NWA-TNA 02/19/03
by Scott Christ

Because I just got digital cable and finally have PPV access again, I decided I'd check out this TNA stuff. I regret this decision.

--Video package showing the TNA debut of Raven and him stealing Jeff Jarrett's NWA title, AJ Styles challenging for the title, Raven answering the challenge, Jeff Jarrett beating everyone up and getting his title back, Styles beating Jarrett up and holding the belt, Larry Zbyszko demanding Jarrett give Styles a shot at the belt, etc. This goes on a while, helpfully explaining the story for me and immediately warns me of the crap that this promotion is with Russo having an army in fatigues and Jarrett unmasking as one of them and then getting whipped while tied to the ropes. Ugh.

Oh and don't forget that JJ Dillon was named commissioner of TNA or whatever, and Russo explains that Dillon tried to get him fired. REHASH THE FAILED PAST, YEAH BABY YEAH. Then Sandman debuted. Just wonderful.

--Traditional NWA intro EXPLODES into hardcore edgy supermodern TNA intro, my goodness how great.

--Live on February 19, 2003 from "The TNA Asylum" in Memphis, TN.

--Goldylocks (who is prettier than I imagined she would be) is in the parking lot waiting on AJ Styles, who pulls up in a car with Vince Russo driving. Styles goes inside and Russo takes a last look at his backside.

--The Harris Bros. v. America's Most Wanted: America's Most Wanted are "Wildcat" Chris Harris and "Cowboy" James Storm. Get rid of those crappy southern indy nicknames, jeez. This is a tag team title tournament match, apparently. Fat Don starts with...I don't know. Oh, Chris Harris. Thanks, Don West. This has a lot of bad brawling until Storm flies over the top to the outside onto Ron and Don. The effects of this move last about ten seconds until Slim Ron gets in and beats Storm up. Blown spot on a slidethrough out of the ropes, but they save it okay. Superkick from Storm, Ron's in the ropes. Tag to Harris, Don trips him from the outside and drags him out. Into the rail, Don gets a chair, and Ron kicks it into Harris' face. Oh man. I just realized there are THREE GUYS in this match named Harris. For the record, I will call Chris Harris "Harris" and Ron and Don "Ron and Don." I just don't want to start calling him Wildcat because I'd feel a bit fruity. Sidewalk slam, Storm breaks the pin at two. Big boot from Don, tag to Ron. Ron whips him into the corner but gets cocky and catches a spear. Storm tries to rally the crowd, and gets the tag, but referee Rudy Charles didn't see it, so tough luck. Double big boot from Ron and Don, followed by a kneelift from Ron without Don. And another. Man, who does two kneelifts in a row? He goes for a third, but Harris counters with a rollup for two. Tag to Don as Don West says that Chris Harris is getting beaten by "600 pounds...of pure brotherhood," to which I reply, "Shut up, you retard." Suddenly, out of nowhere, out of left field, which is near nowhere, Chris Harris rolls Don up for the three count at 07'01". Uh, neat. *1/2

--Your commentators are Mike Tenay and Don West. They want a direct quote from Russo. Take it, Goldy!

--Goldy takes it, questioning if AJ Styles is with Russo's S.E.X. faction. Russo ignores her and screams at the Harris Bros. for losing. Maybe he shouldn't associate with losers if he doesn't like losing, ha ha ha.

--Back to Tenay and West. Tenay is in a tuxedo and West is in a shiny gold shirt with a not-so-shiny gold tie. Tenay makes dumb faces and yells at AJ Styles for being a dick. Spitting in the face of old people. AJ Styles, you sicken Mike Tenay!

--Russo hits the ring and asks Tenay if he wants an explanation. You're damn right he does. So Tenay joins Russo in the ring. Russo goes on to say Jarrett doesn't give a shit about tradition and that Russo made Jarrett, just like he made The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin and DX. Oh and Vince McMahon. Russo makes chicken salad out of chicken shit. And, just as I was hoping, Dusty Rhodes decides it's time to come out and settle this once and for all. Settle what? I don't know. Dusty wants to make Russo understand that tradition is what this all about. Crowd chants "Russo sucks" and Dusty says if that's the case, he better stand back, because he's old and didn't bring his viagra with him. So, if he had brought his viagra with him, he would accept oral sex from Vince Russo? Nevermind. West tells him to "testify," which disturbs me. Dusty gets in a shot on Bill Busch, then Russo wonders what Dusty's hatred toward him is. Russo brings up Goldust and how no one gave a shit about The Natural Dustin Rhodes, so Russo made him Goldust and blah blah. We'll ignore that Goldust debuted in 1995 and was at his biggest in 1996, before Russo had any power. Dusty gets tired of this and threatens to whip Russo with his belt, which prompts the Harris Bros. to come out and attack, which lasts ten or so seconds until Vader runs down the aisle and gradually slides into the ring. Amazingly, no one cares. Next week, the Harris Bros. will take on Dusty and Vader. Just what the world was waiting for. Tenay: "Whatever you do, do not turn in next week to NWA: TNA" and at that point I tune him out and take his advice.

--Here's a lady dancing and shaking her ass about seductively.

--Backstage, Goldylocks is backstage with Lorenzo Pappa or something close to that, who won an auction to interview a wrestler. He gets Jerry Lynn. Talk about bad luck. Lorenzo asks him how he feels about Paul London getting a shot at X division champion Kid Kash tonight, and Lynn says London deserves the shot and he has his hands full tonight anyway. I don't like Jerry Lynn.

--More dancing ladies.

--Triple Threat Match - Joel Maximo (with Konnan) v. Jose Maximo (with Konnan) v. Jerry Lynn: Tenay says "courage of convictions" for the second time tonight. Konnan joins the commentary. Konnan is awesome. Konnan says he doesn't understand Lynn saying he'll rebuild the X division because he doesn't speak pygmie. Lynn and The S.A.T.s go through a bunch of crappy indy wrestling, with Lynn holding the early advantage before being hit with a superplex followed by a flying elbow. Lynn tries a flying headscissors on one of them but it ends with a DDT on another one. Superkick -> German suplex with a bridge for two. Konnan calls Lynn charismatically deficient. Frankly, Konnan's commentary is outshining this match. They do a bunch of junk that doesn't translate to me typing, then go for the Spanish Fly on Lynn, but he counters with a double...uhh...double weak clothesline I think. Lynn gets a two count. Lynn dropkicks Jose in the back while he's holding Joel, causing him to tombstone him, then gets the cradle piledriver on Joel for the three count at 06'39". This was solid wrestling but boring. After the match, Konnan is very upset. *1/2

--Goldylocks is backstage with Raven, who has SANDMAN MUST DIE written on his chest/stomach. "Once upon a time, I was a sad, bitter, lonely child. There was a void in my life that I could not fill. It was a tortured existence, teased by the other children, raised by cold, apathetic parents, who only wanted one child, my sister. I was the accident they never wanted. They were not shy about reminding me of that fact. But I met a woman. A beautiful, loving woman. Lori. And her and her son Tyler, they became my family. This was the happiest time of my life. All this joy made everything that I went through worthwhile. It was the happiest time of my life. We were a loving, happy family, until Sandman took his wife and kid back! I will never, ever forgive you for that, even if it takes an eternity. I want you to know hurt. I want you to know pain. I want you to know humiliation! I want you to wake in the morning praying for divine intervention to end your miserable life. My miserable life, however, it got better. I began to look forward to the pain. I began to enjoy it. And now, Sandman, I walk through horror, with red kisses from murderous gods, blistering my priestly flesh. Walk with me, Sandman, for I am Raven. Walk with me, Sandman, through paths of hatred. Walk with me through paths of cruelty. Walk with me through Raven's Clockwork Orange house of fun. Quoth the Raven, nevermore." Raven is awesome.

--Russo tells Sonny Siaki that if worse comes to worst, he's the ace in the hole.

--Now to the ring, where Glen Gilberti talking about wrasslin'. He talks about crazy wrasslin' gimmicks, and that as the head of character development for S.E.X., he likes to base his characters on reality. Tonight, he brings to you his first creation, Disgraceland, a fat Elvis impersonator. Mike Sanders is at the broadcast booth doing his best Buff Bagwell impersonation and showing off his peanut butter and banana sandwiches. How cute.

--Disgraceland v. Shark Boy: Mike Tenay calls this crap and Sanders defends it and Tenay says it sucks and Sanders defends it and West thinks it's funny and Disgraceland eats peanut butter and banana sandwiches during the match. I'm not going to pretend this is a match, it's really just a segment where they go, "Haha, Russo sucks, our product is stupid because he's in control, this is bullshit, isn't this bad? God, we suck. Hey, pay $10 next week." Right. Disgraceland wins at 03'09" with a swinging neckbreaker. After the match, Jorge Estrada, the original Flying Elvis, runs in and gets beaten up. Then they give him a swirlie. Yes. A swirlie. DUD

--Here is a lady dancing in a cage as they scroll a couple of NWA affiliate live dates.

--Jeff Jarrett video package. I guess when you only have one recognizable star (a stretch, perhaps) you may as well make him the babyface, but the question is, what if that one recognizable star is Jeff Jarrett? This video package consists of Jarrett being a dickhead to everyone while also talking about how being the NWA champion is his dream and destiny and all that. Then we get clips of Jarrett's title win over Ron Killings with help from the debuting Russo, and clips of him defending around the world. Then it's over.

--Goldylocks is with JJ Dillon. Dillon is sick with disgrace over Styles, and Larry Zbyszko vows to find out what's going on with him.

--X Division Championship Match - Paul London (challenger) v. Kid Kash (champion, with Trinity): We get clips of Kash's title win over Sonny Siaki where he fell right on his head during the finishing moonsault. London is a whitebread honky in black spandex shorts with black kneepads and black boots and black kickpads and black hair cut in a fashionable sense. Fashionable in 1994. No elbowpads or wrist tape or anything, which I think always looks back. Choreographed chain wrestling with zero emotion from either of them. I mean, it's fluid and it's pretty, but so what? London messes up skinning the cat, so he tries it again and gets dropkicked in the gut for it. Kash with a springboard plancha to the floor. Back to that skin the cat part, why would he try to do it again, instead of just saying, "Oh well," and just getting back in regularly? Or would that have messed up the entire match? Or is he just dumb as a bag of hammers? London with an ugly slingshot rollup that didn't work at all for two. Spin kick which Kash stagger sells, and that doesn't work, come on. Jeez. Kash with a springboard dropkick on London, sending him outside, and Kash hits a running somersault plancha. Inside, flying clothesline, to which Don West reacts, "WHOOOOOOOOA MAN THAT WAS INCREDIBLE!!!!" What a penis this guy is. Kash becomes Stone Cold and flips London off when he catches his kick. London gets a routine move and does the Michinoku Driver Pin. How stupid that looks without the Michinoku Driver before it. West compares Paul London to Ichiro Suzuki, which I won't even get started on. Kid Kash goes for the Moneymaker, but London counters with a neckbreaker for two. Kash goes for a double springboard dropkick, but London ducks. London on the apron. Slingshot...something that doesn't happen, and Kash gets a double springboard headscissors for two. Don West says the crowd is on their feet, which is about 10% true. Kash anti-climactically hits the Moneymaker for the win at 08'20". This wasn't bad at all, just not very good. Kash raises London's hand after the match, which is nice. **

--The S.E.X. faction has a team conversation backstage with Sonny Siaki being ace-in-the-hole and giving everyone inspirational quotes. That was actually pretty funny.

--Wow, this girl dances AND eats a lollipop. Don't you even TRY to get rid of my erection at THIS point.

--Earlier today, Mike Tenay talked with Tough Enough Jonah. Jonah is 23 and from Massachusetts. He played college football at Union College in New York. He has recently trained with Killer Kowalski. He puts over Tough Enough, which is dumb.

--Mike Sanders (with Glen Gilberti and a lady with cleavage) v. Jonah: Sanders takes the mic to start this off, calling Jonah a loser and pointing out that he didn't even come in second. But Sanders has an offer, which is the lady with cleavage who looks like a low-rent porn star. Sanders offers him the broad and a spot in S.E.X., but Jonah wants to do this on his own. Sanders jumps on him with rights and hiptosses and all kinds of crazy wrestling moves like hiptosses and kneedrops. Snap suplex. Jonah gets a crossbody for two but his comeback lasts about the amount of time it takes to do a crossbody and get a two count and then get hit. Sanders goes for the lionsault, but Jonah rolls away. Clothesline, clothesline, bodyslam, standing dropkick that wasn't bad at all. Charge to the corner, Sanders kicks him in the chest. Jonah comes back with a powerslam for two. Jonah locks in an STF and the broad flashes her tits at him, then catches some sort of fancy-schmancy neckbreaker, giving Sanders the win at 05'34". This could have been a whole lot worse. *1/2

--The Interrogation with Mike Tenay and Don West, this week the guest is The Sandman. Toughest opponent? Raven. Bud or Bud Light? Alcohol. Pick a tag partner. Don't want to. Kools or Camels. Non-filters. Steel chairs, wooden tables. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Piercings or tattoos? Both. AJ Styles, Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett. Missy Hyatt, Francine. All women. Word association: Paul Heyman. Character. Terry Funk. Walking living legend. Vince Russo. Don't know him. Hardcore wrestling. Sandman. Raven. Sandman. Boy is this guy cool or WHAT?

--Raven & Low Ki v. The Sandman & Steve Corino: Corino drinks beer with Sandman and then both of them go through the crowd in the regular Sandman bit, which doesn't work nearly as well without Enter Sandman. The match starts in the crowd with Sandman slingshotting over the guard rails about four or five aisles off the ground with a plancha onto Raven and Low Ki. Sandman and Raven brawl, Corino and Low Ki brawl. Corino retrieves a trash can and gives both Raven and Low Ki a shot. Raven comes back with a Cactus Jack piledriver through a table on Sandman, then makes his way back to the ring. Corino follows with Low Ki right behind. Sandman is dead. Corino gets Raven with a superkick in the ring. Low Ki is there too, but not doing much. Oops, rolling kick from Low Ki. Sandman crawls toward the ring with his cane while the heels dominate two-on-one. Raven sets up the chair , but Corino reverses. Raven blocks the drop toe-hold, (eventually) folds the chair back up, and hits Corino. Low Ki tagged, and Corino is bleeding as usual. Tag back to Raven, and they try to double up again, but Corino gets a combination stunner/DDT on both. Sandman has made his way to the apron now, beating a trash can to get Corino's attention for the hot tag, which he makes. Sandman with trash can shots as he tiredly flails around. Drop toe-hold onto the trash can. Sandman sets the can up, wedging it in the corner, and Low Ki takes a drop toe-hold into it. Corino and Raven fly over to the floor. Low Ki gets a two count from something we don't see. The crowd starts a "TNA" chant, which is hilariously funny. So a portion of the crowd counters with the "ECW" chant. Low Ki does the Rey Misterio Jr. deke-out, but that just brings him right into the white russian legsweep. One, two, Raven breaks the pin, evenflow DDT, one, two, three at 08'05". This was an ECW tag match without a crowd that cared a lot. *

--Here's an AJ Styles video package where he recounts his career in TNA. Styles is someone that thinks he's great at talking and isn't even good. He has all the confidence in the world at it, he just stinks, too. He does get one good line in at the end: "Jeff Jarrett, you're standing in the way of greatness. Move."

--NWA Heavyweight Championship Match - AJ Styles (challenger) v. Jeff Jarrett (champion): I like the tale of the tape stuff and the boxing-style intros. I do not like Jeff Jarrett's hardcore country entrance music at all. With a largely quiet crowd, Don West notes how loud the crowd is. DOES HE THINK THE VIEWER CAN'T TELL IT'S NOT LOUD? DOES HE SUCK? Feeling-out process, Jarrett outsmarts Styles a few times early and takes him off his feet. Styles hits a nice dropkick and follows with a spinning heel kick for two. Seated dropkick from Styles as West notes that Styles has grounded Jeff Jarrett, and that's what you've got to do. Yeah, you gotta keep the dangerous high-flyer Jeff Jarrett off his feet. Don West is SO STUPID. Jarrett with a dropkick and a clothesline that sends Styles to the floor. Plancha from Jarrett, causing Tenay and West to shit their pants and DEMAND to see that again. MY GOD THEY'RE RIGHT. I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT. Whip to the guardrail, DON WEST THINKS THIS IS INCREDIBLE. WHIPS TO THE GUARDRAIL!!! DOES WRESTLING GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS?! HOLY SWEET SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS!! Back in, Styles with a rolling senton for two. Don West says -- no, I'll stop. But he pisses me off all the way through this match with his screaming hyperbole. Good wrestling follows all of this. Jarrett gets a stomachbreaker. Don West says this is one of the greatest matches he's ever seen, so I'll consider that he's seen two matches in his life. Larry Zbyszko is at ringside now, and he interferes by hooking Jarrett's foot on the turnbuckles, allowing Styles to get a somersault powerbomb for two. Styles on the apron, Jarrett goes for a suplex, and Zbyszko again hooks the leg, resulting in a Styles crossbody for two. Zbyszko gets on the apron and socks Jarrett in the back of the head with brass knux. Styles covers and gets two. JJ Dillon and a referee come to ringside to eject Zbyszko, and Styles is moderately upset about this. Styles goes for the figure-four, but gets caught with an inside cradle for two. Styles gets a sleeper in the middle of the ring, and Jarrett's arm drops twice but not thrice. Jarrett gets the Stroke! Two count! Ref bump! New ref! Styles gets a chinlock submission but POWERFUL JEFF JARRETT powers out. Here come The Harris Bros.! *****H-BOMB*****. Here comes Vader! Here comes Dusty Rhodes! Here comes a big load of shit to ruin the match! Another ref bump! After they're gone, Styles gets the Styles Clash (what an aful move) for two after another ref comes in. Here comes Sonny Siaki! His ladyfriend distracts the ref and then AJ Styles suddenly decides he wants to win the match on his own, which leads him into a second-rope Stroke, giving Jarrett the win at 16'02". This would have been good without all the run-ins and ref bumps and crap, but all of that just made it okay. **1/2

--Vince Russo is in a car, supposedly outside of Jarrett's house. He says he'll go in and talk to the wife and kids and wait for Jeff, they've got talking to do. And that's the show.

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