NWA TNA - 01/07/04
by James Kalyn
Recapped: 01/07/04
Nashville, TN

Sup. I don't think Scott's gonna recap TNA anymore, and I wasn't planning on it, but then I got kinda bored and thought "hey, Ultimate X II, that should be good" and here we are. Hi.

We skipped the pre-game show, opting for part of an episode of That 70's Show interrupted by a sampling of the WWE Originals CD. You know how that looks like a piece of crap? My friends, you have not experienced crap such as this. About ten years from now, it will be a hilarious piece of camp like Hulk Rules or Wrestlemania: The Album (TATANKA. BUFFALO.) but for now, it's just awful. That 70's Show is no screaming hell either, but I can tolerate it.

I suppose I should start the recap now, but Emeril is making coffee cake and smoothies and sausage. I sure would like this show better if people would quit cheering for individual ingredients. YEAH GARLIC HOORAY RUM WOOOO DSOUN CRAM0

COMING UP NEXT: EGGS AND OYSTERS. I think I can turn off Emeril now.

We open with Mike Tenay telling us not to steal pay-per-view. Really. Isn't it a bit late at this point? I mean, by the time Mike Tenay comes on and tells us not to steal pay-per-view, it's either already been paid for or already been stolen. It's like those ads before movies that tell us how illegally downloading movies is very painful to stuntmen. It might be true, but why are you telling this to a roomful of people who paid for their tickets?

Anyway. We open with a bunch of clips!

Finally in the arena, Jeremy Borash and his terrible pants introduce 3 Live Kru to sing their new song and right away I wish for more clips. This, like their previous song, not only has a whole lot of "oh you didn't know" and "gettin' rowdy" and "orale," but it ALSO brings back "a bow wow wow yippy yow yippy yay." Eventually BG James says "a redneck and a spic backed up by a NEE-gro?" and this is kinda funny but it's too little too late.

Slightly new opening graphics! I know Cubs likes to be informed of such things, so I watched them in slow motion:

Running time: 30 seconds.

MY WORLD MY WORLD and there sure hasn't been enough Jeff Jarrett yet. He's wearing a cheap suit and looks like a guy who might be manager of a moderately successful Radio Shack. In an unrelated note, he's accompanied by Don Callis and Kid Kash. Jarrett blabs as the crowd chants "you suck dick." We get more about Watts and the NWA board, and more about there not being a title match tonight, and he also claims that tonight he'll be awarded the 2003 Mr. TNA award, so you know he won't be. What a bad name for an award.

Anyway, he calls out Watts and Goldylocks, who's looking like Dee Snider these days. Callis wants Watts to step down, Watts yells NO I'M NOT STEPPING DOWN, DON CALL-ASS and the crowd is like "..." and this all took WAY too long. Watts makes some New Year's resolution-themed jokes that aren't funny at all. The only highlight was Kid Kash making faces and yelling stuff, he's great. He also looks a LOT like a long-haired Owen Hart, or at least he does to me.

As Jarrett berates Watts, a guy in a blue shirt, jeans, and a black mask sneaks into the ring. He beats on Jarrett and chases the heels away. I'm not sure who that is but I bet Herbert S. Meltzer will know by the time you read this.

Roddy Piper video! He blabs about everything he's done in the NWA, which is his home. I'm not sure why he brings up Hulk Hogan and Mr. T, but you know, it's Piper. These kids have insurance now! Unless you're NWA Black Shirt Security's Rick Santel, in which case you can pay for your shoulder injury yourself, but Hulk Hogan will sign a pair of boots for you.

Scott Hudson is backstage with Simon Diamond and Johnny Swinger. If Swinger had a bandana tied around his head, he'd looks just like old drunk Scott Hall. Glenn Gilberti wants Diamond and Swinger to win the tag belts tonight for "the team," but they want to win the belts for themselves. David Young is shadowing Gilberti and being annoying. He's the master of the spinebuster, you know.

Twenty-five minutes into a show I helped pay for (because I am retarded), we get a match!

TNA Red Shirt Security & Abyss (6'8", 335 lbs)
v. America's Most Wanted & The Phenomenal AJ Styles (Gainesville, GA, 219 lbs)

You know, Don West sounds exactly like what Bobby from King Of The Hill would sound like as an adult.

A triple-team on Legend of the Red Shirts to begin. I guess he's the official replacement for Ryan Wilson, who I think is done with the company? Not sure. One of the AMW guys does a big dive over the top onto both of the Red Shirts, but this is completely missed by the commentators because of the picture-in-picture shot of Kid Kash being roughed up by and subsequently roughing up Sara The Ticket Taking Old Woman into signing the oath or the Austin petition or whatever it is. The Red Shirts beat down James Storm and whip him with their dastardly belts. A northern lights suplex into the turnbuckle by Kevin Northcutt on Storm looks particularly painful. Lou Abyss presses Storm into the air and smacks Storm in the back of his head on the way down. You know who used to do that better? Steve Blackman. TNA should sign that guy, he ruled.

Anyway. More fun with the belts leads to a two count. Hot tag brings in Chris Harris, who beats down all three heels. Styles comes in with a springboard dropkick over Harris onto both Red Shirts, then he Swantons over the top rope onto the Red Shirts on the floor. AMW goes for a double spear on Abyss, but the Red Shirts pull AMW to the floor. The ensuing brawl so engrosses the referee that he doesn't see Styles pinning Abyss after a tornado DDT. Styles flips out of an Abyss German suplex and goes for a Styles Clash, but in comes Jarrett with a beltshot. Black Hole Slam and the ref just can't wait to count that three! (8:11)

Trinity, the 2003 TNA Babe Of The Year, gets her own video package. She does stunts and wears small clothes. We see a clip of her acceptance speech being interrupted by Sonny Siaki, and then we get a live interview with Trinity ALSO interrupted by Siaki. Kash shows up and wants them all to sign the "loyalty of oath" (wha?) but nobody does.

You know, that footage of Diamond & Swinger over Styles & D'Lo was so great, I hope we get to see it again.

We get to see it again!

NWA World Tag Team Title Match
Ron "The Truth" Killings & BG James (c)
v. Simon Diamond & Johnny Swinger (New York)

The 3LK music opens with the first two lines of You Are My Sunshine and it's not like I didn't dislike these guys already.

It's worth noting that in the crowd there are a whole bunch of JUGGALOS with Vampiro face paint and Psychopathic Records logos on signs and that makes me fear for the future of TNA, though I suppose it's not like this show has been worth a damn thus far anyway.

Speaking of not worth a damn, there's this match. James does his Road Dogg punches, taking about 30 minutes in the process. Diamond ducks and waits in position for a superkick for about 10 seconds before James turns around and walks into a "superkick, almost out of nowhere." Mike Tenay is using a different definition of "nowhere" than the rest of us. Or at least a really liberal use of the word "almost."

In the picture-in-picture, Elix Skipper is shown talking to Christopher Daniels. Daniels makes the Triple X sign but looks all angry.

Back to the match. Hot tag to Killings gets no reaction. Killings takes out Swinger with a scissors kick, then Swinger rolls out to the floor to get punched by BG James. The ref watches this, missing David Young's appearance at ringside. Young climbs into the ring, shockingly clotheslines Diamond by mistake, and gets tossed by Killings. A gourdbuster (sitout facefirst suplex - was this the Hat Rack Crack?) on Diamond gets the pin to retain the titles at 3:37. After the match, Young throws his shoe at Diamond. Why not? Diamond attacks Young, but they're kept apart (kinda) by Swinger and Gilberti.

Kid Kash comes to ringside with his loyalty of oath. The back of his shirt: UNSCRUPULOUS MEN IN THE BLACK MARKET OF LOVE. Alright.

Don West's shirt/tie combo of the week: red, as seen on September 17. Next week should be silver. Mike Tenay's tuxedo of the week: tuxedo.

Armando Quintero shows clips of IWA Puerto Rico and Mexico's AAA. AAA's six-sided ring looks really cool, but it would be cooler with someone yelling RUDOS RUDOS RUUUUUUUUUUUUUDOS. Michael Shane and David Young are shown in AAA, while Jarrett and Kash are shown in IWA.

Back at ringside, Kash slaps Tiny, the big fat bell ringer. Lots of rednecks give Kash the finger and this is pretty funny. Chris Vaughn and the Black Shirt Security show up to escort Kash away, but Kash just shoves them around.

Backstage, Raven says big words to Scott Hudson. Who cares.

Vaughn and Kash are now in the ring, and the bullying continues. Why the rest of the Black Shirts aren't doing anything, I don't know. Anyway, Vaughn promises to sign the oath, but instead he opts to walk tall, beating up Kash with the clipboard. This beings the crowd alive for the first time since the start of the show. Referee Rudy Charles runs in, but gets punked out by Kash. He pops up, calls for the bell from fat screaming Tiny, and we have an impromptu match:

Chris Vaughn
v. Kid Kash

Vaughn gets a bit of offense in before Kash scoops him up for a fisherman buster and brings him down across the knee - ow. He collects the scattered pages of signatures and goes back to bullying the ref. In comes "Heavy D" Don Harris to attack Kash as the referee pretends to look the other way - that's a nice touch. One big spinning slam and Harris drags Vaughn on top of Kash for the pin at 1:33. As the Black Shirts celebrate, an obviously battered and beaten Kid Kash sneakily retrieves his hair tie that fell off during the match.

Julio Dinero and CM Punk don't have nice things to say about Raven. Punk, promising a surprise for tonight, has a cool GI Joe style logo t-shirt and an awesome blog. A video package shows the history and the end of Raven and the Gathering.

Raven (The Bowery, 228 lbs) & a mystery partner who once again is The Sandman (Philadelphia)
v. Julio Dinero & CM Punk

Mike Tenay tries hard to paint the ex-Gathering as backstabbers, forgetting that Raven got rid of them before they got rid of him. Don West, smart guy, references the last time that Sandman was Raven's mystery partner and how disappointed The Gathering was with Raven's choice.

Raven enters with facepaint and short hair, making him look alarmingly like a tattooed Rico. He slaps Punk and Dinero before spitting beer in their faces. Sandman hits a bad dropkick, but y'know, it's sort of reminiscent of the saying about the dancing bear. ECW chant as we see Elix Skipper talking to Low Ki, who also makes the Triple X sign.

Raven beats on Dinero, then Sandman tags in and hits some bad moves in sloppy fashion. He's a fan of the top rope legdrop - possibly because the Ultimate X poles are set up to allow for easier climbing. Punk and Dinero take over on Sandman until Sandman makes the hot tag to no reaction at all. Raven beats up both Punk and Dinero until some guy in a black robe shows up. He sprays a towel with something - ether-flavoured no-stick cooking spray, no doubt. The towel goes to Raven's face, then Punk uses Raven's Raven Effect DDT against him for the pin at 7:12. Sandman chases Punk and Dinero away while Raven makes pukey faces. The hooded guy removes said hood, and to no surprise, it's Father James Mitchell.

Backstage, Shane Douglas talks, Michael Shane screams, and Traci With An I looks kinda hot. Douglas claims that the NWA held him back 20 years ago, which is odd since he only started wrestling 18 years ago.

Mike Tenay, Goldylocks, and Erik Watts are in the ring to present the Mr. TNA award. This takes about a million years, so let me sum it up: Jarrett assumes he's won, AJ Styles actually wins, Jarrett gets mad and proposes a match for next week: Styles and Watts versus Jarrett and Abyss. If Styles and Watts win, Styles gets a title shot. If Jarrett wins, Watts loses his job. Goldylocks accepts on Watts' behalf as he looks concerned. Tenay makes his awesome angry face at Jarrett. Styles' trophy didn't even get broken!

Now for sale: the 2004 TNA Swimsuit calendar. Featuring all the hottest TNA girls, like Trinity, Goldylocks, and, um... that appears to be it.

Time for the hard sell! Next week: Simon Diamond takes on David Young with Glenn Gilberti as guest referee. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL: America's Most Wanted takes on the Red Shirts in a Rawhide Whipping match, and the aforementioned Styles/Watts against Jarrett/Abyss. That doesn't make me want to watch. But hey, it's time for Ultimate X II, and Don West is so excited that he turns beet red and I'm pretty sure he craps himself.

A video package sets the stage. Low Ki has a scary voice. IT IS LIKE HE IS TALKING LIKE THIS. ALL OF THE TIME. IT IS NOT THE SIZE OF THE FIGHTER. BUT THE SIZE OF HIS SCARY-ASS VOICE.

Ultimate X Match For The X Division Title
Michael Shane (c) v. "Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels (City of Angels, 212 lbs)
v. Chris Sabin (Detroit, MI, 216 lbs) v. Low Ki (Brooklyn, NY, 202 lbs)

Seconds into the match and Tenay is once again mentioning that Shane is Shawn Michaels' cousin. There's a nice tripleteam on Daniels early on, as he attempts a springboard moonsault to the floor, but winds up almost in a two-man Tarantula, leaving him open to be kicked by Low Ki. Sabin hits an awesome Swanton over the top onto Shane and Low Ki. Lots of brawling early on, as a chair and a table find their way into the fight. Daniels attempts a scary Angel's Wings off the apron, but Low Ki counters into an equally scary attempted (and blocked) Ki Crusher off the apron.

Daniels leaps off the top rope towards the hanging belt and misses. Angry, he climbs to the cables and tries to get across, but Shane smacks him with a chair. He sets up the chair and leaps off it, but doesn't reach the belt. He runs the cables, hand over hand, and ranas Daniels who's standing on the chair. Daniels tosses Shane and tries another jump off the chair towards the belt, no good. He makes another attempt, but Low Ki blocks it with a springboard kick. Low Ki lays Daniels on the chair and tries to climb up to the belt, but Sabin stops him with an enzuigiri. Daniels and Low Ki chop each other, but when Sabin attacks, they double team him as the announcers mention the Triple X connection yet again. They both run the cables, where Low Ki latches onto Daniels with a choke while hanging. Daniels falls and Sabin takes out Low Ki with a springboard dropkick.

At this point, Shane Douglas and Traci With An I bring a ladder to ringside for Sabin, but Elix Skipper shows up to chase them away. The ladder gets left behind. The commentators make sure to point out that the only rule of Ultimate X is "no ladders."

In the ring, Sabin drops Daniels facefirst on a chair. Shane, meanwhile, knocks out the referee so he can use the ladder. The announcers decide there's no rule against using a ladder as a weapon, which Shane does, but then he tries to climb it. Daniels stops him with a Rock Bottom off the ladder, but I'm reminded of the big problem with ladder matches. They always climb SOOOOO SLOOOOOOOOWLY. See, I like the Ultimate X concept because most guys motor across the cables. Even when they go slowly, you can understand it, because it would be hard to hang from the cable and move hand-over-hand to the center of the ring. But a ladder? It should be much easier to climb a ladder but then they...

go...

so...

slowly...

and...

it...

looks...

so...

fake.

Anyway. The ref is still out, so Sabin climbs the ladder but gets German suplexed off by Low Ki. Daniels drops Low Ki with a standing Rock Bottom, then yells BEST. MOONSAULT. EVER! and you know, it's pretty good. Then he crotches Shane on the ladder and hits Sabin with an enzuigiri. Daniels and Low Ki both climb the ladder - Daniels punches Low Ki's hands to slow his climbing, that's nice - but Sabin dumps them both to the floor. He sets up the ladder, but the referee is awake and he calls out Chris Vaughn to take the ladder away. Distraught, Shane climbs up to the cables, but Sabin pushes him off through the table on the floor. Sabin goes hand over hand, reaches the belt, hangs from it and tugs and tugs and tugs and tugs AND TUGS AND TUGS AND KICKS AND SWINGS AND KICKS AND TUGS AND WHY WON'T THIS FUCKING BELT FALL oh there it goes. (15:07) Sabin hugs the belt while everyone else is hurt on the floor.

And of course, the show wouldn't be complete without Jeff Jarrett on a phone to Tom T. Senior. He mentions next week's match with Watts' career on the line, and we're out.

Well, that was a pretty bad show. The highlights: Kid Kash was the surprise star of the show, as he was in a lot of segments and was entertaining each time. Ultimate X 2 was pretty good, though it could have been a bit longer. Aside from that, though, there was nothing worth watching here. Jeff Jarrett is so boring and he's all over everything, just like Abyss. Shane Douglas, Sandman, 3 Live Kru, the Red Shirts, none of those guys do anything for me. I suppose Ron Killings is okay, and I like AJ Styles and AMW, but TNA has more crap than good stuff right now. Like it or not, WWE TV is free and that's a big advantage. It might not be perfect - it might be FAR from perfect - but I don't have to pay for it.