Hey, on Rantsylvania, some guy sent in a column describing one Lucharesu match in detail.  What a concept!  Why didn’t someone think of this before?  Ah, what am I complaining about?  I pretty much rip off the DVDVR guys, so it all works out.

In one of those really bizarre coincidences, I was watching Wrestlemania VI for the millionth time the weekend of the Royal Rumble, and noticed that out of everyone who competed on the card, only Haku/Meng was still active in the big two.  Hell, not only was he competing in WCW, he was the Hardcore champion.  Then on Sunday I found out that Meng would be returning to the WWF to compete in the Royal Rumble as Haku, and I thought “Yep, that’s a sign.”  So we’ll look at Haku’s last tour of duty in the WWF, when he was a tag champion over a decade ago.

Before we go on, I can’t stress how much I love Wrestlemania VI (it’s the one with Hogan-Warrior).  It’s probably my favorite Wrestlemania, even beating out the usual suspects (1).  Here’s the card:

Rick Martel vs. Koko B. Ware
Demolition vs. Colossal Connection (Tag Title Match)
Earthquake vs. Hercules
Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake vs. Curt “Mr. Perfect” Henning
Roddy Piper vs. Bad News Brown
The Hart Foundation vs. The Bolsheviks
The Barbarian vs. Tito Santana
Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire vs. Randy Savage and Queen Sherri
The Orient Express vs. The Rockers
“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan vs. Dino Bravo
Ted DiBiase vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts (Million Dollar Belt at stake)
Big Bossman vs. Akeem
Rick Rude vs. Jimmy Snuka
Ultimate Warrior vs. Hulk Hogan (World Title vs. IC title)

Not exactly a workrate fan’s dream, is it?  Well, wrestling in general really stunk back then, with fat blobs and talentless roid-freaks getting pushed to the top of the card.  Matches were pretty much punch and kick-a-thons.  And moves like Boston Crabs, Reverse Neckbreakers, and Sleepers were considered viable finishers.  But even by the low standards of the time, this card was awful.  Besides the main event and the Rockers/Express match, there was no good wrestling at all. 

So why do I like the card?  Well, for one, it was impeccably booked.  The faces won all the big blowoff matches, and the heels got built up where they needed to (see Martel, Rude, Earthquake, and Barbarian). That’s how a big card actually should be booked.

But mostly, I was 11 when this card happened, and really didn’t care about things like workrate.  No way, all you cared about was that this was Wrestlemania, the big one, the epic show.  So what if the matches stunk?  Remember, all we got back then were squash matches and the occasional “main event” like Ron Garvin vs. Ted DiBiase on All American Wrestling.  We were just happy to see non-squash matches.

Another big deal was that feuds actually blew off back then.  After Jake Roberts and Ted DiBiase ended their feud, and then they never went near each other again, so you knew the feud ended.  Nowadays, wrestlers never stop feuding.  People talk like the Benoit/Jericho ladder match at the Rumble was the blowoff to their feud…ha!  They fought each other the next night, and you know they’ll be fighting each other on another 15 PPV’s.  Rock/HHH, Angle/HHH, Hardys/Edge-Christian?  They’ll never stop feuding.

Plus the card seemed so epic.  Hogan-Warrior was a dream match, never been seen, only hinted at.  There were Lincoln-Douglas levels of debate at school over who was cooler and who was going to win.   I got to see this live at a friend’s house (it was his birthday), and I can say this card turned me into a die-hard wrestling fan.

I could talk about Hogan-Warrior, but that was actually an OK match (2).  No, I want to talk about the tag title match between the Colossal Connection and Demolition, an instance of good booking overcoming awful wrestling.

Who: The Colossal Connection [c] vs. Demolition, Tag Team Title match at Wrestlemania VI
Where: Skydome in Toronto
When: April 1, 1990
Backstory: Demoltion (Ax and Smash) had captured their second tag title from the Brainbusters (Tully Blnchard and Arn Anderson) and were riding high until they ran into Bobby Heenan’s duo of Andre The Giant and Haku, dubbed the Colossal Connection (3). TCC shocked the world by winning the tag titles on an episode on Superstars.  I can’t imagine why the belts were put on Andre and Haku, since Andre was in terrible health at this point, barely being able to move in the ring.  In fact, if I remember correctly, he was so injured that Bobby Heenan had to sub for him at house shows.  I’m guessing either (a) Vinny Mac wanted to give Andre a legitimate title reign before he retired, and/or (b) Vince wanted to put the belts on a heel team so the Demos could win them back at Wrestlemania.  Anyway, we get the big return match here.

The match: Mean Gene talks with the Heenan family before the match, calling the champs “The Colostomy Connection.”  Heenan retorts by calling him “Baldy.”  Anyway, The Brain says his boys are going to send Demolition to the treatment plant (?).  Haku and Andre then mumble something together—I think it’s “Eliminate them.”

Sean Mooney (4) talks with the challengers.  Ax says he plans to chop Andre down like, well, an ax.  Smash says he wants to throw the champs in the back of a tractor trailer, and for a second I fear we’re looking at another King of the Road match.  But no, he just wants to drive them off a cliff.  Sadly, Smash doesn’t say “stinkin’.”

Wow, not only are the champs out first, they get no entrance music and are already in the ring.  Demolition, on the other hand, get to come out in carts to their boss theme song (5) and a huge ovation.  The Connection then jump the Demos before the match, with an Andre headbutt sending Ax outside the ring.  Haku whips Smash into the ropes, but Smash ducks a clothesline, puts on the brakes, and nails Haku with some shots.  Then he rams Haku’s head into Ax’s outstretched boot.  Ax gets tagged in and does some one man clubberin’, then yells at Andre.  Ax snapmares Haku, but the Andre comes in the ring and hits some weak ass blows on Ax.  Smash uses the opportunity to come in as the legal man and lay in some punches on Haku.  He snapmares Haku and applies the complicated neck twist.  Tag to Ax, and he and Haku start exchanging blows, with Ax getting the upper hand.  Tag back to Smash who comes in with some…wait for it…punches, but gets felled with the ol’ eyepoke.  Haku with a whip to the ropes and an attempted hiptoss, but Smash blocks it and they end up fighting over a backslide.  Ya can’t get enough of that for my money.  Smash wins the fight, but Andre comes in with an embarrassing kick to break up the cover.  Smash barely sells the kick (rightfully so), applies a wristlock, and tags in Ax.

Ax comes in with some, well, punches.  Ax with a whip to the ropes, but Haku ducks the elbow and hits a karate chop to the throat, following up with more chops to the downed Ax.  Haku picks up Ax and hits a nice backbreaker, holding him on the knee for a few seconds, then leaning back into a pin for a 2 count.  Haku follows up with some ridiculous karate chop, followed by a stomp to the nuts.  Haku with a choke on the bottom rope, and while the ref admonishes him, Heenan sneaks in a slap.  When Ax gets up to go after Heenan, he runs right into Andre, who hits a big headbutt.  Haku covers, but the ref is tied up with someone (Smash, I guess.  The camera misses it).  The ref finally turns around and counts 2.  Ax tries to fight his way back with punches, but he’s too close to Andre and gets caught, leaving him wide open for some Haku shots.  Haku tries another pin, but Ax gets his hand on the bottom rope.  Haku picks up Ax and tries to ram him into Andre’s head, but it looks terrible.  Haku tries another pin but Smash breaks it up.

Haku kicks Ax in the throat again, then follows with some more choking.  Smash yells at the ref and/or Haku, but nothing comes of it.  Ax tries to fight back again, but Haku stops him with a poke to the eyes.  Then we cut away to a wide crowd shot and I can’t see make out what’s happening.  I think Andre was shitting Ax.  Haku snapmares Ax, chops his neck, then slaps on that sign of wrestling greatness, the nervehold.  Ax tries to tag his partner while in the hold, but Haku savate kicks Smash off the apron.  Smash comes in to complain, which just distracts the ref, allowing Andre to choke Ax with the tag rope.  I wish we’d see more of that these days (honestly).  For the 800^th time, Ax tries to fight back against Ax, so Haku punches him in the leg, I think.  Haku with some more chops and a nice shoulderbreaker.  He covers, but Ax kicks out at 2 (Smash ran in too late to break up the pin).  Haku rams Ax’s head into the turnbuckle, then irish whips him to the opposite corner.  Haku charges, but gets met with Ax’s boot, and then a clothesline.  Finally, Ax makes the hot tag.

Smash comes in all afire, ramming Haku’s head into the turnbuckle, then a whip to the ropes and a back elbow.  Another irish whip and a big back bodydrop.  Smash tries a laughable bodypress like move, and goes for a cover, but Smash sees Andre coming into the ring and cuts him off.  Ax comes in, and Smash whips Haku to the ropes and drops down, and Ax clotheslines him after he jumps over Smash.  Then the Demos double clothesline Andre, and then another double clothesline for Haku.  The ref forces Ax back to the apron, allowing Andre to grab Haku and hold him for a kick.  But wouldn’t you know it, Smash ducks and Andre gets hit and ends up tied up in the ropes.  Ax comes back in and the give Haku a double hotshot, followed by the Demolition Decapitation for the 3 count and the belts.  Ax pinned Haku, even though the wasn’t the legal man.  Crowd doesn’t seem to care, as the phrase “This place has gone bananas” would apply. Big moment for Demolition as they tie the all-time mark of tag title reigns with three (6).  Of course, nowadays having just tag three title reigns seems quaint.

But we’re not done.  As the Demos leave the ring. Heenan throws a fit and gets in Andre’s face, angrily poking him in the chest.  I swear Bobby says “I’m the fucking boss.”  Anyway, he finally slaps Andre, which peeves the big man.  Andre grabs Heenan and hits him with some slaps that don’t make contact and a punch that barely does, knocking The Brain outside the ring.  Haku tries to attack his ex-partner, but Andre catches his foot, slaps him around, and takes him out with a headbutt.  Haku and Heenan try to escape on the cart, but Andre pushes them aside and rides alone, leaving to a big ovation in one last babyface moment.

Wow, that match really blew.  Seriously, like 75% of the offense were punches.  Not like it’s any major surprise; I mean, I loved the Demos, but they weren’t very good.  C’mon, how many good matches did you ever see them in?  Throw in Haku and Andre, and that’s a nice recipe for suck.  Andre was so terrible it was embarrassing.  I think it’s a good idea not to put a title on a guy so deteriorated he can’t even tag into the ring.  I guess you could call Haku the MVP of the match.  He didn’t do a lot, but compared to everyone else he was freakin’ Misawa.  Just a bad match. 

And yet I went nuts at the end of the match, and still do, to an extent.  Why?  Because it’s a nice payoff to see the face team beat the heel team.  It’s so simple but it works so well, and you don’t see it anymore.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want wrestling to be like it was in 1990.  Things have changed, in a lot of ways for the better, but the birth of the “tweener” and the large amount of high profile matches on television have really ended the concept of the blow-off (7).  That’s something I miss.

Fallout: Pretty much the last hurrah for the Demos.  Ax suffered heart problems not too long after this, and was replaced by Crush (better known today as Brian Adams of Kronik).  Ax left the fed soon after and did a few indy matches as Axis the Demolisher.  Crush and Smash lost the belts to the Hart Foundation at Summerslam, feuded with the Legion of Doom, and pretty much faded away after that.  Smash went through a litany of bad gimmicks, from Repo Man in the WWF, to Blacktop Bully and Barry Darsow the Golf Pro in WCW.

I think this was Andre’s last match.  Maybe he competed in Japan.  I only remember him as a second for the Bushwhackers after this.  Didn’t Earthquake cripple him at one point?

Haku hung around with Bobby Heenan’s stable, eventually getting packaged as a tag team with the Barbarian.  He left the fed and showed up in WCW in 1995 as the Monster Meng, did time in the Dungeon of Doom, then teamed with the Barbarian again as the Faces of Fear. 

Today, Andre’s dead, Ax is long retired, Smash is MIA, and Haku of all people is back and getting a push.  Wrestling’s a wacky business.

Phew, this week’s match stunk.  We’ll have something a lot better next time.  But be warned I should be getting the WORST MATCH EVER soon.

Joe Gagne

Bwo@telegram.infi.net

(1) Those being III, X, and XIV.

(2)  But not a great match, and don’t let anyone tell ya different.  A long bearhug sequence in the middle really killed it for me.  But when you consider the participants, it was actually a really good match.

(3)  Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think Haku warranted the adjective “Colossal.”  Sure, he’s a big boy, but Colossal?  Now Crush and Yokozuna, there was a Colossal Connection.

(4)  Sean Mooney was actually a news broadcaster on my local CBS affiliate a few years ago.  I just couldn’t take him seriously.  Poor bastard.

(5)  “Here comes the Ax/Here comes the Smasher/They’re Demolition/Walking disaster/Pain and destruction/Is their middle name.”  I can’t believe I remember that.

(6)  The record at the time was three, co-held by the teams of Mr. Fuji and Prof. Toru Tanaka and the Samoans (Afa & Sika).  Of course, the New Age Outlaws now hold the record with 6, with Edge and Christian right behind them with 5.

(7)  To elaborate: back in the olden days, good guys were just that.  They never cheated or broke any rules, and when they won it felt good, because good triumphed over evil, as cheesy as that sounds.  Nowadays guys like Austin swear, cheats outrageously, and interfere in like every match.  I think this has lessened the payoff of the blowoff match.  As far as more high profile matches, well, like I said earlier, when a feud blew off, that was that.  Jake Roberts and Ted DiBiase never went near each other again.  These days, to get the bigger ratings, we get bigger matches on TV.  How many times have you seen Rock/Triple H in matches, either one-on-one or in Triple Threat or Tag matches?  It dilutes what should be the big showdown.

 

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