“And here’s BUBBA RAY DUDLEY coming down the aisle, with a suave new headband.”
Holly and Gunn do rock-paper-scissors, and Gunn seems disappointed that he lost, even though it’s a singles match. Billy Gunn is a shithead.
Bradshaw’s all smiley. Mysterio’s all…short.
Circle, and here’s the music of MORDECAI, here to cleanse the WWE of Jews and Asians.
This took about two and a half minutes, and would work a lot better if Mordecai didn’t look like Albino Donal Logue.
Goes for a clothesline, but into a Fujiwara armbar. Serves you right, Cena, you dumbass.
The Dudleyz kidnapped Paul Bearer. Ohhhhh nooooo!!!! bahahaha I am so funny.
Haas puts Dupree in a half nelson so Rico can kiss him. He’s so gay! And now he’s all like “Oh no you dint shove me, GIRLFRIEND.” after Haas throws Dupree back into the ring. Cena takes advantage of this gay distraction to schoolbody Dupree for two. Dupree pops right back up, clothesline. Stomp, but Cena throws Dupree over the top onto the other side, between Gunn and Holly. Gunn, not be outgayed, kisses Dupree as Holly puts him in a full nelson. Hahaha just kidding.
Chavo Guerrero gets some stomps in until the faces come to his aid. FEAR ORLANDO JORDAN
DANGER DANGER DANGER HE’S SLIPPING INTO A BAD IMPRESSION
Here’s Booker with a chair, about to hit Cena, who moves so Booker hits Angle’s injured leg. Oh no, now he’ll be crippled!
I hope Eddy consults Carribean Legend Savio Vega how to win this match against Bradshaw, because he’s done it.
Handshake of racial unity.
Suzuki seems unimpressed and slightly confused by Scotty’s entrance. And perhaps hair.
RVD helps Cena up, then makes the “I want da belt” motion. They talk a little, Cena makes the “I have da belt” motion. They nod, appearing to reach an understanding, AND RVD KICKS CENA IN THE HEAD BAHAHAHAHA YES. That was probably the best thing RVD’s ever done.
Haas fights out, irish whip held onto by Haas, who busts out a T-Bone Suplex, to honor the late greats Tazz, Perry Saturn, and Shelton Benjamin.
JR fellates HHH and HBK, Kane fellates HBK if by fellates you mean crushes his throat,
“The SmackDown! Divas want YOU at the Great American Bash! If you thought the summer break out bikini contest was hot, stay tuned, the Great American Bash is gonna get EVEN hotter. The SmackDown! Divas would like to OFFICIALLY invite you to come party with us ALL NIGHT LONG.” WOO INNUENDO
Angle, in addition to being crippled, is also smiley. :).
Gunn fights out, and Suzuki acts all CRAZY and PUMPED UP and it’s STUPID.
Cole affirms that who we thought to be an innocent geisha girl is in fact EEEEEVIL.
“Ladies and gentlemen (1), I am the single most impactful power broker in all of World Wrestling Entertainment.” Wow, way to beat out…”Mr. Dot-Com” Paul Ellering?
(04’20” WEEEEEED). Mordecai is shocked and upset. And perhaps damning this audience to Hell.
“Paul Heyman, REST…IN…PEACE.” Heyman stands there stunned and worried. I sit here sick of this shit.
I note that both times Torrie Wilson only grabbed and congratulated Paul London. OH NO MAYBE SHE MARRIED KIDMAN ONLY FOR HIS HAIR.
Pumping up the sneakers. Tazz: “Pumpin’ em’ up, I don’t know what it does, but it does somethin’ for him, Cole.” It gets him kneed in the gut, that’s what.
And Cena seems to have gotten better in the ring. Not that he’s that GOOD, and not that that finisher isn’t awful, but baby steps.
SHINING WIZARD IN THEORY!
Kenzo still has his platform thing for his entrance. You were dying to know, I’m sure.
PAUL LONDON WINS A MATCH ON SMACKDOWN! If only Hey You was here.
Apparently there’s some controversy or some crap about last Wednesday, whatever.
Well, there’s only one way that I think I can end this
THE POOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUNCE
Tazz says the hair on JBL’s back is standing up, and the spotlight shows that to be true. His back hair can do tricks like Vince McMahon’s ass.
Torrie Wilson (and the other Divas) were fired, and backstage, Billy Kidman cried in Paul London’s arms.
“That ain’t a moustache, those are Kurt Angle poopy stains!” Poopy. Ha.
“WHO’S HOUSE?” Crowd is like “…uh, ours? Yours? Cena’s? The Bearcats’?”
And here’s the Peanuthead militant comin’ to get it owwwwwwn. Hahahaha everyone’s just kind of like “what?” while Booker just keeps applauding.
Angle turns the key and…gets a face full of powder (or cocaine)!
I was wondering where O.J. was. I didn’t really MISS him, but still, I wanted to know.
JBL cuts him off before he goes into a soliloquy about the loss of Rue
London and Kidman have matching jobber trunks and robes (white with flames) to go with their new jobber music.
Kane/Matt for the rights to Lita’s vagina
Man, what the hell, that was actually good.
Dupree doesn’t surrender to a German? Highly unrealistic.
RAW REBOUND: Orton wins the belt but loses all his friends. So sad. Wait wait WHO GOT VOTED OFF THE DIVA SEARCH TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME
OH SHIT ANOTHER BODYSLAM.
REWIND: Maven wins Tough Enough 1. WAY TO RUB SALT IN JOSH’S WOUNDS! FIRST RUE, NOW THIS!
The series is tied, and that was, uh, not good.
Replays confirm that Josh sells like a champ and nobody cares about Heidenreich.
HAVE A VERY FEELY AUTUMN! Whatever that means.