Hi! The Cubs Fan is a great guy and once upon a time, I promised that I was gonna write something for his site. Then I promptly didn't. But now I'm gonna!
So I recently had two whole days of FREE PPV because I know a guy with a cheater card. I didn't tape the newest UFC, which I should have because it was pretty cool. I did, however, tape some really bad wrestling and these shows will be the subject of my first reviews. With that in mind...
XWF:
We've Drawn The Line - aired 06/10/03
Taped 11/13-14/2001
Universal Studios Florida
Hmm, sometimes Cubs does
and sometimes not. I think I will go with not for now.
The opening graphics are all about saying XWF In Your Face, which I assume is what their TV show was going to be called. The graphics actually look pretty decent, but there are these XWF bumpers all through the show (presumably to take us in and out of commercial breaks) and they make me very mad.
The intro features, among others, Sable, Buff Bagwell, The Road Warriors, Norman Smiley, Curt Hennig, The Kiss Demon, Vampiro, The Nasty Boys, Barry Horowitz, Konnan, Jerry Lawler, and Roddy Piper.
LAST MONTH: There was a four-way tag team title match! Sable argued with Piper! A bald guy did a legdrop! Simon Diamond punched Jerry Lawler! There was a double pin in a tag team match!
Back in the current (2001) world, Sable and Roddy Piper enter arm-in-arm for an interview with Mean Gene Okerlund. A few people are chanting "XWF." Piper is the commissioner and Rena Nolastname is the CEO. Mean Gene suggests that he is a horse and Rena can ride him. They argue over some stuff, Piper blames things on Russo which I thought was kinda funny, Piper stares at Rena's boobs, then Rena and Piper decide that there will be instant replay in the XWF. Everyone's happy until Gene points out that instant replay will catch Piper's dirty tricks too - then he suddenly HATES instant replay! Hilarious! Not hilarious. This has nothing to do with the rest of the show.
Our hosts are Tony Schiavone and Jerry "The King" Lawler. Some girl named Kitten is standing behind Lawler.
AJ STYLES (Atlanta,
Georgia) v. "THE FALLEN ANGEL" CHRIS DANIELS (The City Of Angels,
Los Angeles, California)
Man, was I ever excited to see this as the opening match. Daniels hits an STO
seconds in. Styles dumps Daniels to the floor and follows up with a Shooting
Star Press and receives a "holy shit" chant and an "AJ"
chant for his efforts. Back in the ring, Styles goes for a quebrada moonsault
onto a standing Daniels, but catches him in a inverted DDT position instead.
He lifts Daniels, who flips over, catches Styles in an inverted DDT position,
then spins him over in a Roll Of The Dice for two. Styles hits a German suplex,
floats over, then picks up Daniels and hits a sitout face-first powerbomb for
two. Styles picks up Daniels and goes for a clothesline. Daniels ducks and scoops
up Styles for a fireman's carry, but Styles escapes. He goes for an Irish whip,
but Daniels reverses it into a kick, then lands a spinning sitout Pedigree (this
is the Angel's Wings, right? [Yes. The Roll of the Dice is his Last Rites, FWIW - tcf]) for three. Nice but WAY too short.
DANIELS d. STYLES, pin, 2:30, Angel's Wings
Some of these XWF logos look like wXf and that's stupid.
The XWF Girls, Inc. are in my face!
The South Philly Posse - (Flyboy) Rocco (Rock) and (Johnny) Grunge are walking through south Philly, and they find a girl named Jasmine, who joins their posse!
THE SOUTH PHILLY
POSSE w/JAZZY (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania) v. THE POWER COMPANY (510 pounds,
Boston, Massachusetts)
The Power Company are twins named Dave and Dean. They have stupid hair. The
crowd chants "she's a crackwhore" while Lawler lusts after Jazzy's
South Philly Puppies. Punches and stuff to start until Grunge hits a powerbomb
on a for two. Rocco tags in and a Lionsault finds knees. The other Power twin
tags in and they share a loving brotherly hug. Rocco gains the advantage as
soon as the hug is over, and the Posse make with the dirty cheating. Grunge
tags in and they hit a double facejam on the Power twin, who is allegedly Dean.
More punching ensues while Schiavone discusses the physiques of the Posse and
Lawler discusses Jazzy. An allegedly hot tag brings in the fresh Power twin,
but the Posse whip the twins into each other. Rocco with a slam, then scales
the ropes. Grunge stands in the corner, and I'm expecting something like the
Quebecers' old finisher, right? Where Pierre would do a somersault off the top
with an assist from Jacques? Well, this was like that except Grunge didn't really
do anything. It was called the SPP, according to Tony.
POSSE d. POWER CO, Rocco pin a Power twin, 4:24, SPP
MEAN MIKE (Tampa,
Florida) v. BIG VITO (Staten Island, New York)
Mean Mike has a last name but I can't make out what it is. Vito gets lots of
"Vito" chants. I don't know why. Mean Mike starts slapping and spitting
on Vito, until Vito can't stands no more and lands a punch, followed by more
punching and kicking. Vito spits on Mike, gaining sweet sweet revenge for the
spitting of earlier. Mike lands a clothesline, climbs the ropes, and connects
with a flying shoulderblock for two. It's worth noting that the ref has some
giant sideburns. Vito pulls his straps down and fights back as Lawler calls
gimmick infringement. Mean Mike goes for one last clothesline, but Vito ducks
and hits the Implant DDT for the win.
VITO d. MIKE, pin, 3:22, Implant DDT
Johnny B. Badd is in my face!
MR. JONES (Pittsburgh,
Pennsylvania) v. JOHNNY B. BADD (Macon, Georgia)
Mr. Jones is the world-famous Virgil. Johnny B. Badd has short hair and that
is WEIRD. He also has a yellow Frisbee (which he tosses to the crowd) and a
Badd Blaster (which he does not). Tony calls Jones "Mr. Michael Jones,"
but apparently Lawler wasn't listening as he asks if his name is "Virgil
Jones" or "Vincent Jones." Tony suggests "Michael Which-Promoter-Can-He-Pick-On-Next
Jones." I tire of play by play. Suffice to say, Jones dominates with a
slam, a second-rope fistdrop, and a chinlock before Badd mounts his comeback.
Badd hits a punch, a kick, and a kneelift, prompting Lawler to wonder what other
body parts you can hit someone with. Schiavone comes up with elbow, headbutt,
and rear end. Meanwhile, Badd reverses an Irish whip into a TKO for the win.
BADD d. JONES, pin, 3:46, TKO
MARTY JANETTY
(Tampa, Florida) v. GREG "THE HAMMER" VALENTINE (Dallas, Texas)
Oh man. They're both SO OLD. Janetty has short hair and Goldberg's black and
white tights and a tattoo on the back of his neck. I thought he also had two
Ns in his last name, but his entrance video suggests otherwise. The crowd starts
with a small "Marty" chant before moving into something I can't quite
understand before they just start yelling WHAT for no reason. Janetty climbs
the ropes and flips out to escape a Valentine armbar before they trade chops.
Valentine tosses Marty into the ropes and hits an elbow and Marty does the Rikishi
clothesline flip sell. Hey, Valentine did a real suplex! I remember his old
squashes, he always did that suplex slam thing. The crowd chants "please
retire" as Valentine drops Marty with a gutbuster. Janetty kicks out of
a figure-four attempt and they trade punches until Valentine hits a kneebreaker
and locks in the figure-four for the win.
VALENTINE d. JANETTY, submission, 3:29, figure-four leglock
KEVIN NORTHCUTT
(269 pounds, New Orleans, Louisiana) v. DEVON STORM (New Jersey)
Storm with headbutts and chops to start, followed by a northern light suplex
for two. Northcutt reverses a whip and hits a clothesline to the back of Storm's
head - wasn't that Outback Jack's Boomerang finisher? A pumphandle suplex by
Northcutt gets two. Northcutt does this nice move where he scoops up Storm like
he was going for a back body drop, but then he holds on and sit down, dropping
Storm kinda onto his head for two. Northcutt hits a Michinoku Driver then scales
the ropes and hits a flying elbow. He hollers ONE MORE but when he goes up,
Storm crotches him on the top rope and hits a top rope hurricarana. A Storm
body press takes both men the the floor, then Storm runs along the apron and
hits a splash on the floor. Neat! Back in the ring, Storm locks in a dragon
sleeper. Northcutt's arm only drops once, so Storm drives Northcutt down in
an inverted DDT for the win. Schiavone calls the dragon sleeper/inverted DDT
combo The Eye Of The Storm. This was pretty good, and the first match since
Daniels/Styles to show anything interesting.
STORM d. NORTHCUTT, pin, 3:54, The Eye Of The Storm
KNUCKLES (Baltimore,
Maryland) v. HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN (Glens Falls, New York)
Knuckles - who is NOT an echidna - has two tiny patches of hair on his back,
and he kinda looks like what Bill from King Of The Hill would look like
as a wrestler. Speaking of, watching King Of The Hill would be way better
than watching this match. I mean, it's kinda funny if you pretend that Hacksaw
Duggan is beating up Bill, but it's not funny enough to make watching this match
worthwhile. Let's just say there's a lot of HOOOOOOOO and USA USA USA and a
sprinkling of 2x4 shenanigans. There's one funny part where Duggan says HOOOOOOO
and then he gets a forearm to the back but he shrugs it off and continues with
OOOOO. I guess the match was technically shorter than Styles/Daniels, but if
you count all the USA USA USA after the match, it took longer. It felt like
weeks, really.
DUGGAN d. KNUCKLES, pin, 2:22, three point stance clothesline
DREZDEN (299
pounds - the first weight announced by Dave Penzer, Germany) v. BILLY FIVES
(Fort Lauderdale, Florida)
Drezden has some pretty sideburns. Fives starts with some kicks, but Drezden
is a no-selling machine who presses Fives over his head and tosses him to the
floor. Drezden follows with a long delayed vertical suplex, then blocks a sunset
flip as a few people loudly chant "sell a fucking move." Drezden hits
a pair of overhead release belly to belly suplexes (which Tony calls "t-boning")
followed by a powerbomb for the win as the crowd chants "bullshit."
DREZDEN d. FIVES, pin, 2:45, powerbomb
A brief promo by Vampiro - shockingly, he is NOT in my face.
BUFF BAGWELL
(Atlanta, Georgia) v. VAMPIRO (Mexico City)
This match has been OVER A WEEK in the brewing, says Schiavone. Apparently these
guys used to be partners but now they're not! Vampiro hits some kicks and a
clothesline to start, but he crotches himself on the top rope when he misses
a kick, and a clothesline from Buff takes him to the floor. The crowd is chanting
"Buff got fired," and Lawler shows sympathy. "I've never been
fired, but I've been sold," says Schiavone. Back in the ring, there's some
hot punching action followed by a sweet sweet chinlock. The crowd is now chanting
something like "fired asshole" but I really can't tell. A buff clothesline
brings about the Rikishi flip sell from Vampiro, but that's only enough for
a two count. Buff chokes Vampiro on the ropes, and the crowd is chanting something
about Buff's mother. Tony says she's a sweet lady who doesn't deserve this.
Vampiro fights back as Curt Hennig walks to ringside. Hennig pops up on the
apron, and Vampiro pops him in the jaw. The distraction allows Bagwell to hit
the Angel's Wings (! - minus the spin, mind you, and it was sloppy, but still
!) for two. Hennig is holding on to something. "That's a foreign object,"
says Tony, "I can say it here! A foreign object!" The ref gets bumped
off-camera, and Bagwell grabs Vampiro. Of course, Hennig enters the ring, Vampiro
ducks, and Hennig hits Bagwell by mistake (and for such a common spot, this
really looked awful). Vampiro boots Hennig to the floor and covers Bagwell for
the win.
VAMPIRO d. BAGWELL, pin, 5:01, foreign object shot
We're not done! Hennig attacks Vampiro until Piper makes the save with a chair. Rena follows. She notes that Piper seems to still have a fire burning "down there," and asks him if he wants to wrestle next week. Before Piper can answer, we're out of time!
It occurs to me that I didn't really say if any of this was any good. Well, I'm glad I didn't pay for it, let's put it that way. And let's also say that I'm not surprised that they didn't get a TV deal. And let's also say that most of it sucked. And let's also say that I probably should have found something better to do with my time.
Next show: WWA The Reckoning.