WWE Judgment Day 2003 (05/18/03)
by Scott Christ

--Quick HeAT Recap: The Coach and Al Snow talked about some stuff. There were video packages aired, notably cool was the Intercontinental title history one. Chief Morley came back to enter the IC title battle royal, but Bischoff reminded him that Chief Morley was never IC champion. Morley said he was right.

--Heat Match - The Hurricane (215, parts unknown?) v. Steven Richards (230, Philadelphia, PA): Raw match commentators are Jim Ross and The King. Lawler says he made a substantial cash offer to Tazz to let him emcee the bikini showdown later on, but he declined. This match is these dudes doing things they normally do. Steven gets ridiculously psyched up to do a vertical suplex for some reason. Richards stays on the advantage until Hurricane does some jumping clotheslines and a backbreaker for two. Flying crossbody from Hurricane, two. JR mentions Ricky Steamboat, what a guy. Eye of the Hurricane - no. SHINING WIZARD. Great Muta mention. Man JR is on. Cover, two, three at 02'56".

--To the pay-per-view!

--Creepy little girls Judgment Day thing without the last line because Undertaker isn't coming back from the dead.

--Live on May 18, 2003 from Charlotte, NC.

--JR and King talk about stuff and then take us down to Michael Cole and Tazz. Ant they take us to the Spanish team - Hugh Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera.

--Woo! Co-GM Stone Cold is on his way to the ring. "It's good to be here in Charlotte. Looks like a good time, I see a lotta loud, LOUD, hell-raisin' rednecks. Believe it or not I didn't come out here to cut a real long-winded promo, this ain't about Stone Cold Steve Austin. (what) Believe it or not I'm gonna make it real short and sweet. (what) I'm not gonna run my mouth. (what) Sit here in the middle of the ring. (what) Take a bunch of time. (what) Because there's a lot (what) of badass matches tonight! So as the co-general manager of Raw, I'd like to welcome everybody here to Judgment Day. I'm gonna watch this show just like you, I'm gonna watch the show, I'm gonna sit down - but I'm not just gonna sit down in the back. In a locker. (what) In a chair. (what) In a bathroom. (what) Hell in the closet. (what) I'm gonna bring my ass (what) right up there to Redneck Heaven. I'm gonna sit up there I'm gonna sit out here with you guys, in my own personal little skybox, and I'm gonna drink beer (what), I'm gonna raise hell (what), I'm gonna watch every single match (what), and have a damn good time in the process. How ya doin', Tazz? Hey throw me a damn beer, I'm thirsty already." Austin heads out through the crowd to his box, but not before giving Tazz a beer too. What a guy.

--Here comes John Cena in Royals crap, and here's his stupid rap that sucks: "This is Thuganomics / But tonight I'm baptized / Now I got family ties / With the FBIs / Tonight we handin' out a special / Two-for-one black eyes / It's like a mafia movie / I have you cheerin' the bad guys / Cuz we really goodfellas / Makin' you offers you can't refuse / Have you jumpin' off the pier in some concrete shoes / We'll beat you down so bad / You can't identify the body / You get baked like manicotti / We're the new John Gotti / So don't mess with Nunzio, Palumbo or Stamboli / You'll be sleepin' with the fishes / Gettin' stuffed like ravioli / I change my name to Corleone / Like a Godfather flick / Your girl likes Italian sausage / Cuz she swallowed my"

--John Cena, Chuck Palumbo & Johnny Stamboli (with Nunzio) v. Rhyno, Brian Kendrick & Chris Benoit (combined weight of 685, in order: Detroit, Olympia, Edmonton): The faces chase the FBI and Cena out to start, then Kendrick flies over with a somersault plancha onto all of them + Nunzio. Cena and Spanky start, I wish he was just Brian Kendrick. Enzuigiri from Spanky to Cena, but then Palumbo gets in with his cigar, and he's like, "I am SO Italian. And in the mob." The thing that bothers me is Palumbo has a beard. Have they never WATCHED The Sopranos? Mobsters only grow bears when they go on the lam or get depressed. Stamboli does junk and then Palumbo gets back in to stomp and do a bearhug. The cigar is finally thrown out. Bearhug again. This sucks. Hard lariat from Palumbo. Kendrick finally gets a tag to Benoit who wants to clear house but Cena can't sell a kick to the gut properly because he fucking sucks. German suplex Cena! German suplex Palumbo! Thrrrrroat cutting. Headbutt hits on Palumbo, Nunzio in - GORE! on Nunzio. Kendrick takes a blind tag and goes for Sliced Bread #2. Benoit has the crossface on Cena, but they aren't legal. Kiss of death on Kendrick - three count at 03'55". Well that was a fine waste of time and talent. DUD

--Austin is in his box with a girl that hangs around all night and is completely in love with him. I bet they get married. I mean, you can just tell she's so totally in love with Austin. I'm not saying that's how they play it up. Anyway, Eric Bischoff comes in and says he gets to share the skybox with Austin. Austin gives Eric his hot dog and says he made it himself. Austin offers him a beer, and he takes one after finding out there's nothing else to drink. Bischoff takes his beer in a plastic up and they toast and Austin knocks beer all over. I love Austin.

--There's some members of the Carolina Panthers in the crowd.

--La Résistance (combined weight of 507, Paris, France) v. Scott Steiner & Test (combined weight of 554, with Stacy Keibler): Test starts out with René Dupree and they do about what you'd expect them to do. Test is like, "Holy shit, I am strong" and Dupree is like, "Oh man, I just got out of wrestling school." Tag to Steiner, chops and forearm clubs in the corner. Dupree catches Steiner with a hotshot, and Grenier does some weak ass crap outside. Tag to Grenier - double-team vertical suplex. Two count. Stacy pounds on the apron to get the crowd going as Steiner is in an excruciating chinlock. Steiner elbows out, whip to the corner, charge, boot up. Clothesline from the second rope, two count. Tag to Dupree. Hot tag to Test, who hits some clotheslines and side slams and another clothesline and another one that is screwed up with a foot halfway up and a clothesline halfway through. Test with an UNCLE SLAM on uh one of them for two. Test puts a beret on and sets for the boot, but Grenier pulls Nick Patrick in the way. Grenier gets a cover after Dupree interferes, feet on the ropes, two count. More sloppy ass brawling before Scott Steiner gets in to kill everyone. Steiner is outworking everyone and by a lot. Test gets the pumphandle slam but everyone is distracting Patrick, so there's no count. Dupree up with a dropkick, knocking Stacy into Steiner's arms for the 3,000,000th time. Tag to Steiner who hits some wicked ass move, but then is killed by an errant boooot from Test. Double-team flapjack from the French guys, three count on Steiner at 06'17". This was shit, as one might expect. 1/2

After the match, Stacy checks on Steiner, but Test pulls her away, and she's like NO, you DICK. So she goes back, but then Test is like, "No seriously," and she's like oh okay.

--Backstage, Mr. America runs across Gregory Helms, Ace Reporter. Helms' sources tell him that underneath the mask, he's secretly Hulk Hogan. Mr. America's sources tell him that underneath the suit, he's secretly The Hurricane. They agree that their sources are idiots and wish each other luck.

--Josh Matthews is with Eddy Guerrero in the locker room. Josh reports that Team Angle has said Eddy has two options: a handicap match or a forfeit. Eddy chooses to go with option #3, which is to find himself a new tag partner. Eddy says it wasn't easy, and he needed to find someone who was crazy, not totally right in the head. He found one - TAJIRI! TAJIRI! TAJIRI! TAJIRI! Oh shit. This is awesome.

--A grainy 70s-style NFL Films video package, complete with NFL Films voiceover guy, is shown to remind everyone how fucking awesome Kurt Angle is.

--WWE Tag Team Championship Ladder Match - Team Angle (champions, combined weight of 489) v. Eddy Guerrero & Tajiri (challengers, combined weight of 434): Fight right away to start, with Eddy being sent into the ladder in the aisle by Shelton, and Tajiri spin-kicking Haas inside. Tajiri sets for the buzzsaw kick, but Shelton comes in to make it 2-on-1. Michael Cole helpfully notes that Team Angle doesn't know much about Tajiri, which may or may not actually be true for all I know. Eddy makes his way back in slowly but gets put down pretty quickly. Team Angle with the double-team gutbuster on Eddy, both faces down now. Haas and Benjamin head out to find a ladder, and find one they do. Tajiri goes for a slingshot plancha and screws it all up. Ugh. Eddy hits his on Shelton. Both faces down outside again and Team Angle set the ladder up inside. Both start heading up, Tajiri is in, runs under the ladder, and gets the springboard elbow to knock it over. Wonderful, that. Dropkick from both faces with the ladder glancing Shelton in the head, but they make up for it by both dropkicking it into Charlie's nads. Another ladder is in now. Eddy sandwiches Charlie between both ladders and heads to the apron - slingshot somersault senton! Tajiri sets the ladder up and starts to climb, but Shelton is back and pulls him down. Tajiri's face hits the rung. Eddy is the only one up now and sets a ladder up in the corner. Eddy tries to whip Shelton in, reversal, and Shelton just throws him into the ladder. Goddamn. Ladder balanced across the top rope, and Shelton stands the other one up. Oh man - Charlie holds the balanced ladder up with Tajiri laying across, and Shelton jumps off the other one with that Mike Enos. Goodness. Haas climbs the other ladder, but Eddy is up and shoves it over! Haas tumbles over the top rope to the floor. Eddy wedges a ladder in the corner, and he's in with Benjamin. Whip reversed again, and Eddy just flies into the ladder. Tajiri tries to kick the ladder into the faces of Team Angle but it doesn't work out so well. Wicked superkick on Haas! Wicked kick to the head on Shelton! Tajiri hits fuckers with the ladder now, then dropkicks it into Shelton on the floor again, which again looks like weak ass shit. Tarantula on Haas gets a big pop. Shelton hits Tajiri in the back with a ladder to break the hold.

Team Angle doubles up on Eddy inside now. Charlie grabs the ladder, but Shelton is monkey-flipped out of the corner into the ladder and Charlie. Shelton dumped outside by Tajiri, and Eddy and Haas are alone. Eddy dumps Charlie and sets the ladder up. Haas back in before he can climb, Shelton too. Both men down, Eddy climbs, but they stop him. Eddy keeps climbing though. Charlie on the other side but he's knocked down. Shelton right under Eddy now, knocked off. Eddy's up top - frog splash on Shelton! Charlie pulls himself up on the ladder to climb, and Eddy is up on the other side with the crowd chanting for him. Slugfest on the top of the ladder. Both men up - sunset flip powerbomb from Eddy! Eddy gets the ladder back in position, but Shelton's back now, and climbing under Eddy. Tajiri is back in now, and on the other side - GREEN MIST! GREEN MIST! GREEN MIST! Eddy and Tajiri climb - they win it! New champs at 14'21". This was real good violent wrestling with some really crappy shit in there bringing it down, but the ending was great and they didn't try to go nuts with things that were going to fail. 1/2

--Austin and Bischoff discuss acquiring Eddy Guerrero in the skybox. They agree it was a badass match. Austin offers Bischoff a burger and another beer, then makes fun of how Eric drinks his beer. Man Austin is drinking talls. That rules. Austin directs the crowd's attention to Eric's girly beer-drinking techniques.

--Terri is backstage with Chris Jericho. Terri asks him what he thinks his chances are in the IC title battle royal. He thinks they're great, but here's Rowdy Roddy Piper. "Really?" "Excuse me, sir! I think you took a WRONG TURN. The senior citizen's home is DOWN THE STREET, GRAMPA." "Thank you! I'm old enough, yeah, listen, to have a Highlight Reel, don't you have to do somethin', hm? Somethin' big? But I've got to admit to you, you know, you've done a great job, a great job taking the best show in wrestling history, Piper's Pit, and ripping it off, and driving it RIGHT into the ground! You deserve a pat for that." "Yeah, don't touch me. Wanna talk about ripping off? How about that leg you ripped off that kid last week on SmackDown? Oh that was tough! If you want there's some lepers and a few midgets in the back, if you wanna take them on, Mr. Tough Guy. What'd you do with that kid's leg, anyways? Didja eat it? Huh? Roddy?" Haha he's patting Piper's belly. "Now you're touching. The leg was an accident, okay? Yes, kind of like when Mr. Jericho talked to Mrs. Jericho about the night before, when they did NOT wear the condom? One wanted a boy, one wanted a girl and...they got you. So special." "You know what's special?" "Yeah." "It's gonna be special tonight when I take eight other assclowns and throw them over the top rope, and once again become the intercontinental champion! I'm gonna be SMILING from ear to ear, it's gonna be so special, Roddy." "NOW you're talking! Y'see, cuz I'm gonna go, take Mr. America, RIP HIS FACE OFF, and show them Hulk Hogan, in all his baldness! We have something in c--" ... "No we don't." That was good. Especially DIDJA EAT IT?

--Go see SmackDown brand shows live, especially the big one in Dothan, Alabama.

--JR talks about the IC title originating in 1979 with Pat Patterson and how it's back now. The awesome video package airs. The Legacy: Patterson, Patera, Morales, Muraco, Santana, Savage v. Steamboat, Steamboat, Bret Hart, Honky Tonk Man, Warrior, Piper, Davey Boy v. Bret, Shawn v. Razor ladder, Jarrett, Diesel and Shawn, Rocky, HHH, Owen, Austin, Warrior v. Hogan. The Controversy: 1-2-3 Kid turning on Razor in Razor v. Goldust, Owen breaking Austin's neck, Austin forfeiting to Rock and throwing the belt in the river, Austin kicking D'Lo's ass on his truck, Chyna smashing Jarrett with the guitar, Chyna-Jericho co-champion crap, Angle beating Jericho. Shawn, Honky, D'Lo, Rikishi, Venis, Billy Gunn, Regal, Jericho v. Benoit, Savage v. Steamboat, Test, Owen, Rock v. HHH, Jericho v. Angle, Benoit v. Jericho, Godfather, Storm, Edge, Christian, Jeff v. HHH, Eddy, RVD, Kane, Patterson. Woo.

--The Fink introduces Pat Patterson, who will present the belt to the winner of the battle royal. JR says his pick for best champion ever is Honky Tonk Man and Lawler says he must be drunk. HELLO, LADIES. Yes yes yes! Val Venis is back! "Helloooo, ladies, ha ha ha. Ladies, tonight, is the return of one of the greatest titles of all-time - the intercontinental title. Tonight is also the return of, simply put, the greatest XXX superstud ever, me - The Big Valbowski. The only difference between the IC title and The Big Valbowski, is that while the IC title will satisfy the fantasy of just one man tonight, The Big Valbowski will be satisfying ALL the fantasies of ALL the women in Charlotte, NORTH CAR O LI NA." Austin and Bischoff had a moment in there where it appeared as though Austin had rehired Val.

--Order of entrance, not that it matters since it's a battle royal (times held the IC title): 1. Val Venis (2), 2. Chris Jericho (4.5), 3. Goldust (3), 4. Lance Storm (1), 5. Rob Van Dam (3), 6. Christian (1), 7. Test (1), 8. Kane (2), 9. Booker T (0)

--Intercontinental Championship Battle Royal: Everyone goes after Kane, wisely. Jericho tells them to throw him out and RVD isn't in there, so I guess it's not really everyone. Oh good, Kane kills everyone. There goes Storm. RVD clips Kane's knee, but gets DDT'd by Val. Everyone on Kane again, and now he's gone this time. Kane comes back in and nails everyone, including chokeslams on Test, Venis and RVD before he leaves. Out goes Test via Booker T. Out goes Val via Goldust. Out goes RVD via Christian + Jericho. Hey down to four in about two minutes flat. This sucks. OH GOOD it's another Booker & Goldust v. Jericho & Christian match. Jericho and Christian form an alliance of jerks. They do the thing where you lean on the ropes with a guy you're "trying to throw out," using Goldust. Goldust fights back and gets the shattered dreams on Jericho and Christian, plus he breaks out his tourette's syndrome in case you forgot he has that. Goldust wants Booker to do the spinaroonie, so he does. Goldust tries to throw Booker out, but Booker reverses and Goldust is gone. They have a laugh about the whole shebang and Goldust wishes Booker luck. Jericho and Christian beat Booker up some more. Jericho goes for the lionsault - Christian pushes him out! Haha awesome. Jericho is suitably upset and we're down to Christian and Booker T. Christian goes for a dropkick, but hits the referee on the outside instead. Booker fans on the scissor kick, throws Christian out, but Christian only hits one leg on the floor. Booker T superkicks Christian off the apron - that's it at 10'43". But WAIT. Is it? Oh no it's not. Christian lays Pat Patterson out, grabs the IC belt, lays Booker out, and throws him out with the referee back up to become the new intercontinental champion at 11'52". This was okay with an ending that starts things off on an interesting note.

--Backstage, Sable is walking. And she finds Torrie Wilson. They have a stupid moment for idiot assholes. Oh good a tale of the tape. And oh good a video package.

--Bikini Challenge - Torrie Wilson (36-25-36) v. Sable (36-24-36): Ugh dear god Torrie comes out to a terrible song sung live by Lillian Garcia. This is horrendous already. To make an exceedingly long story short, Sable has a very 80s bikini, and then Torrie has a rather nice and attractive bikini, but when the voting is even (Sable was probably actually winning), Torrie decided it was fair to take off her bikini to reveal that she had gone back in time to MTV Spring Break '90, and Tazz declares her the winner. Then Torrie kisses Sable with such passion that they could both win an award at the Robot Oscars.

--Austin and Bischoff just got so turned on by that. Nice to know. Austin says he doesn't smoke but he could use a cigarette so Eric says he doesn't have a cigarette but he has a condom in his wallet which disturbs me greatly if I read more into it than there was supposed to be. Bischoff is way drunk and eats jalapenos because he thinks they're pickles.

--Piper is backstage with Sean O'Haire. Now here's Mr. McMahon. Vince gives Piper a pep talk. Then we get the video from SmackDown where Piper pulled the cripple's leg off.

--Rowdy Roddy Piper (227, Glasgow, Scotland, with Sean O'Haire) v. Mr. America (275, Washington, DC, with Zack Gowen the one-legged guy): 227 my ass. Piper and O'Haire attack Mr. America when he slides in, but O'Haire is sent out quickly. You know, you'd think someone as smart and devious as Sean O'Haire wouldn't walk around in his pleather underwear if he wasn't in a wrestling match. Mr. America lifts his mask to bite Piper, which doesn't even make sense, but whatever. Very cute. O'Haire trips Mr. America and Piper FLIIIIIIES off the apron with a sledgehammer. Piper takes Mr. America's weight belt and lays down some strapation. Piper gets the sleeper. Arm drops once, twice, but not thrice. Piper with shots, he's Americaing up, YOOOOOOOOU. Rights, big boot uh sort of hits. Here comes Vince. Piper hits Mr. America in the balls, and Mr. America gives O'Haire a pipe. McMahon distracts Jimmy Corderas, O'Haire with the pipe, but he misses and nails Piper. Legdrop, three count at 04'54". Zack Gowen stopped McMahon from getting in the ring to stop the three count too, and Vince wobbles out all exaggerated. The match was pretty ridiculously awful. -

--Backstage, Triple H is walking. Suddenly, Stephanie McMahon comes up and tells him to be careful. Oh fuck right off. WHY? It's not like this is a streetfight or something. My god what a load. Video package.

--World Heavyweight Championship Match - Kevin Nash (challenger, 305, Detroit, MI, with Shawn Michaels) v. Triple H (champion, 272, Greenwich, CT, with Ric Flair): JR says that if provoked, he believes Nash would rather fight a man than make love to a woman, which is somewhat odd to say. Nash attacks HHH in the aisle before he can even go and spit water all over or take his belt off. Flair and Michaels also scrap about and then they're removed by a group of officials. Nash and HHH fight at ringside as Earl Hebner tries to get things in order. The match is finally officially underway with Nash well in control already. Kneelifts in the corner. Whip, and HHH comes out into a backdrop as he pretends to be Ric Flair. Nash with big slow elbowdrops. HHH with an eyerake as his first offense, then he shoves Earl Hebner to the mat. Swinging neckbreaker from HHH. Whip to the corner is reversed and Nash follows closely with a clothesline. Nash mounts and lays in with big slow right hands but at least they look convincing unlike most of his hilarious punches. Earl Hebner gets in Nash's face now and Nash backs him into the corner. Nash "ducks" a running forearm and down goes Hebner. For god's sake. Nash no-sells a clothesline and HHH kicks him squiy in the junk. Sidewalk slam from Nash as Hebner finally makes his way up. Back elbows in the corner and I think there's a turnbuckle exposed but I'm not sure. Nash signals for the jackknife and gets booed and then sorta cheered. Wait no, he was signaling for snake eyes on the exposed turnbuckle. HHH slides down and Hebner goes down AGAIN. HHH rams Nash's head into the STEEL and hits the pedigree - one, two, thr--no. Oh boy. HHH goes for a second one but gets dumped out to the floor. HHH gets that damn sledgehammer and brings it in the ring. Hebner grabs it but HHH hits Hebner with it. The bell rings with NO REFEREE SIGNAL at 07'49" and Nash wins by DQ. They fight some more and Nash jackknifes HHH in the ring, then minutes later jackknifes him through the Raw announce table. This was appallingly bad all-around. - Two in a row!

--Go see Raw shows live.

--Go buy "Listen, You Pencil Neck Geeks."

--Here are Austin and Bischoff. Austin praises Nash. Bischoff is so drunk. This girl is so in love with Austin. Bischoff vomits. That poor girl no-sold the puke that got on her. She was like :)

--Women's Championship Fatal Four-Way - Trish Stratus (challenger, Toronto, ON) v. Jacqueline (challenger, Dallas, TX) v. Victoria (challenger, with Steven Richards) v. Jazz (champion, with Theodore Long): Ohhhh boy Jacqui, nice uh...well I don't wanna say wicked nasty cameltoe but that's all I got. Steven trips Trish and they do stuff. Trish and Jacqui are in when the dust settles. That doesn't last. Trish goes out with Victoria (on a date, haha) and gets sent into the ringpost. Victoria breaks a pin on Jacqui. Jazz picks Victoria up and I think she said "come here you psychobitch" before hitting the bitchplant!!!!!! on her. Then she hits the bitchplant!!!!! on Jacqui too. Now here's Trish. Clothesline from Trish, two. Chick kick ducked, another one blocked, STF from Jazz. Jacqui hobbles over and Victoria kicks at her but that doesn't work. Victoria is locked in Jacqui's single crab (ew ew ew ew ew) and Trish is still in the STF. Trish gets the ropes and Charles Robinson isn't even paying attention to the other one anymore. Jazz knocks Jacqui away and gets the STF on Victoria. Trish breaks it with a dropkick. Trish hits the chick kick on Jazz but she kicks out. Victoria and Jacqui get back in. Trish gets the headscissors on Jazz, Victoria blocks Jacqui's superplex but gets a headscissors too. Trish goes for the Stratusfaction on Victoria, but gets dumped to the floor and HARD. Jacqui gets a northern lights suplex on Victoria. Jazz breaks the pin with a splash where she jumps too high and the ref has to stop his count too soon, and then she DDTs Jacqui to retain at 04'48". Hey guess what this stunk besides Trish. DUD

--Video package, thank god this is the last match. I'm sick of this. In this match, you have to roll the stretcher past a yellow line in the aisle.

--WWE Championship Stretcher Match - The Big Show (challenger, 500) v. Brock Lesnar (champion, 295, Minneapolis, MN): They're putting over how there seems to be no way for Brock to win this match since Big Show is, you know, real fucking big. Big Show tries to hit Brock with that backboard, but he misses and Brock lays in about five or six shots, including a clothesline with it that sends Show to the floor. Fighting on the floor, Brock is winning the early brawl. Well not anymore, Big Show hits him with the backboard. Tazz notes how absolutely unbelievable it is that the "last" stretcher match had Andre the Giant, and how this one has The Big Show, who is also a giant. Plus he's his son! Big Show looks tired, shockingly. Show sets Lesnar up on the backboard, then drops a big fat leg on him. Big Show pulls Lesnar out on the backboard, and puts him on the stretcher. Show pulls, then decides to push. About halfway there, Brock kicks Show away, but gets clotheslined off the stretcher, landing pretty hard. More backboard shots, yes, amazing. Cole says Big Show is putting on a clinic, which is way off. Maybe a hitting people with the backboard clinic. Maybe a being big and fat clinic. Haha he's fat. More backboard hitting, this time from Brock. Brock grabs some loose cable to choke Big Show out. Brock lowers the stretcher to get Big Show on there after he chokes him out, but now the cables are stuck. Brock pulls real hard and flies backwards with Show falling off the stretcher. Big Show fights back now, but runs into a double boot with Brock hanging off of the big steel mess entrance decoration. GORE! by Brock. Big Show down, and Brock and Big Show have a pushing war at each end of the stretcher. Big Show wins, driving Brock into the apron. For whatever reason, Big Show puts the pad on the stretcher, then picks it up, throws it down, takes the pad, and puts it on the other stretcher, which had its own pad. I have no idea why he did any of that. Big Show drives Lesnar into the ringpost, then luckily he finds another backboard under the ring to hit Brock with. We get two replays of the ringpost spot because Brock hit his head really hard. Big Show is so into backboard swinging. It might be his new chair punch, except not nearly as cool. Show gets caught on the apron and bulled off onto the stretcher, which he bounces off of. Amazingly the stretcher did not give. I'm not being sarcastic. Brock throws that stretcher, then uh...leaves while tapping his head because he's so smart. Well he's gone! Big Show's like, "Okay, I'm going in the ring." And he does. !!! WHO'S THAT JUMPIN OUT THE SKY R-E-Y MISTERIO HERE WE GO. Rey Misterio Jr. is in the ring! 619 to the balls! Off the ropes! Clotheslined! Wow good job. Oh my - AHHHHHHHHHTHECHOKESLAAAAM! But wait - BROCK LESNAR IS DRIVING A DAMN FORKLIFT. Very impressively, too. Hard turn! He drives it right to ringside and Rey jumps on Show's back. Show throws him off and Brock is on top of the forklift - WHOOOOOOA FLYIN' BROCK LESNAR! OH MAN BROCK IS JACKED UP! SHOULDER BLOCKS IN THE CORNER! VERTICAL SUPLEX! BROCK HAS TURNED PURPLE! HIS SMACKDOWN METER IS FLASHING! BIG SHOW'S ENERGY IS LOW! EE OH EE OH - F5! Brock puts Big Show on the forklift - with the backboard under him, so smart - and Brock drives him past the line for the win to retain at 15'26". Well this could have been way, way worse in 15 minutes of Big Show, and Brock deserves credit for picking this up and giving it life, at least for the ending.

See you next month for the Raw-only PPV. May the Lord have mercy on my very stupid soul.