TNA Final Resolution
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Orlando, Florida


Hi!

I haven't done one of these in a million years, but I was watching the show and I had the day off anyway, so what the hey.

Rhino vs. AJ Styles (Last Man Standing)

I have the same problem with these matches as I do with ironman matches, Survivor Series matches, and other matches where you have to count multiple falls over the course of the match. Too often, the falls come off moves that would never get a win in a normal match. Here, at least, there's an element of strategy; if you stay down for the pin, you have up to nine seconds to recover, so it can be to your advantage to eat the pinfall, get the break, and come back refreshed. I thought this was going to come into play after Styles pinned Rhino about eight minutes in with a nice springboard splash, but no. Rhino struggled to his feet and barely beat the ten count. Bless Don West's heart, he tried to get the point across. He still sounds like Bobby Hill, all grown up, but he tries so hard and loves the product and I like him for that.

Rhino scored the second pin of the match, covering Styles after a spinebuster. I was surprised to see him get the pin until I remembered that this is a Last Man Standing match and you can get a pin off of anything, but I did think that the spinebuster looked really good. I just watched the four-way main event of No Mercy 2006 (Booker/Lashley/Batista/Finlay), and having Batista's spinebusters as a reference point just made Rhino's look that much better.

Excellent camera work on a springboard dive by Styles; I mention this because TNA's director misses so many crucial spots (and I complain about it so often) that I feel the need to point out when they do something right.

Good back-and-forth action. Rhino hits a gore, but opts not to go for the pin. Instead, he backs up and hits a second gore for the pin. Smart strategy - make it less likely that Styles will be able to get up. But Styles does get up, and Rhino sets up a table so you know the match will continue. At the count of 8, Styles says "screw you," sits down in the corner, and Rhino wins? Not a satisfying conclusion. Rhino agrees. He takes the mic - "I may have won, but you are still alive." He chases Styles up the ramp and we're done.

Maybe when I was 12, I'd have thought "boy, that AJ Styles is a coward, I can't wait to see him get his." Now, though, the ending just feels like a cop-out designed to artificially prolong the feud. Which isn't the worst thing ever - I like both these guys, and they work well together. But still.

WINNER: Rhino (Styles fails to answer the 10 count)

I'm not listing match times - I wasn't even sure I wanted to recap this.

Michael Tenay and Donald West at ringside run down the card. When Angle/Joe is referred to as "the rubber match," I assume Russo has booked a condom on a pole (haa!) match.

Back to the arena - Rhino has caught up with Styles and hits a piledriver him on the ramp. He sets up AJ for a gore through a table, but Styles - perfectly coherent after a piledriver on the ramp - ducks out of the way. Rhino crashes through the table, which hurts more than a piledriver on the ramp, I guess.

Some girl interviews Jerry Lynn. He keeps acting offended when the girl implies that he is old. He's not making the metal voice or the metal hands \m/ \m/ which makes me very sad. WHOOPDY DO

Christopher Daniels (c) vs. Chris Sabin vs. Jerry Lynn (X Division Title Match)

Here's my question. How do you qualify for the X Division? Samoa Joe was the X Division champ, so it's not about using an aerial wrestling style, and there is no weight limit. If it's about being a good wrestler, then Kurt Angle should qualify, but he's not in the X Division. Neither is NWA Champion Abyss or former champions Sting, Christian Cage, Raven, Rhino, or Jeff Jarrett. So how do you qualify for the X Division? And how, as a fan, do you explain the X Division to someone who's never seen it before? Really, you can't explain it without saying that wrestling is a work; they're not all little guys, they're not all fliers, and you can say "these are the guys who can really go" but they're not the world champions. It makes sense to internet fans, but less sense to, say, my dad. That's all I'm saying.

Match begins and soon breaks down into a hokey-looking three-way criss-cross in the six-sided ring. Eventually, Daniels just stops running, and grabs both opponents for a double STO. We're probably a little better than a minute in. Daniels goes for a headscissors on Lynn, but Sabin breaks it up with a running kick out of nowhere. I didn't see it coming and it looked good.

They keep making a big deal about Jerry Lynn being 43, and I get that the idea behind this match is the past (Lynn), present (Daniels), and future (Sabin) of the X Division, but it seems like they're burying the guy a bit. 43's not that old, and Lynn doesn't look old anyway. It's not like WWE harps on about how old Batista is. Besides, Sting is older than Jerry Lynn.

The bald referee is wearing shorts and I hate that. He's the referee. He shouldn't be calling attention to himself. Every time I've watched TNA with a non-fan, they wonder why the bald referee is wearing shorts.

I think Sabin just gave Daniels a noogie. Hesitation dropkick by Sabin on Daniels, and that always looks nice. Lynn made the save, and the crowd chants for him. Playing him up as the respected veteran is working in the Impact Zone, but pretty much everything works in the Impact Zone. Lynn comes off the top with a diving rana on Sabin, and the crowd chants "new f'n show."

Have we ever figured out why Sabin has an alien head on his pants?

Convoluted three-way spot, as Daniels hits a second-rope Flatliner on Lynn as Lynn hits a second-rope bulldog on Sabin. Crowd chants "TNA," of course. Daniels follows it with a BME on Sabin. I don't know if it's the BME - maybe SBME behind Great Muta in his prime, but then I haven't seen all the moonsaults in the world. It is a very good moonsault.

Daniels goes for Angel's Wings on Lynn, but Lynn reverses into the cradle piledriver. As he crawls over to make the cover, Sabin sneaks in from behind and schoolboys Lynn for the win and the belt. Ending came out of nowhere, but this was pretty decent, and it sets up Lynn vs. Daniels one-on-one, which should be good, as long as it's not a two-minute Impact special.

WINNER: Chris Sabin (pins Jerry Lynn, schoolboy)

Jeremy Borash is backstage with "the father of the PCS himself," which is a funny thing to call him because this old man looks like Kevin Nash's dad. Nash introduces head judge Bob Backlund - Mr. Bob Backlund to you. Backlund appears to be insane, and he denies ever spending any time with Nash. This shouldn't be funny but I can't stop laughing, especially after Nash realizes that he's confused Backlund with Scott Hall. Backlund is saying things at random. "It's great to be here! Yes! TNA!" Backlund is wondering whether the X Division guys learned takedowns and pinning combinations and the crossface chickenwing. Nash offers up the pogo stick competition, musical chairs, "and we all went out and drank one night until somebody puked."

Backlund and Nash shaking hands is great. Nash calls him "Mr. Backlund" and Backlund calls him "Mr. Nash." And "young man." This is the best thing I've seen in a long time. No reference is made to Diesel beating Backlund for the WWE title a decade ago. Backlund won't leave and oh crap, here's Eric Young. I hate Eric Young. Backlund seems mystified. Young leaves, and Backlund still won't leave until finally muttering "young man" at Jeremy Borash and wandering away. I forgot just how much I love Bob Backlund.

Video recap of the Paparazzi Championship Series. Kevin Nash is great.

Holy crap, you need to see what Don West is wearing. Red dress shirt with white collar and cuffs. Dark red tie with white diagonal stripes and a white wavy thing down the middle. He looks like Santa Claus, or possibly a can of Coke. Don West is the greatest man alive. And he's being joined on commentary by Kevin Nash. And Alex Shelley and Austin Starr can actually wrestle. This segment should rule.

Introducing the judges. First, from Madagascar, Samolian Joe, a skinny guy in a red Kwang mask. Second, Fat Naked Oily Guy. I am amused that the on-screen graphic actually reads "Big Fat Oily Guy." Last judge is Mr. Backlund, who gets a respectful reaction from the crowd. Backlund shakes hands with Samolian Joe and Big Fat Oily Guy.

Alex Shelley vs. Austin Starr (2006 PCS Finals; 10-minute time limit)

Dueling chants to start while Nash and West trade obscure trivia about Popeil products. Now Nash is talking about beating Backlund for the WWF title - the match went an hour in front of 38,000 people. Nash is great. "I've been telling my wife forever that eight seconds is an hour." This cracks Don West right up.

Shelley hits a suicide dive on Starr on the floor, landing right in front of the PCs table where the judges are sitting. Back in the ring, a Lionsault by Shelley gets two. Shelley seems to be winning over the crowd. If I had to guess, I'd say that this is because Shelley seems naturally cocky and funny, while Starr's flamboyance is as forced as Lance Storm's dancing.

Backlund is studying the match intently, while Big Fat Oily Guy is conversing with Samolian Joe and pouring bottled water on himself.

Shelley hit a really nice enzuigiri. With Starr face-first in the corner, Shelley runs in for a dropkick. Of course, the camera cuts away and just barely cuts back before the impact. TNA badly needs a better director.

Shelley hits a rope-assisted backcracker, which looks a little more forced but also a little more effective than Carlito's version. A springboard DDT gets two. One minute remains. Starr counters the shiranui into what could be a tombstone, but opts for a face-first slam instead. Starr grabs a camel clutch and holds it until time runs out. The crowd is loudly supporting Shelley. Judge Samolian Joe picks Starr. Judge Fat Naked Oily Guy picks Shelley. Backlund has the deciding vote, and he enters the ring. Shelley beats Starr, 95 to 92, on conditioning. Shelley beats Starr 95 to 82 on takedowns and proper positioning and balance. Starr gets 90 to "Alex Shelton's" 85 in the category of body positions having a deleterious effect on their ability to augment the right positions. I'm not making this up and I love Bob Backlund so much. Were their pinning combinations beneficial? Shelley 9, Starr 10, because neither scored a pin. Did they build the match in the proper way to entertain the plebians? PLEBIANS! Starr 25, Shelley 25. And that is the verdict.

Apparently, this is a draw? I have it 309-294 in favour of Shelley, and that's the stupidest thing I've added up today.

Nash orders the match restarted, and we're in a five-minute sudden death overtime period. Not sure what makes it sudden death. Shelley goes for the flash schoolboy, but Starr kicks out at two. Backslide by Shelley gets two. Forward rolling cradle out of a Russian legsweep position gets... three? Neat finish. Shelley wins it.

WINNER: Alex Shelley (pin, forward rolling cradle, Shelley wins the 2006 Paparazzi Championship Series)

Jay Lethal, Sonjay Dutt, and the perpetually irritated Senshi arrive to congratulate the winner. Lethal and Dutt hoist Shelley over their heads, and he raises the bowling trophy. Starr fumes before confronting Nash, but Nash shoves him down. Senshi separates them.

Starr grabs the mic and runs down the PCS and everyone involved, with the exception of Senshi. He goes to leave and tries to bring Senshi along. Starr imitates Senshi's voice, which is always good for a chuckle. Finally, Starr slaps Senshi, so Senshi clears the ring. Frustrated, Starr slaps Samolian Joe and Fat Naked Oily Guy, but slapping Backlund gets him the crossface chickenwing. Security rushes in to separate them. This is pretty great, so of course we cut away to a video package.

Petey Williams vs. James Storm

Storm is accompanied by a reluctant Gail Kim. A random girl is standing in the aisle when Petey comes out, but they don't say who she is and you don't see her again, so who cares.

Williams goes for a springboard plancha to the floor, but Storm shoves Petey, who lands face-first on the ring apron. That was kind of awesome.

Shilling the TNA Mobile voting thing, Tenay calls the Joe/Angle match a "thirty-man, Ironminute match."

The crowd is chanting "Brokeback Mountain" at Storm. That was much more effective where there was a cowboy tag team instead of a cowboy singles wrestler.

Storm hits a snapmare off the top rope, which is pretty hilarious. Petey lands on his feet, so Storm drops him with a reverse DDT. Basically, the story of this match is that Storm is bigger and slower than Petey, and also I don't care and this match is boring. Petey sets up for the Canadian Destroyer, but Storm trips him up and rolls him up into the ropes for the pin. Meh.

WINNER: James Storm (pin, rollup)

After the match, Storm steals the handcuffs from Gail and cuffs Petey to the ropes. Gail stops Storm from busting a beer bottle over Petey's head, so he goes to hit Gail instead. She punches Storm in the balls, but before she can hit him with the beer bottle, Jacqueline makes a surprise appearance to no real reaction. Her boobs are still ridiculous. Does anyone in the whole world care about Jacqueline?

Women I would rather see in TNA than Jacqueline:

Anyway, Storm holds Gail and Jacqueline comes off the top with the Death Sentence.

VKM bullshit. They declare victory over WWE. The fans chant "TNA" (just like they did on Monday night, which VKM makes sure to point out) and "Raw sucks," which, well, it does.

In the middle of said bullshit, BG James stops to offer sincere-sounding well wishes to Triple H, which is a nice gesture, I guess. Kinda kills the gimmick, but whatever.

Christy Hemme runs in, crying. She accuses VKM, Hunter, and Shawn of missing someone important when talking about DX, and oh no, this is going to be Chyna, isn't it.

"What about Joanie Laurer? What about Chyna?" Oh Jesus.

Hemme is overacting to a ridiculous degree. Now she's talking about Lita. Now she's claiming that women feel like they have to run from this business. In order to ensure that she is taken seriously in what she consider's a man's business, she's shrieking and crying. Ahahaha, the crowd chants "we want wrestling." "I do too!" responds Hemme, which shut the crowd up for approximately three seconds before they switched to chanting "boring."

BG James tries to be a nice guy, but Kip James interrupts to call Hemme a "little slut" and tells her to go back to the strip club. Kip James, babyface. Anyway, this all results in Hemme slapping Kip and dissension between VKM. This is goddamn retarded and I'm so very glad that I didn't pay for this bullshit.

Interview with Team 3D. 3D/LAX is the match "people have been dying for," says Brother Ray. That's a bit of a stretch. Brother Devon is starting to look like Zeus.

LAX (c) vs. Team 3D (NWA World Tag Team Title Match)

Bubba Ray is way taller than Homicide. And way fatter.

Seriously, why would you text in your vote for who will win the Ironman Match? It's like a website poll, only you get to pay for the privilege. Either TNA is stupid, or lots of cellphone owners are stupid. Or probably both.

Nope, TNA is stupid. Basically, here's what happened. Team 3D beat up LAX, hit 3D on Homicide, tossed Hernandez on the floor, and then drunk Spike Dudley wearing a Santa suit came into the ring and fell onto Homicide for the disqualification. Really. This is such bullshit.

WINNERS: LAX (disqualification, outside interference)

"This just ended so badly," said Don West. I can't dispute that, fat bearded talking Coke can.

So to recap so far, the show was great up until they cut away from Backlund's crossface chickenwing on Austin Starr. Ever since then, it's been the shits. Two matches left - hopefully they can bring the awesome back. Right now, I'm not holding my breath.

"Three months of drama, three months of rage" - this could have been twelve months of drama and it would have been a lot better. Really, it's amazing just how much I was looking forward to Angle/Joe I and how little I care about Angle/Joe III. Having said that, this should be awesome.

Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe (30-Minute Ironman Match; winner gets a NWA World Title shot at Against All Odds)

Who decided to name a PPV after a Phil Collins song?

Five minutes gone, and early stalling has given away to mat wrestling. Angle also hit a diving shoulderblock, which I haven't seen him use before.

Don West suggests that Joe surrender a fall to get an easy escape from an Angle chinlock. While it's a little ridiculous to suggest someone should tap to a chinlock, he has a point. In theory, it would make sense to see lots of submissions in an Ironman match, because if someone stays in a submission hold, they could get hurt and lose several falls as a result. Tenay ignores this. Ten minutes gone.

Joe goes for a suicide dive on Angle on the floor, and it looked like Joe cracked his head good. I thought I saw a goose egg developing, but I guess not.

Twelve minutes gone, and Angle tosses Joe in a release German suplex for two. Angle sunset flips out of a muscle buster attempt, but Joe rolls through, flips Angle into the Kokina Clutch, and gets a quick tapout with 17:04 remaining. Joe leads 1-0. Hmm, a quick submission. Don West goes back to his original point, and this time, Mike Tenay buys in.

15:00 remaining. Joe went back on offense early, but Angle is controlling the match with another chinlock. If I didn't know better, I'd think we really are going to see a submission off a chinlock. Joe fights back - Angle goes for an Olympic Slam, but Joe rolls through with an armdrag, then hits a leg lariat. He goes for the choke again, but Angle reverses to an anklelock for the tapout with 13:58 remaining. The match is tied at one fall apiece. Another fast submission. Tenay is now all about this idea that submitting quickly is a wise move.

Back to the chinlock (again). Joe powered out (again), Angle went for an Olympic Slam (again), and Joe went to reverse it (again). Whatever they were trying didn't work, though, so Angle just covered Joe for two. Joe came back with a suplex attempt, but Angle hooked another anklelock to go up 2-1 with 11:03 remaining. Let me guess - Joe will get a submission with about two minutes remaining?

10:00 remaining. Joe hits a series of strikes and a running kneelift in the corner. He goes for a muscle buster (again), but Angle counters with a sunset flip (again), and I'm abusing this joke (again). Joe kicks out, but Angle is finally able to hit the Olympic Slam for a nearfall with 8:30 remaining. The straps come down, and Angle is back to the anklelock, but Joe rolls through and finally hits the muscle buster to tie the match with 7:41 remaining. 2-2.

6:50 remaining before either guy is back to his feet. Joe is soon back down after an Angle chop block, and Angle is back to the anklelock. Since we're closer to the end of the match, Joe is fighting it, and he escapes. Angle comes off the top, but Joe catches him. Through a convoluted series of reversals, Angle rolls up Joe for the pin, making it 3-2 with 5:18 remaining.

With 3:00 remaining, Angle escapes another muscle buster attempt by dropping to the floor and smacking Joe's ankle against the ringpost. 2:00 remaining and Joe is limping, but he's on the warpath. One more muscle buster, but Angle gets his foot on the ropes with 1:30 remaining. Joe scrambles to apply the choke. Angle counters, so Joe counters into an anklelock of his own, but Angle holds on until time runs out.

WINNER: Kurt Angle (3-2)

That was pretty good, and I thought the booking made sense. I'd have preferred to see Joe win, but we can always have one more match once Angle wins the belt.

Backstage, Sting, Jeremy Borash, Sinister Minister, and Chris Abyss live out a Christian (not Cage) morality play, which would actually be a pretty interesting angle, left alone without Abyss in prison or a crazyhouse, or Tomko with a secret.

Abyss (c) vs. Sting vs. Christian Cage (NWA World Heavyweight Title elimination match)

Typical three-way. Two guys fight while one guy lays around and says "ow." Abyss counters the Unprettier into the Shock Treatment for two. Sting says "ow." Chokeslam by Abyss for two. Sting tries to come back, but Abyss knocks him off the apron into Tomko's shark cage, so Tomko chokes Sting (very effective cage). Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam on Christian (very effective Cage), but the referee is distracted by Tomko.

Sting comes back, knocks Abyss into Christian, and hits the Scorpion Death Drop for... the pin? That was quick. Ohh, right, elimination rules. New champion tonight! Sting goes for a handshake, but Abyss responds with a choke. Sting got choked, Mitchell is mad that Abyss didn't do more, Abyss lost the title, it sucks for everyone. Except Christian, who hits a missile dropkick on Sting for two.

Christian controls until Sting flexes and calls upon his superpowers (Sting says "OWWWW!"). Back drop, press slam, Stinger splash, but a second one misses. Christian goes up, but Sting hits a superplex and both are down.

Sting hooks the Scorpion Deathlock on Christian, but Mitchell is back to unlock Tomko. Mitchell then distracts the ref, Tomko hits his backbreaker suplex move on Sting, but Sting still kicks out. Christian distracts the ref again, but Sting dumps Tomko from the ring, and now Abyss is back to put Tomko back in the cage. Christian misses a belt shot, and Sting hits the Unprettier on Christian for two. And now Christian clotheslines the ref. This is a goddamn mess. Mitchell hits Sting, so Sting goes for a Scorpion Deathlock. Abyss is confused, but finally lays out Sting with a chain. Frog splash by Christian. As he hooks the leg, James Mitchell's cane - which was laying on Sting's foot - goes flying into the air and lands right in front of the referee. Haha, whoops. The referee pays no mind and counts the pin.

WINNER: Christian Cage (Cage pins Sting, frog splash, Cage wins the NWA World Heavyweight title)

And so it goes. The first three matches were really good. Then the show fell to hell. Angle/Joe was good - probably could have been better, really, but it was still good - and the main event was a cluster. I'd go with thumbs down overall, because the good was pretty good, but the bad was REAL bad.

Maybe I'll do another one of these in two years!