha"

--John Cena (248, West Newbury, MA) v. The Undertaker (305, Houston, TX): Cena slaps Undertaker to start, then lays in some rights in the corner after getting Undertaker riled up. Chioda pulls Cena away, but doesn't pull Undertaker away when he returns the favor. Kick to the head, Cena to the floor, Undertaker to the nap. Haha he's old. On the floor and Undertaker is in control. Cena gets sent into the ringpost, then he starts pulling the padding off the wall as he tries to get up. Undertaker puts him on the apron, legdrop. Then he drives an elbow into the back. This is pretty crappy. Inside, cover, two. Undertaker gets a keylock, but Cena makes the ropes. Old school. Chokeslam. Well this is certainly competitive thus far. One, two, and he pulls him up. Taker calls for the last ride, but Cena slips down and hits a big DDT. If I were Tazz, I'd say it's a big-time HUGE DDT. But I am not, so I will not. Cena goes to pull the turnbuckle off, but it's taking too long so he goes back to stomping. Then he goes back to untie it fully, but Undertaker is back on the advantage. In the corner, UT charges, and Cena pulls the pad off. Don't worry though, it takes Undertaker about 40 seconds to get back into it. To the floor, more stuff with padding that Cena pulled off. Nice cleavage, Undertaker. Shoulder thrusts in the corner to the ribs that Undertaker is favoring and that are causing him to bleed from the mouth. Undertaker misses with a jumping big boot, but gets a clothesline off the bounce-back. Two count. This is really all that's happened in 11 minutes. Undertaker gets the TCB, but Cena gets the ropes. Cena catches Undertaker with a spinebuster, two count. Undertaker fires back again, then hits a "jumping" clothesline. Tazz excuses him. Cover, two. Undertaker goes for the tombstone, but can't hold him up. Cena goes for the FU, but Undertaker just gets away and kncoks him over and hits a legdrop. One, two, no. What do you know. I think the commentators are running out of things to say. Cena nails Undertaker in the gut with his steel chain with the ref's back turned. FU! One, two, NO. What the shit is the point of that? Cena mounts and pummels in the corner, as he is the stupidest son of a bitch alive, and gets the last ride for the pin at 16'01". What the shit was the point of this? Boy John Cena put up a good fight! Don't worry, Michael Cole and Tazz respect his effort! 1/2

--Vince McMahon (245, Greenwich, CT) v. Zach Gowen (159, Detroit, MI): Zach takes off his prosthetic right away. Collar-and-elbow, guess who wins. Collar-and-elbow, guess who wins again. Vince feigns a right hand, and Zach covers up. This is not fair. Zach hops over to Vince, but gets caught with a waistlock takedown. Back in again, hiptoss. Bodyslam. Zach goes for a rollup, but it's not happening. Clothesline from McMahon. Asshole chant as Vince continues to pummel Gowen. Zach ducks and sends Vince to the floor, then hits a kick through the ropes. Asai moonsault, nearly breaking his one leg. Big legdrop on the back of Vince's neck as he crawls back in, cover, two. Vince gets a legbar. You know. On his one leg. Zach picked up by the leg and slammed down a few times. Zach back up, and Vince kicks his leg out of his leg. More leg-kicking. Vince gets a single-leg crab. Since that's all he can get. Tazz says this is "the sucky part" of the match, because Zach won't quit and Hebner can't call it or he'll be fired. Zach gets the ropes. Cole can't seem to decide whether he wants Zach to quit or not. Zach fights back and crotches Vince on the ringpost. Zach off the top, mostly misses a flying bulldog. Second-rope missile dropkick. Cover, two, Vince gets his foot on the rope. Vince gets a chair, and Brian Hebner is like "no don't!" and even takes the chair, but nevermind, Vince throws him to the floor. WHAM dropkick to the chair and tomato soup is pouring from Vince's head. That's a really nasty mess on Vince's head. Chairshot to the back! Zach for the moonsault, no it's a twisting somersault thing. Either way it misses. One, two, three at 14'01". They did about all they could with this and Vince is bleeding terribly and the end seemed rushed because of it. But I hope that's it for Zach, no offense to one-legged people. Zach gets a standing ovation after the match, mixed with a few hilarious boos.

--Josh Matthews catches up with Eddy Guerrero backstage, asking him if he thinks the win is tainted. Eddy does not.

--Triple Threat No-Disqualification Match for the WWE Championship - The Big Show (challenger, 500, parts unknown) v. Kurt Angle (challenger, 237, Pittsburgh, PA) v. Brock Lesnar (champion, 295, Minneapolis, MN): Now the belt is a bad boy! Lesnar and Angle slowly approach each other, but turn and kick Big Show. Whip to the ropes, Big Show clotheslines both men down. Angle out, chokeslam on Brock! One, two, Angle breaks the pin. Michael Cole is really hyping this "hottest man in the match" angle re: Big Show. Angle goes for a German suplex on Big Show, but he breaks it with an "asshit," according to Tazz. Angle goes for the ankle lock, not happening. Brock tries to get back in, knocked off the apron. Thrust kick from Big Show on Angle. Legdrop, cover, two before Brock breaks. Lesnar in now, flying forearm from the second rope on Big Show. Goes for the F5, Big Show breaks away. Drops the elbow thing, two count. Angle brings in two garbage can lids, and he and Lesnar pinball Show. They go for a double suplex, but somehow can't get him up considering they've both picked him up many times, and he reverses into a double chokeslam of his own. Show goes for a double chokeslam, but they reverse and chokeslam him. Brock goes for the pin, Angle pulls him off. Now they aren't pals, and shove each other before Lesnar clotheslines Angle. Angle out now, and Lesnar measures Big Show up. F5 hits! Cover, two, Angle pulls Mike Chioda out. Lesnar is upset, and he goes to the floor to let Angle know by punching him and whipping him into the steel steps. Lesnar is beginning to ooze with confidence and machismo. Lesnar turns his attention to Big Show, slingshotting his throat on the top rope. Brock in, knocked down, legdrop, two count. Lesnar gets a running power bomb on Big Show out of the corner. See, the Night the Power Bomb Returned. Holy shit chant. Angle is still down outside, Brock covers, here's Angle with a chair. WHAM. WHAM! Angle pins Big Show, two count. Angle knocks Big Show out of the ring with the chair. Now the chair is a bad boy!!!! Angle down now, Big Show is clearing off the Spanish announce table. AHHHHHHTHECHOKESLAM! isn't going to happen. Angle Slam through the table! Angle and Lesnar crawl into the ring with Big Show incapacitated. Both men are bleeding and staring, and here we go. Angle with big right hands, but Brock fires back (to boos). Whip, reversed, reversed, F5? No. Angle holds onto the ropes so Lesnar just throws him over to the floor. On the floor, whip, reversed, Lesnar goes into the steps. Back in, Brock's wild right misses, German suplex! Switch, right hand misses again, German suplex with Brock flipping upside down in mid-air and landing on his face. Two count. Angle goes for the Angle Slam, Lesnar slides away, SPINEBUSTER. One, two, no. Lesnar grapevines the waist and gets a sort-of Tazmission on. Big Show finally gets back in, and breaks the hold. He covers both of them, two count. Big Show's mad now as he's dropped the strap - AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Double chokeslam! Cover on Lesnar, two. Cover on Angle, two as Lesnar breaks. He hooks Brock for another chokeslam, but Brock low-blows out. Angle and Lesnar going at it again, Angle winning with right hands. Brock charges the corner, misses and hits the post. Anklelock! Angle Slam on Big Show! Angle Slam on Lesnar! Cover, two, THREE at 17'27"! Kurt Angle is a four-time WWE champion. A much better match than I expected and a surprising, clean, surprisingly clean finish.